No. 1) I got a job. I love it (mostly). I have been there nearly 3 months, got the corporate shirts and business cards to prove it. Negotiated a salary comparable to the one I had before the great unemployment. Go me.
No. 2) I'm still doing the therapy and meds thing. Will taper off both in the new year as I have gotten my shit mostly together. Enough at least to snow them into thinking I'm ok to go it alone.
No. 3) I am fucking FAT. For real. Ick....
No. 4) My husband is being a fucking asshole. For real. Ick....
No. 5) I am super-freaked out that I might be pregnant. For real. Fuck... That's not in the plan. I can't do the mommy thing and there is no way my husband is father material. Don't even try to convince me.
More updates will follow. Since my husband has now morphed into an ass, I doubt I will be spending as much time making goo-goo eyes at him and will have more time to bitch on this blog.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Creeping back, or, The good/the bad/the ugly
So....I've been gone for what, a month or so? Quite a bit of nothing special and a little moderately interesting stuff happened so here is the breakdown.
The good: I GOT A FREAKING JOB!!! Finally! And I negotiated a salary $2 an hour higher than what they wanted to start me at. Yay for me! Momma's gonna get paid!
The bad: My I-think-he-is-an-alcoholic-but-he-doesn't-agree-with-me husband has started slipping back into the bottle. FML. He was totally sober for a year after he got arrested, then only drank a beer now and then for a year after that, then moved up to two, and in the last few months has steadily upped his intake. I think he had nine last night. Once again, FML.
The ugly: I am so fucking fat I can't even deal with it. Seriously, none of my clothes fit and now I have to look presentable 5 days a week. I think about working out and eating healthy but I just can't DO it for some reason. If I gain 5 more pounds I am stopping the anti-depressants. Sorry, I'd rather be normal weight and depressed with clothes I can wear than obese and chemically happy and shopping in the plus department. Hopefully after the 90-day probation period at work I can start smoking weed again if I have to quit the anti-ds. I actually lost weight when I dabbled with the smoke for a few months last year.
So, that's the highlights. I will try to get myself on a schedule with writing and posting which hopefully with morph into me caring about my weight again and finding the motivation to actually do something about it.
Love to you all....
The good: I GOT A FREAKING JOB!!! Finally! And I negotiated a salary $2 an hour higher than what they wanted to start me at. Yay for me! Momma's gonna get paid!
The bad: My I-think-he-is-an-alcoholic-but-he-doesn't-agree-with-me husband has started slipping back into the bottle. FML. He was totally sober for a year after he got arrested, then only drank a beer now and then for a year after that, then moved up to two, and in the last few months has steadily upped his intake. I think he had nine last night. Once again, FML.
The ugly: I am so fucking fat I can't even deal with it. Seriously, none of my clothes fit and now I have to look presentable 5 days a week. I think about working out and eating healthy but I just can't DO it for some reason. If I gain 5 more pounds I am stopping the anti-depressants. Sorry, I'd rather be normal weight and depressed with clothes I can wear than obese and chemically happy and shopping in the plus department. Hopefully after the 90-day probation period at work I can start smoking weed again if I have to quit the anti-ds. I actually lost weight when I dabbled with the smoke for a few months last year.
So, that's the highlights. I will try to get myself on a schedule with writing and posting which hopefully with morph into me caring about my weight again and finding the motivation to actually do something about it.
Love to you all....
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Shhhhh....don't tell....
...but I started doing low carb today. I'm not going to make any "announcement" about it to my husband or friends, just plan to eat what I want and leave the carbs/sugar on my plate. We shall see how it works...
I have been making a serious effort in applying for jobs. I put in apps for some pretty well-paying jobs. There is one in particular that would be just awesome in relation to the pay. Like, I would be making more $$ than I have ever made in my life. Send me positive vibes, I need all the help I can get. I'm trying not to get hung up on obsessing about getting any one job in particular, because I don't want to feel the crash when I am denied. I'm just trying to be hopeful and trust I will end up where I should be. (And the meds are helping.)
I have been making a serious effort in applying for jobs. I put in apps for some pretty well-paying jobs. There is one in particular that would be just awesome in relation to the pay. Like, I would be making more $$ than I have ever made in my life. Send me positive vibes, I need all the help I can get. I'm trying not to get hung up on obsessing about getting any one job in particular, because I don't want to feel the crash when I am denied. I'm just trying to be hopeful and trust I will end up where I should be. (And the meds are helping.)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Back to it
Sorry for all the drivel about my life. I remembered today that this is supposed to be a weight loss blog. I seriously need to get back to it with the weight loss endeavors. I promise to get my head (and fat ass) back in the game. Time to bring the pain.
Monday, July 26, 2010
White horse wanted
As I am coming out of my fog of depression (thanks, meds) I look around me and see that others near and dear to me are suffering and I feel bad for neglecting them. In my rational mind I KNOW that I need to take care of myself first, but there is a big part of me that wants to please everyone and fix everything and make it all better because the whole time I was growing up I was told I was wonderful and special* and could do anything at all I set my mind to. And it just happens that I seem to have set my mind on fixing everything. Even though I can't.
Case in point... My mom. She is in major debt, struggling to pay her bills. She has an "issue" with spending money she doesn't have, living beyond her means, and using possessions to "keep up appearances." She lives on a farm. She works in my small hometown with a full time job in local government (prestigious, but not too lucrative) and teaches part time at the local community college. If she had reigned in her spending after my dad died in 2002 she would prolly be fine today. But then, of course, she would not be who she is.... Her financial ship is sinking and I feel compelled to try and bail her out, even though I am unemployed, with only $3000 to my name and a husband who is losing patience with me in regards to my lack of employment.
Part of me knows that any help I give her would just be like pouring a glass of water on a bonfire, but as her daughter (and only child) the pull to do what I can is just so strong. I know she needs to learn this lesson and must suffer the consequences of her actions, even if it means filing bankruptcy or selling the farm. But still, it's just so hard to watch...
And then there is my husband. He is home sick right now, and I know it's from stress. He has been really pushing me to take any kind of job I can find. Like, working in a daycare or at a pizza chain. And I'm resisting and he's losing his patience. I see his point that a job is a job but I mean, fuck!?!?! How is that gonna get me back on track with my career? I didn't work 2 and 3 and 4 jobs to put myself through college to wipe noses or make pizza. (Not that I'm dissing those who do, but it's not for me.) Until my unemployment has officially run out I'm not taking a job that's less than $10 an hour. And anyway, how am I supposed to have the time to find a good job if I'm spending all my time working a shitty one?
Damn, it would be nice if I could put the depressed blinders back on and ignore this shit a little longer.
*(except when my dad got pissed at me and told me I was "not special" and "ugly"--thanks for those fond memories Pops)
Case in point... My mom. She is in major debt, struggling to pay her bills. She has an "issue" with spending money she doesn't have, living beyond her means, and using possessions to "keep up appearances." She lives on a farm. She works in my small hometown with a full time job in local government (prestigious, but not too lucrative) and teaches part time at the local community college. If she had reigned in her spending after my dad died in 2002 she would prolly be fine today. But then, of course, she would not be who she is.... Her financial ship is sinking and I feel compelled to try and bail her out, even though I am unemployed, with only $3000 to my name and a husband who is losing patience with me in regards to my lack of employment.
Part of me knows that any help I give her would just be like pouring a glass of water on a bonfire, but as her daughter (and only child) the pull to do what I can is just so strong. I know she needs to learn this lesson and must suffer the consequences of her actions, even if it means filing bankruptcy or selling the farm. But still, it's just so hard to watch...
And then there is my husband. He is home sick right now, and I know it's from stress. He has been really pushing me to take any kind of job I can find. Like, working in a daycare or at a pizza chain. And I'm resisting and he's losing his patience. I see his point that a job is a job but I mean, fuck!?!?! How is that gonna get me back on track with my career? I didn't work 2 and 3 and 4 jobs to put myself through college to wipe noses or make pizza. (Not that I'm dissing those who do, but it's not for me.) Until my unemployment has officially run out I'm not taking a job that's less than $10 an hour. And anyway, how am I supposed to have the time to find a good job if I'm spending all my time working a shitty one?
Damn, it would be nice if I could put the depressed blinders back on and ignore this shit a little longer.
*(except when my dad got pissed at me and told me I was "not special" and "ugly"--thanks for those fond memories Pops)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Cee-lex-ia
Yesterday I saw the nurse practitioner my therapist recommended. I was very nervous and anxious, I hate Drs and was prepared for the lecture I would get regarding the fact I have not had a "female checkup" for years. But it was ok. The lady has a little white poodle as a therapy dog, so I got to do most of the appointment with a dog on my lap.
Left with a Rx for Celexa and the name of a lady Md who specializes in women's health. Meds lady wants me to have my thyroid and iron levels checked, but I'm not getting too invested in that outcome. I mean, isn't it every fat girls dream, to hear you have a thyroid issue and there is a magic pill that will fix it? Whatever, if there is one thing I have learned in my 35 years, it's that my life doesn't work like that...
The first dose of meds left me nauseated and tired last night. So, it def curbed the late-night eating. Not much hunger today either--yay for that. I know that my body will soon adjust and the appetite will come roaring back, so I'll just try to make the most of it while it lasts.
Two positive things from the appointment: First, med lady said there was def a big anxiety component to my depression. I know I have a lot of anxiety that I hid from everyone, so I'm glad she could see it and is trying find meds to help. Second, I discussed my fears of gaining weight in relation to meds. She asked me "So how are you weight-wise in relation to your family? Are you about the same as everyone else?" I told her "No, I'm actually kind of a skinny-mini, but that is cuz they are obese." "Well, your doing really good then" she said. Well, I guess maybe I am if you look at it like that...
So, I'm riding the wave of Cee-lex-ia and hoping for the best. I have been doing some stuff around the house and am working on something I'll tell you about soon.
And lisalisa, thanks for your comment on my last post. I know what you are saying is true. I need to do a better job of expressing myself to others and not turning my anger inward. Thanks for calling me on my shit, it shows you really care. :)
Left with a Rx for Celexa and the name of a lady Md who specializes in women's health. Meds lady wants me to have my thyroid and iron levels checked, but I'm not getting too invested in that outcome. I mean, isn't it every fat girls dream, to hear you have a thyroid issue and there is a magic pill that will fix it? Whatever, if there is one thing I have learned in my 35 years, it's that my life doesn't work like that...
The first dose of meds left me nauseated and tired last night. So, it def curbed the late-night eating. Not much hunger today either--yay for that. I know that my body will soon adjust and the appetite will come roaring back, so I'll just try to make the most of it while it lasts.
Two positive things from the appointment: First, med lady said there was def a big anxiety component to my depression. I know I have a lot of anxiety that I hid from everyone, so I'm glad she could see it and is trying find meds to help. Second, I discussed my fears of gaining weight in relation to meds. She asked me "So how are you weight-wise in relation to your family? Are you about the same as everyone else?" I told her "No, I'm actually kind of a skinny-mini, but that is cuz they are obese." "Well, your doing really good then" she said. Well, I guess maybe I am if you look at it like that...
So, I'm riding the wave of Cee-lex-ia and hoping for the best. I have been doing some stuff around the house and am working on something I'll tell you about soon.
And lisalisa, thanks for your comment on my last post. I know what you are saying is true. I need to do a better job of expressing myself to others and not turning my anger inward. Thanks for calling me on my shit, it shows you really care. :)
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Really husband?
The other day when I was bemoaning my 15 pound gain to my husband (yeah, first mistake--never bring up weight with SOs) he said to me "Well, you can just be like Kirstie Alley and lose it all again!" Really husband? You think I look like Kirstie big-as-a-blimp Alley? Fuck. My. Life.
Next week I'm starting a liquids-only fast. Who cares if I fuckin' pass out while driving or go bat-shit-crazy? I'll show him, and everyone else. I'm gonna get so skinny that no one will NOT notice. Watch me.
And when they give me the heartfelt lectures centering around "We just want you to be healthy (ie FAT and docile and conforming) so please stuff you face with something and stop acting like a rabid demon she-devil" I will look at them all serious a quite like I am really sorry I have put them all through this WORRY about ME and my ISSUES instead of letting the world continue to revolve around THEM... but inside you know I'll be flippin' them the bird.
Next week I'm starting a liquids-only fast. Who cares if I fuckin' pass out while driving or go bat-shit-crazy? I'll show him, and everyone else. I'm gonna get so skinny that no one will NOT notice. Watch me.
And when they give me the heartfelt lectures centering around "We just want you to be healthy (ie FAT and docile and conforming) so please stuff you face with something and stop acting like a rabid demon she-devil" I will look at them all serious a quite like I am really sorry I have put them all through this WORRY about ME and my ISSUES instead of letting the world continue to revolve around THEM... but inside you know I'll be flippin' them the bird.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Question
How fast can I lose 10 percent body fat? Cuz that's what needs to happen before I look in the mirror again. Seriously. I am icky with the lard.
Nuff said.
Nuff said.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Ooohh yeah!!
Get this.... My therapist actually RECOMMENDED that I work out twice a day! OMG, I think I'm in love with him. Ok, actually the eating-disordered-obsessive-exercise-bulimic part of me is in love. I felt a twisted satisfaction as I left the house in my workout clothes this evening, smiling at my husband and reminding him "it's Doctor's orders!"
(And no, therapist knows nothing of my eating issues and I plan to keep it that way. At least until I get skinny...)
(And no, therapist knows nothing of my eating issues and I plan to keep it that way. At least until I get skinny...)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Anti-exercise
I wish I could figure out why I have totally stopped exercising. I miss my toned muscles, but just don't have it in me to go work out. :(
Maybe I will bring this up with my counselor at our meeting tomorrow. I felt better after talking to him last week. Get this, he is 75 years old! So far I like him a lot. Very easy to talk to and pays attention. But he has been doing this for 50-some years so he should be good at it. I wonder if/when he is gonna start asking tough questions and saying things I don't want to hear.
I know I have gotten so, so lazy. I need to get the fuck up and out and get on with my life. As in find a job, work on my house, lose weight, exercise, figure out what the heck is going on with my retirement accounts, make contact with friends, you know--basic life shit... But sometimes I just like staying home and doing nothing but sitting on the computer all day. Shoot me. I used to be so driven, always getting high grades in school, tons of extracurriculars, working 2 and 3 and 4 jobs, exercising 2 hours a day. And now look at me. The pendulum has certainly swung the other way.
Maybe I'm burnt out. But I secretly fear I'm just lazy and right now events have conspired to let me get away with it...
Maybe I will bring this up with my counselor at our meeting tomorrow. I felt better after talking to him last week. Get this, he is 75 years old! So far I like him a lot. Very easy to talk to and pays attention. But he has been doing this for 50-some years so he should be good at it. I wonder if/when he is gonna start asking tough questions and saying things I don't want to hear.
I know I have gotten so, so lazy. I need to get the fuck up and out and get on with my life. As in find a job, work on my house, lose weight, exercise, figure out what the heck is going on with my retirement accounts, make contact with friends, you know--basic life shit... But sometimes I just like staying home and doing nothing but sitting on the computer all day. Shoot me. I used to be so driven, always getting high grades in school, tons of extracurriculars, working 2 and 3 and 4 jobs, exercising 2 hours a day. And now look at me. The pendulum has certainly swung the other way.
Maybe I'm burnt out. But I secretly fear I'm just lazy and right now events have conspired to let me get away with it...
Sunday, July 4, 2010
I hate fucking Guitar Hero!
I do. I suck at it and all video type games. If a game requires more than a single mouse click (ie Bejeweled or Farmville) I can't manage it. Never have been too good at hand-eye coordination in regards to shit like that. And in fucking Guitar Hero you get booed off the stage! Why do my husband and friends insist on making me do this? Can't they see my fragile ego can't take it?
--Hey guys, watch this. Let's peer pressure her into playing and then when she gets booed off the stage twice we will give her dirty looks for messing up our songs. That will really slay her and we can watch out of the corner of our eyes as she spends the next 2 hours sitting on the couch trying to look normal while she is crying inside over a fucking game! It will be so great for her self-esteem.--
I don't make them go to art museums or make jewelry or dance or do any of the fucking shit I like to do! And then let them FAIL publicly! Fuckers...
--Hey guys, watch this. Let's peer pressure her into playing and then when she gets booed off the stage twice we will give her dirty looks for messing up our songs. That will really slay her and we can watch out of the corner of our eyes as she spends the next 2 hours sitting on the couch trying to look normal while she is crying inside over a fucking game! It will be so great for her self-esteem.--
I don't make them go to art museums or make jewelry or dance or do any of the fucking shit I like to do! And then let them FAIL publicly! Fuckers...
Shout outs
Hey all, I'm back. Got over my snit and have been sorta busy, sorta doing stuff other than blogging.
I have a lot to talk about, but right now I just have time for shout outs to blogland folks:
Auden, I can't comment on your blog since you changed to the new lay out. :( I really, really, very much want to do that Insanity program, but know I would just die. Seriously. Suicide by exercise.
K from Skinny, I love how your rational accountant mind works in relation to analyzing the "do I have a reason to be unhappy?" thing. I smiled while reading it. My mom is the same way (and she is also an accountant!) Many a time she has tried to reason me out of a depression. And I see your (and her) points and I know things are not as bad as they seem, but my creative, intuitive, and emotional mind just gets stuck on the badness. I can rationalize myself out of it for a while, but then I just fall back into that rut of sadness. Personality flaw, I guess.
And I understand about not knowing where to meet guys. After I graduated college, my prospects totally dried up. I don't have any advice other than to maybe try speed-dating. I toyed with the concept during a time when husband and I were not together (before we got married.) I liked it better than the internet thing as you get an honest visual and I can always tell within 5 minutes with a guy if I want to spend more time with him or not. If they have those things here in my little Kansas town I'm sure they have them in your big city. Unless they are now passe...
Harlow, aww girl. I'm glad you are getting help. I know I was part of the legions that told you how great you looked and how I admired you drive (and that is still true today) but I was also thinking that you really do exercise A LOT and that eating 300 cals a day is really just not healthy. I just want you to find peace. I'm in your corner whatever you do.
Lisalisa, thanks so much for the supportive comment :) I know you understand how much depression sucks. Can you (or anyone else) recommend any anti-depressant meds that don't cause weight gain? I took Prozac years and years ago and blew up like a balloon, but there may have been other factors at work. Thanks for reading me!
I have a lot to talk about, but right now I just have time for shout outs to blogland folks:
Auden, I can't comment on your blog since you changed to the new lay out. :( I really, really, very much want to do that Insanity program, but know I would just die. Seriously. Suicide by exercise.
K from Skinny, I love how your rational accountant mind works in relation to analyzing the "do I have a reason to be unhappy?" thing. I smiled while reading it. My mom is the same way (and she is also an accountant!) Many a time she has tried to reason me out of a depression. And I see your (and her) points and I know things are not as bad as they seem, but my creative, intuitive, and emotional mind just gets stuck on the badness. I can rationalize myself out of it for a while, but then I just fall back into that rut of sadness. Personality flaw, I guess.
And I understand about not knowing where to meet guys. After I graduated college, my prospects totally dried up. I don't have any advice other than to maybe try speed-dating. I toyed with the concept during a time when husband and I were not together (before we got married.) I liked it better than the internet thing as you get an honest visual and I can always tell within 5 minutes with a guy if I want to spend more time with him or not. If they have those things here in my little Kansas town I'm sure they have them in your big city. Unless they are now passe...
Harlow, aww girl. I'm glad you are getting help. I know I was part of the legions that told you how great you looked and how I admired you drive (and that is still true today) but I was also thinking that you really do exercise A LOT and that eating 300 cals a day is really just not healthy. I just want you to find peace. I'm in your corner whatever you do.
Lisalisa, thanks so much for the supportive comment :) I know you understand how much depression sucks. Can you (or anyone else) recommend any anti-depressant meds that don't cause weight gain? I took Prozac years and years ago and blew up like a balloon, but there may have been other factors at work. Thanks for reading me!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Circling the drain
I am depressed. I have had varying degrees of depression all my life, so I KNOW what's happening. I have been slipping for a long time now. I wake up with a stomach ache and I just want to cry, go back to sleep, to stay in bed all day, to never leave the house. What's the point? I have no job, no one wants to hire me, I'm not qualified for anything. I hate my body, I hate myself for gaining back the weight I lost last year. I don't enjoy having sex with my husband, I don't enjoy working out, I don't enjoy anything any more. I can't get my shit together enough to take a bath, let alone apply for jobs or remodel my house or do any of the stuff everyone seems to expect me to do.
I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My husband has his own issues, and somehow whenever I try to talk about my sadness, he turns it around so it's about him. My friends are all busy with their jobs and families and I don't want to bring them down. They can't fix me, and it isn't their job to anyway. I am the broken link in this equation.
I know I need help. I know I need medication. I know what I should do, but it's just too overwhelming at this point to pick up the phone and start the process. I have not seen a counselor or psychiatrist in over 14 years. I have not been to the doctor in over 6 years (except for Med-assist. I fucking hate the medical establishment and have done my best not to interface with them at all.)
I am in a really bad place right now. I have been bawling on and off all morning. I am too overwhelmed to take any positive action right now and I feel so alone. Any supportive you have to offer would be most welcome.
I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My husband has his own issues, and somehow whenever I try to talk about my sadness, he turns it around so it's about him. My friends are all busy with their jobs and families and I don't want to bring them down. They can't fix me, and it isn't their job to anyway. I am the broken link in this equation.
I know I need help. I know I need medication. I know what I should do, but it's just too overwhelming at this point to pick up the phone and start the process. I have not seen a counselor or psychiatrist in over 14 years. I have not been to the doctor in over 6 years (except for Med-assist. I fucking hate the medical establishment and have done my best not to interface with them at all.)
I am in a really bad place right now. I have been bawling on and off all morning. I am too overwhelmed to take any positive action right now and I feel so alone. Any supportive you have to offer would be most welcome.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Life lessons from a garage sale
Background: I have spent the better part of the last week prepping for and working a friend's garage sale. She is cleaning out her 88-year-old father's house in preparation for remodeling so in a year (give or take) they can put the house on the market and move him to some type of assisted living situation.
Life lesson learned: People have too much crap. Clothes, furniture, trinkets, knick-knacks, craft supplies, towels, dishes, free gifts that are just junk, this, that, everything.... It's all just crap. And eventually you will have to deal with getting rid of it and you will realize the painful fact that this "stuff" you have worked for and bought and saved and kept and dusted and insured and stored and moved from house to house and hung on to for days or years or even a lifetime is really not worth anything to anyone.
The moral of the story: "Don't buy it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with it and it will suck."
How this relates to ED: I'm hoping my days of binging and purging are coming to an end. I want to take the lesson of "stuff" and apply it to food. As in "Don't eat it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with the fat this food will put on your body, and it will suck." This is my new mantra.
Life lesson learned: People have too much crap. Clothes, furniture, trinkets, knick-knacks, craft supplies, towels, dishes, free gifts that are just junk, this, that, everything.... It's all just crap. And eventually you will have to deal with getting rid of it and you will realize the painful fact that this "stuff" you have worked for and bought and saved and kept and dusted and insured and stored and moved from house to house and hung on to for days or years or even a lifetime is really not worth anything to anyone.
The moral of the story: "Don't buy it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with it and it will suck."
How this relates to ED: I'm hoping my days of binging and purging are coming to an end. I want to take the lesson of "stuff" and apply it to food. As in "Don't eat it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with the fat this food will put on your body, and it will suck." This is my new mantra.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The depression is hitting hard today
I'm trying to work up the courage to call my uber-successful aunt who has said before she may have a line on a job for me. I know I should. I don't have any other job prospects and my self-confidence is at an all-time low. I just don't feel like I have the skills to do anything at this point. I don't have the qualifications for anything. My degree I spent 5 years getting and 10 years paying for doesn't carry much weight at this point. I am a loser. (Except for weight...I can't lose any of that, har-har.)
Sigh....
Sigh....
Saturday, June 19, 2010
State of the union
Oh husband, right now I think it is just great that I can be purging in the downstairs bathroom and you are upstairs on the computer oblivious to everything. Although I am scared that I may eventually look back upon this time in our marriage and resent how truly self-absorbed you can be.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Some adorableness
As a treat for you all who edure my yammering on about my boring life, I reward you with pictures of my super-cute dog.
Her name is Emmy. She is 6 years old. I love her so freakin much it is insane.
As you can see, she is little (weighs 8 lbs.) and lazy. She lays around a lot.
She is so cute. I can deny her nothing...
Her name is Emmy. She is 6 years old. I love her so freakin much it is insane.
As you can see, she is little (weighs 8 lbs.) and lazy. She lays around a lot.
She is so cute. I can deny her nothing...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thursday update
Today had some good and some not good parts. I guess that works out to an average day.
The good: Did back-to-back aerobic classes this morning.
Drank 2 liters of water.
Took a nap in the afternoon and cuddled my dog.
The bad: A total stranger got on me about dog crap in his yard. My dog was not even crapping, she was just walkin her slow ass thru his grass. Fucker. Makes me want to fill his yard with stinky dog shit.
I didn't get any of the job apps in. I guess there is always tomorrow. I just can't get motivated to open myself up for more rejection.
Ate too much at breakfast and lunch, had a mini-binge in the afternoon and then remedied the situation with a little purging. I figure I've got the skill, I might as well use it. Then I took more pills and have had only a little snack and coffee since the purge.
Tomorrow I seriously need to get on it with the jobs and I need to go to the mall to pay a bill. I may buy some more tank tops and then I seriously need to shut down the spending. I have spent $140 on clothes in less than a week. (Not much to some of you, but then you have jobs and such...)
I'm not sure what the exercise or eating situation will turn out like. Hubby has invited a friend and his gf over in the evening, so I won't be doing my run if that happens. (This friend is notorious for making plans and bailing.) I will still go to aerobics in the morning so that will get me an hour of exercise. I thought about getting up early to run before class but that isn't really in the cards. I'm trying to do strenuous exercise morning and evening to keep my metabolism up. Plus my left knee is feeling a little twingey so I prolly should rest it.
And we are supposed to order Chinese when/if they come over. I may just fast all day so I can eat and enjoy it knowing it is my only calories for the day. Of course, that goes against my natural desire to eat the majority of my calories in the morning, but then again I won't get skinny if I follow my natural desires, will I?
The good: Did back-to-back aerobic classes this morning.
Drank 2 liters of water.
Took a nap in the afternoon and cuddled my dog.
The bad: A total stranger got on me about dog crap in his yard. My dog was not even crapping, she was just walkin her slow ass thru his grass. Fucker. Makes me want to fill his yard with stinky dog shit.
I didn't get any of the job apps in. I guess there is always tomorrow. I just can't get motivated to open myself up for more rejection.
Ate too much at breakfast and lunch, had a mini-binge in the afternoon and then remedied the situation with a little purging. I figure I've got the skill, I might as well use it. Then I took more pills and have had only a little snack and coffee since the purge.
Tomorrow I seriously need to get on it with the jobs and I need to go to the mall to pay a bill. I may buy some more tank tops and then I seriously need to shut down the spending. I have spent $140 on clothes in less than a week. (Not much to some of you, but then you have jobs and such...)
I'm not sure what the exercise or eating situation will turn out like. Hubby has invited a friend and his gf over in the evening, so I won't be doing my run if that happens. (This friend is notorious for making plans and bailing.) I will still go to aerobics in the morning so that will get me an hour of exercise. I thought about getting up early to run before class but that isn't really in the cards. I'm trying to do strenuous exercise morning and evening to keep my metabolism up. Plus my left knee is feeling a little twingey so I prolly should rest it.
And we are supposed to order Chinese when/if they come over. I may just fast all day so I can eat and enjoy it knowing it is my only calories for the day. Of course, that goes against my natural desire to eat the majority of my calories in the morning, but then again I won't get skinny if I follow my natural desires, will I?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Reporting in
I did do a lot better today. No b/p so big snaps up for that.
Made it to morning aerobics class.
Bought craft items at a discount store and am stoked to get into the craft room and use them.
Ate half of what I normally would for breakfast, had a salad for lunch, and only 3 bites of husband's sandwich for dinner. Plus coffee and 2 little snacks during the day. (This restriction is diet-pill aided. Is it cheating? Maybe, but I need a boost to get me going.)
I went for a run/walk this evening. Ok, more walk than run but I am increasing the number of blocks I run v. ones I walk each time. I nearly chickened out because when I got to the area I run in, there were lots of cars. I started freaking out thinking how folks were gonna see my fat jiggling and I didn't have my cute dog along to distract them. (She has a sore foot and is recuperating for a few weeks.) I really wanted to bail, but I told myself that the only way to get this jiggly fat off is to "do it." So I did it. Yay me.
When I got home, husband was just leaving to take the dog for a walk and I went along because he asked me to. I resisted my first impulse the flop on the couch and let them go alone. So I got a little more exercise. Yay me again.
While we were out walking, husband told me I looked "damn good these past few days in my new clothes" so that made me feel good. I mean, it sucks that I have not attained my goal of fitting into those smaller things I have, but it is nice to know I am looking good to hubby while endeavoring to "under grow" those new items. Plus, I do think loser clothes make you look thinner. Like, not so huge they look balloon-ish, but skin tight is just not flattering to anyone who doesn't have good muscle tone and LOW body fat. Maria Carey was the perfect example of this in the 90s. I always thought she would not look as fat if she just bought clothes a size bigger. Now she really does need to lose a few pounds, but she's married and happy and getting older and I can't fault her for being in the exact same situation I am in, now can I?
So that's a recap of my pretty good day. (Oh, and the dead birds are gone so husband is safe from my wrath. And I drank 2+ liters of water today.) I must get to bed before the diet pills wear off and the hunger returns. Tomorrow I am putting in apps for 8 jobs. Wish me luck...
Made it to morning aerobics class.
Bought craft items at a discount store and am stoked to get into the craft room and use them.
Ate half of what I normally would for breakfast, had a salad for lunch, and only 3 bites of husband's sandwich for dinner. Plus coffee and 2 little snacks during the day. (This restriction is diet-pill aided. Is it cheating? Maybe, but I need a boost to get me going.)
I went for a run/walk this evening. Ok, more walk than run but I am increasing the number of blocks I run v. ones I walk each time. I nearly chickened out because when I got to the area I run in, there were lots of cars. I started freaking out thinking how folks were gonna see my fat jiggling and I didn't have my cute dog along to distract them. (She has a sore foot and is recuperating for a few weeks.) I really wanted to bail, but I told myself that the only way to get this jiggly fat off is to "do it." So I did it. Yay me.
When I got home, husband was just leaving to take the dog for a walk and I went along because he asked me to. I resisted my first impulse the flop on the couch and let them go alone. So I got a little more exercise. Yay me again.
While we were out walking, husband told me I looked "damn good these past few days in my new clothes" so that made me feel good. I mean, it sucks that I have not attained my goal of fitting into those smaller things I have, but it is nice to know I am looking good to hubby while endeavoring to "under grow" those new items. Plus, I do think loser clothes make you look thinner. Like, not so huge they look balloon-ish, but skin tight is just not flattering to anyone who doesn't have good muscle tone and LOW body fat. Maria Carey was the perfect example of this in the 90s. I always thought she would not look as fat if she just bought clothes a size bigger. Now she really does need to lose a few pounds, but she's married and happy and getting older and I can't fault her for being in the exact same situation I am in, now can I?
So that's a recap of my pretty good day. (Oh, and the dead birds are gone so husband is safe from my wrath. And I drank 2+ liters of water today.) I must get to bed before the diet pills wear off and the hunger returns. Tomorrow I am putting in apps for 8 jobs. Wish me luck...
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Tuseday blither
I have lots rattling around in my brain, but I don't know how much I'll get out before I lose interest or if it will be worth reading for anyone. But it's my blog, and I can bore you to tears if I wanna.
The good: Got some new clothes for cheap this weekend. So my fat ass is covered in a stylish manner and I can go out in public without a 2-hour freak-out about what I'm gonna wear.
The bad: A cat has taken up residence on our front porch and is amassing a lovely collection of decapitated bird carcases. I sweetly mentioned to my husband 2 days ago that I would like them gone. As of this morning they are still there. Guess it's time to get the bitch out and MAKE him get rid of them.
The ugly: I have skipped morning workout on the pretense of cleaning house and instead spent most of the time stuffing my face with graham crackers. I have also eaten pasta salad and cooked a pizza. Yes, there is purging in my near future. I promise I really will try to do better tomorrow...
The good: Got some new clothes for cheap this weekend. So my fat ass is covered in a stylish manner and I can go out in public without a 2-hour freak-out about what I'm gonna wear.
The bad: A cat has taken up residence on our front porch and is amassing a lovely collection of decapitated bird carcases. I sweetly mentioned to my husband 2 days ago that I would like them gone. As of this morning they are still there. Guess it's time to get the bitch out and MAKE him get rid of them.
The ugly: I have skipped morning workout on the pretense of cleaning house and instead spent most of the time stuffing my face with graham crackers. I have also eaten pasta salad and cooked a pizza. Yes, there is purging in my near future. I promise I really will try to do better tomorrow...
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Less eating, more doing
That's the plan for this week. I'm shutting off my brain, shutting my mouth, and just gonna do what it takes to keep myself busy and sane. No calorie counting, no getting on the scale. Lots of exercising, lots of moving, doing, being.
I'm sick of sitting around and being miserable. I think I use food in part to "gear myself down" from my natural kinda flighty state. When I don't eat a lot, I have a high energy level but need to "do" stuff. When I sit, I get antsy and the best way to cure that is to eat something. If I eat enough, I can get into a sort of "food coma" and just while away the hours doing not much of anything.
Well, no more!! No more sitting, eating, and gaining! Get out the way folks! I'm gonna unleash my natural energy and really get some shit DONE!
I'm sick of sitting around and being miserable. I think I use food in part to "gear myself down" from my natural kinda flighty state. When I don't eat a lot, I have a high energy level but need to "do" stuff. When I sit, I get antsy and the best way to cure that is to eat something. If I eat enough, I can get into a sort of "food coma" and just while away the hours doing not much of anything.
Well, no more!! No more sitting, eating, and gaining! Get out the way folks! I'm gonna unleash my natural energy and really get some shit DONE!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thrift store no-no
If you get your period and stain your cute pajama bottoms, please do not donate them to the thrift store. Some unsuspecting person will come along and excitedly pull them off the rack, only to be subjected to your menstrual remnants. Even though you obviously washed them, if the stain is still visible in any way, just throw them out. Please and thank you.
Tomorrow is...
Tomorrow is the 8-year anniversary of my father's death. I am missing him a lot lately. Fucking cancer...
We were very close. Some times so close that we drove each other nuts. Sometimes he was an asshole. Sometimes I was a manipulative little bitch. But I loved him so much and he taught me so much and he is really the reason I am the person I am today.
I have this flash of memory from my wedding day that I have never shared with anyone. The rest of the wedding party had walked into they sanctuary and it was my turn. The music changed and the wedding coordinator looked at me and said "Are you ready?" As I looked at the door I was about to walk through, this thought cracked across my brain
"I wish my Dad was here"
And that's all I really have to say today.
We were very close. Some times so close that we drove each other nuts. Sometimes he was an asshole. Sometimes I was a manipulative little bitch. But I loved him so much and he taught me so much and he is really the reason I am the person I am today.
I have this flash of memory from my wedding day that I have never shared with anyone. The rest of the wedding party had walked into they sanctuary and it was my turn. The music changed and the wedding coordinator looked at me and said "Are you ready?" As I looked at the door I was about to walk through, this thought cracked across my brain
"I wish my Dad was here"
And that's all I really have to say today.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
WTF?
So, I've been limiting my calories to betwen 1000 and 1200 a day, I've been working out twice a day, drinking 2 liters of water a day and........I've GAINED 2 POUNDS!! Fuck my life.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Stop the self-hate?
The thought flitted across my mind today that "it doesn't matter what I do diet-wise as long as I don't hate myself any more." I contemplated embarking on a serious endeavor to change my ways and stop the internal beat-downs I give myself on an hourly basis. But then I realized that self-hate is one of the most valuable tools I have in my motivational arsenal. Don't think I can give that up any time soon...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Panic at my disco
Yesterday my skinny friend tells me she wants to treat myself, my skinny husband, and her skinny boyfriend to a day at the water park soon. My reaction is immediate and total internal PANIC!! I will stick out like a sore thumb among these 3 twiggy folks. (A short, fat, cellulite-riddled thumb. Ick!)
So, do I come home and start a fast or go run for a few miles? Hell no! I order Chinese food an pig the fuck out. Great choice there, self.
Starting tomorrow I am keeping a food journal (done it before, hate it), tracking my calories, working out 2x a day, and drinking 2 litres of water--NO MATTER WHAT! I have to step it up if I'm gonna hang with these skinny bitches.
So, do I come home and start a fast or go run for a few miles? Hell no! I order Chinese food an pig the fuck out. Great choice there, self.
Starting tomorrow I am keeping a food journal (done it before, hate it), tracking my calories, working out 2x a day, and drinking 2 litres of water--NO MATTER WHAT! I have to step it up if I'm gonna hang with these skinny bitches.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Dear husband,
It really annoys me the way you forget things I tell you. Like how I told you 3 times yesterday that I was meeting someone at 5pm today, and then you call this morning and tell me you made plans for us right after work! I know you honestly don't do it on purpose, but it pisses me off because it makes me feel unimportant and let's me know I am wasting my time by telling you things. I wish you would pay better attention, lay of the fucking weed, or write down the shit I tell you!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Crankypants, size Medium-point-five please
So, the shopping that was intended to relieve my cranky mood turned into a combination of running errands and finding multiple opportunities to be annoyed whilst nearly being involved in several traffic accidents.
First annoyance: The consignment store only took half of the clothes I took in. And I'm perplexed as some of the pieces they rejected were really nice office clothes of the type that are usually snapped up right away. These are too big items that I am happy to part with. I've already tried to sell these things at 2 garage sales, lowering the prices to practically nothing, but no takers. Fuggers! I have one more garage sale to try at the end of the month and then I will decide if I want to try Craigslisting them, altering them smaller (prolly not gonna do that...I want new shit, not fashion re-runs) or just giving them to charity.
Next annoyance: I am stuck in the clothing badlands where nothing fits. I have sold (most)everything I own that is too big (except for those annoying remnants mentioned above) and have a closet 3/4 full of stuff that is too small that I figure will fit ok when I lose another 10 lbs. Unfortunately, it seems that Jesus may show up before I can get into my summer clothes. So, whilst we wait for the second coming, I have very little to wear and just wanna buy a new t-shirt or two and can't for the life of me fucking find one that fits! I am too big for most Mediums, too small for Larges. If someone made Medium.5 they would be getting my money right now.
Last annoyance: Scale. Is. Not. Moving. And. I. Just. Wanna. Give. Up. I am fucking sore from working out and fighting the urge to snack so much my teeth hurt. Serious white-knuckling today folks. My stomach is sloshy-full of salad, water, and diet soda, but it's taking all my strength not to dive into a binge head-first.
At least I got my library books returned and the box dropped off at UPS. I'll hang on to that while I chew gum and surf my fav shopping sites in search of the perfect pair of crankypants.
First annoyance: The consignment store only took half of the clothes I took in. And I'm perplexed as some of the pieces they rejected were really nice office clothes of the type that are usually snapped up right away. These are too big items that I am happy to part with. I've already tried to sell these things at 2 garage sales, lowering the prices to practically nothing, but no takers. Fuggers! I have one more garage sale to try at the end of the month and then I will decide if I want to try Craigslisting them, altering them smaller (prolly not gonna do that...I want new shit, not fashion re-runs) or just giving them to charity.
Next annoyance: I am stuck in the clothing badlands where nothing fits. I have sold (most)everything I own that is too big (except for those annoying remnants mentioned above) and have a closet 3/4 full of stuff that is too small that I figure will fit ok when I lose another 10 lbs. Unfortunately, it seems that Jesus may show up before I can get into my summer clothes. So, whilst we wait for the second coming, I have very little to wear and just wanna buy a new t-shirt or two and can't for the life of me fucking find one that fits! I am too big for most Mediums, too small for Larges. If someone made Medium.5 they would be getting my money right now.
Last annoyance: Scale. Is. Not. Moving. And. I. Just. Wanna. Give. Up. I am fucking sore from working out and fighting the urge to snack so much my teeth hurt. Serious white-knuckling today folks. My stomach is sloshy-full of salad, water, and diet soda, but it's taking all my strength not to dive into a binge head-first.
At least I got my library books returned and the box dropped off at UPS. I'll hang on to that while I chew gum and surf my fav shopping sites in search of the perfect pair of crankypants.
Bleh
I weighed in today and registered a 4 pound loss from whenever the heck it was since I had the guts to get on the scale last. Yay for that and all, but I'm not happy 'cuz I did the math and realized I'm 35lbs from my goal weight. FUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKK. I wish this stupid fat would just leave the building!! Damn my strong survival instincts. I just wanna be skinny!
I'm so depressed, I think I'll go shopping. At least that way I won't be moping around at home and tempted to binge.
I'm so depressed, I think I'll go shopping. At least that way I won't be moping around at home and tempted to binge.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
You won't believe it!!
My Mother-in-law is on a diet!! Oh the sweet, sweet feel of karma comin' around and taking care of me again. Her doctor told her to "lose weight or else" so she was eating salad today and had NO baked goodies out at all! (Get out your sweaters, hell has frozen over!)
I left my bag of sugar snap peas with her. I am now her fav daughter-in-law.
I left my bag of sugar snap peas with her. I am now her fav daughter-in-law.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Going visiting
Tomorrow husband and I go for a long over-due visit to his parents. Whoopee, I'm not excited, for various reasons but the main one is the crap-ass food I will have to deal with. My mother-in-law is a big baker (cookies, cakes, pies, etc.) and has never meet a carb she didn't like enough to have intimate knowledge of. Also, his folks are cheap-asses who live out in the sticks and don't buy anything but canned veggies due in part to their miserly ways and in part to logistical factors. Fresh veg are not big sellers at the tiny local grocery store (they are lucky to get iceberg lettuce and tomatoes) and it's a 45 minute drive to a town with a Walmart. Meals at his parents are almost always served with rice, stuffing, peas or corn, and bread. I seriously believe that if the woman could somehow make meat into a carb she would do it.
I'm taking a huge salad and my own dressing (since they prolly don't have any) and some almonds. I refuse to break my low-carb roll for these people. Nothing they will have to eat will be worth deviating from my diet for. Even his mom's baked goods are not all that great. She is always fiddling with the recipes, leaving stuff out and subbing stuff and adding things like black walnuts that someone gave them for free. It ends up tasting like dry bland crap to me. (If I'm having a dessert, I want moist, chewy, gooey, sweat, creamy, tasty, inch-thick frosting, mother-fucking dessert! If your gonna tempt me, you better bring it so hard that I have a foodgasm when I eat and I know the next time I struggle to get into my pants that the extra fat you put on my ass was damn well worth it!)
If the situation gets weird over the food, I have half a mind to take them to school for the excessive carbs they eat. My MIL has told me before that she is "always hungry 2 hours after she eats." Well, duh, that's your blood sugar bottoming out after the rice-stuffing-bread-peas-potatoes-corn-starch-sugar-starch-sugar meal you just ate! (Oh, and did I mention she is about 70 pounds overweight?) But, there is another part of me that knows it won't do any good in the grand scheme of things and that I should just let it go. I'm betting that is the part that will win out tomorrow, but you never know. I may just grow a spine one of these days...
I'm taking a huge salad and my own dressing (since they prolly don't have any) and some almonds. I refuse to break my low-carb roll for these people. Nothing they will have to eat will be worth deviating from my diet for. Even his mom's baked goods are not all that great. She is always fiddling with the recipes, leaving stuff out and subbing stuff and adding things like black walnuts that someone gave them for free. It ends up tasting like dry bland crap to me. (If I'm having a dessert, I want moist, chewy, gooey, sweat, creamy, tasty, inch-thick frosting, mother-fucking dessert! If your gonna tempt me, you better bring it so hard that I have a foodgasm when I eat and I know the next time I struggle to get into my pants that the extra fat you put on my ass was damn well worth it!)
If the situation gets weird over the food, I have half a mind to take them to school for the excessive carbs they eat. My MIL has told me before that she is "always hungry 2 hours after she eats." Well, duh, that's your blood sugar bottoming out after the rice-stuffing-bread-peas-potatoes-corn-starch-sugar-starch-sugar meal you just ate! (Oh, and did I mention she is about 70 pounds overweight?) But, there is another part of me that knows it won't do any good in the grand scheme of things and that I should just let it go. I'm betting that is the part that will win out tomorrow, but you never know. I may just grow a spine one of these days...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
My current food obsession is...
...blanched broccoli, cold from the refrigerator, with barbecue sauce. I know it sounds odd, but to me right now it is the most tasty thing in the world. (Ok, that's a lie, but it is the most tasty thing I will let myself eat. So it's the most tasty thing in MY world. I know there is sugar in BBQ sauce but fuck it as it's the only sugar/carb I have eaten for days. And no, I'm not going nuts with it. I have 2-3 tablespoons per day and that's it.)
And I did 2 Jazzercise classes today, back-to-back. I sweat like crazy in class and am on my second bottle of water for the day. I would have to say, it seems like my fledgling eating disorder is progressing nicely. Go me.
And I did 2 Jazzercise classes today, back-to-back. I sweat like crazy in class and am on my second bottle of water for the day. I would have to say, it seems like my fledgling eating disorder is progressing nicely. Go me.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
If....(sparked by a question on another blog)
If I had the time, money, and no other responsibilities I would:
1) Buy some big old cool looking car with a bench front seat. (Like a Charger or a Gran Torino.)
2) Get a cool tattoo on my upper left arm (design yet to be determined).
3) Buy some expensive, kick-ass awesome cowboy boots.
4) Put on Levis, a tank top, my belt with the big sterling buckle, the expensive cowboy boots, get on Route 66 in Oklahoma and drive the big car across the Southwest with the windows open and my bad-ass tattoo displayed 'cuz I have my left elbow on the ledge of the open car window.
In my fantasy I would drive for days in the heat and dust, sleep in the car, drink regular Coca-cola, have leather bracelets on my wrists, and not give a shit about anything. I would stop at diners for pie and coffee. I would buy cool jewelry and cheap trinkets and dye my hair black with white-blond highlights. I would pick up a guy who looks like Chris Cornell and there would be lots of fucking. In heat of the car in the desert. In the cool morning dark of cheap motels. I would point that big ol' car to the west and drive into the sunset smoking cigarettes. I would clear my head of all the "if onlys" and "whys" and "why didn't yous" and just drive and drive and drive...
1) Buy some big old cool looking car with a bench front seat. (Like a Charger or a Gran Torino.)
2) Get a cool tattoo on my upper left arm (design yet to be determined).
3) Buy some expensive, kick-ass awesome cowboy boots.
4) Put on Levis, a tank top, my belt with the big sterling buckle, the expensive cowboy boots, get on Route 66 in Oklahoma and drive the big car across the Southwest with the windows open and my bad-ass tattoo displayed 'cuz I have my left elbow on the ledge of the open car window.
In my fantasy I would drive for days in the heat and dust, sleep in the car, drink regular Coca-cola, have leather bracelets on my wrists, and not give a shit about anything. I would stop at diners for pie and coffee. I would buy cool jewelry and cheap trinkets and dye my hair black with white-blond highlights. I would pick up a guy who looks like Chris Cornell and there would be lots of fucking. In heat of the car in the desert. In the cool morning dark of cheap motels. I would point that big ol' car to the west and drive into the sunset smoking cigarettes. I would clear my head of all the "if onlys" and "whys" and "why didn't yous" and just drive and drive and drive...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Tired? Uninspired?
Not much blogging going on with me for a while now. I read other blogs, rarely comment, and then come here and start a post that never gets finished. I have been busy, but not doing things that matter. Not losing, barely working out, eating has been all over the place. I have tons of thoughts in my head and things I need to sit down and write about, but I just can't get my shit together enough to DO it.
One thing I am happy to report. After living with my husband for 13 months, I have finally purged our home of the excess furniture and duplicate household goods. The house now looks like a place where people live instead of a storage unit. It has taken a year of having garage sales and selling stuff on Craig's list, not to mention the marital discord the "unburdening" has caused. But, it's over now. (Of course there is always more crap we could get rid of. Life just seems to accumulate crap, doesn't it? But at least there are not 5 sofas in the house any more!)
So, instead of being witty or inspiring for y'all, I am gonna go downstairs and rearrange the remaining furniture and sweep the floor.
One thing I am happy to report. After living with my husband for 13 months, I have finally purged our home of the excess furniture and duplicate household goods. The house now looks like a place where people live instead of a storage unit. It has taken a year of having garage sales and selling stuff on Craig's list, not to mention the marital discord the "unburdening" has caused. But, it's over now. (Of course there is always more crap we could get rid of. Life just seems to accumulate crap, doesn't it? But at least there are not 5 sofas in the house any more!)
So, instead of being witty or inspiring for y'all, I am gonna go downstairs and rearrange the remaining furniture and sweep the floor.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
F--- you Kansas Unemployment!
Fuck you Kansas Unemployment Insurance system. Fuck you for sending me a bogus letter denying my claim when I have been getting benefits for oh, like, a YEAR now. Fuck you and your stupid system that auto-prints these dumb letters and sends them to folks like me who then freak out and immediately want to eat every fucking thing in sight because that's what WE DO when faced with shitty news!
But I showed you. I DIDN'T binge. I didn't let you steal the joy that I was carrying close to my heart because I found out just this afternoon that my student got an A and a B in the classes I was tutoring him in. That all my hard work of keeping his ADHD ass on task and gritting my teeth at his stupid rants about this, that, and everything else came to fruition after all these months and that I finally accomplished something good and worthwhile and useful!
I didn't choose to go down the rabbit hole of bingeing and purging crap food I can't afford because I'm trying to fill a fucking hole of bottomless insecurity in my psyche that you helped re-open. I said F--- you and called a former co-worker who is in the same stage of your stupid unemployment system and found out the letter is bogus and I AM still getting my $$ so once again, for the record, I say F-U-C-K Y-O-U!!
But I showed you. I DIDN'T binge. I didn't let you steal the joy that I was carrying close to my heart because I found out just this afternoon that my student got an A and a B in the classes I was tutoring him in. That all my hard work of keeping his ADHD ass on task and gritting my teeth at his stupid rants about this, that, and everything else came to fruition after all these months and that I finally accomplished something good and worthwhile and useful!
I didn't choose to go down the rabbit hole of bingeing and purging crap food I can't afford because I'm trying to fill a fucking hole of bottomless insecurity in my psyche that you helped re-open. I said F--- you and called a former co-worker who is in the same stage of your stupid unemployment system and found out the letter is bogus and I AM still getting my $$ so once again, for the record, I say F-U-C-K Y-O-U!!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Back and fatter than ever!
Yep, I am fatter. Busting out of my clothes and even had to resort to buying some bigger pants. FML. The scale is remaining the same but my fitness and muscle tone have left the building and I'm a jiggly mess. I'm going on my 5th month of seriously not working out and it's showing. I bought one of those knock-off Spanx tops to compress my jelly-belly enough that I would actually be willing to leave the house. It works ok, (like, the rolls are squished together to form a firm barrel-shaped torso) but I miss my slim, flat stomach.
I would like to say that these revelations have motivated me to get off my lardy ass and exercise and put down the oatmeal cream pies, but actually only one of those has happened so far, and it wasn't the exercise one. I bought a ton of salad veg today and am getting back on the low carb wagon, but I gotta admit that I'm not sure my heart is in it.
Now that the wedding is past, what IS my motivation to stay slim? Well, I guess to not hate myself for being fat and lazy is a good reason. And to actually wear the clothes in my closet. And to not feel self-conscious in matters related to my figure. And to reach the goal I set for myself.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just haven't been "feelin' it" in regards to weight loss for some time now. But I think I'm almost ready to try again.
Stay tuned....
I would like to say that these revelations have motivated me to get off my lardy ass and exercise and put down the oatmeal cream pies, but actually only one of those has happened so far, and it wasn't the exercise one. I bought a ton of salad veg today and am getting back on the low carb wagon, but I gotta admit that I'm not sure my heart is in it.
Now that the wedding is past, what IS my motivation to stay slim? Well, I guess to not hate myself for being fat and lazy is a good reason. And to actually wear the clothes in my closet. And to not feel self-conscious in matters related to my figure. And to reach the goal I set for myself.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just haven't been "feelin' it" in regards to weight loss for some time now. But I think I'm almost ready to try again.
Stay tuned....
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Baby steps
Hey yall! I'm so proud of myself I have to brag. I made it thru the day yesterday having eaten nothing in preparation for the cookout. Then, I ate normal portions and didn't go nuts and binge and then purge later. Yay for freakin' me!! I'm on a role, my goal for today is 600 cals and I'm on track for that. (Had a small salad in the late afternoon and will have oatmeal for dinner.)
I won't lie, I have had moments of weakness, but I thought of you all and chugged my water and have soldiered on. I'm finding that it is just easier to not eat than have to fight the hunger pangs that come 2-4 hours after eating. Thank you all for inspiring me and showing me it is possible.
I won't lie, I have had moments of weakness, but I thought of you all and chugged my water and have soldiered on. I'm finding that it is just easier to not eat than have to fight the hunger pangs that come 2-4 hours after eating. Thank you all for inspiring me and showing me it is possible.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Progress
Yesterday I consumed only 1000 calories and worked out, drank my entire bottle of water and had veggies at 2 of my 3 meals. Today I am on track to have 1200 cals and have already worked out and taken the dog on a long walk. I have a raging headache as I ended up going 8 hours without eating after locking my keys in the car and having to deal with that. I got dehydrated and that played a part in it too.
Tomorrow I doubt I will get a workout except walking the dog. I plan to fast all day as I am going to a cookout tomorrow night and would like to eat a meal with my friends, including dessert. My calorie goal for the day is 1400.
Thursday I have a job interview (wish me luck) and plan to eat only 600 cal. I know I can do it as I will be busy and prolly stressed for most of the day. Friday my goal is 800. I'm trying my own 2-4-6-8 plan with way more cals as I am trying to move from being a dedicated binger to a dedicated starver. My daily cals are 1200, 1400, 600, 800, then decide where to go from there.
Today I bought a pair of "fat pants" at Target to wear at the interview. I am sad, disgusted, and pissed off to have to do it, but my self confidence would not be spot on if I had to wear the sausage-casings in my closet that are passing for pants while trying to get those people to give me a job. Seriously, I was wearing sweats all weekend as that is all I own that fits. I figure it's $15 well spent if I get the job, and if not, I will eventually have another pair of baggy pants to lounge in once I starve this fat off my ass.
Tomorrow I doubt I will get a workout except walking the dog. I plan to fast all day as I am going to a cookout tomorrow night and would like to eat a meal with my friends, including dessert. My calorie goal for the day is 1400.
Thursday I have a job interview (wish me luck) and plan to eat only 600 cal. I know I can do it as I will be busy and prolly stressed for most of the day. Friday my goal is 800. I'm trying my own 2-4-6-8 plan with way more cals as I am trying to move from being a dedicated binger to a dedicated starver. My daily cals are 1200, 1400, 600, 800, then decide where to go from there.
Today I bought a pair of "fat pants" at Target to wear at the interview. I am sad, disgusted, and pissed off to have to do it, but my self confidence would not be spot on if I had to wear the sausage-casings in my closet that are passing for pants while trying to get those people to give me a job. Seriously, I was wearing sweats all weekend as that is all I own that fits. I figure it's $15 well spent if I get the job, and if not, I will eventually have another pair of baggy pants to lounge in once I starve this fat off my ass.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Goodbye food
I don't need you any more. After those awful FB pictures my friend posted where I look all chunky and bloated, I have finally realized what you have done to me. Telling me "I need you," "I'm good for you" and "I can't live without you" while dragging me pound by pound away from my goal. You suck! I don't wanna be that chunky, pudgy, doughy gal any more. I finally know now that I deserve better so buh-BYE! I can totally make it without you! Other's do it every day. I am strong. I see through you. You are nothing to me.
(And when my stomach is all twisted up and burning from emptiness and I'm about to pass out, standing with my head in the fridge doing the diet equivalent of a drunk-dial, I'm gonna think of those designer jeans and tank-tops I want to wear this summer and I'm gonna tell you to step the FUCK OFF!!)
(And when my stomach is all twisted up and burning from emptiness and I'm about to pass out, standing with my head in the fridge doing the diet equivalent of a drunk-dial, I'm gonna think of those designer jeans and tank-tops I want to wear this summer and I'm gonna tell you to step the FUCK OFF!!)
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Down in a hole
I'm currently in a PMS induced eating-frenzy, but otherwise accomplishing lots around the house an on the job-search front. So I'm riding the wave. Will crawl my fat ass out of this pastry-filled hole in a few days...
Stay strong, loves, 'cuz I'm sure not right now...
Stay strong, loves, 'cuz I'm sure not right now...
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Down 2
Scale says I'm down 2 pounds despite this weekends binge(s). (Yep there were two binges. Gotta put it out there as I believe in truthful blogging.) I'm hoping its an actual loss and not just dehydration. Time will tell.
This weeks goals are to make it to 4 Jazzercise classes (ended up only doing 3 last week) and drink 32oz of water daily. Now I know 32oz is not even close to the recommended 9-million gallons you are supposed to drink for optimum health. But whatever, 32oz will be a stretch for me. I used to be really good with the water, only having 1 or 2 sodas a day, never touching coffee, and only drinking water the rest of the time. Now I drink coffee, and soda, and maybe 2 glasses of water a day. I guess I just got burned out on water (ha ha, sorta funny if you actually think about it...or maybe just lame). And I don't like those flavored water additives like Crystal Light and such. (I just wanna drink Diet Dr. Pepper!!!) Plus, those flavored water things seem to make me retain water like if I had a salty meal and I wake up the next day all puffy. Homey don't wanna wake up puffy and homey don't wanna drink that darn flavored water!
Also, totally need to get on that whole "find a job, bitch" thing. Perhaps I will give myself $5 to spend guilt-free for every application I put in. We will see how it goes...
This weeks goals are to make it to 4 Jazzercise classes (ended up only doing 3 last week) and drink 32oz of water daily. Now I know 32oz is not even close to the recommended 9-million gallons you are supposed to drink for optimum health. But whatever, 32oz will be a stretch for me. I used to be really good with the water, only having 1 or 2 sodas a day, never touching coffee, and only drinking water the rest of the time. Now I drink coffee, and soda, and maybe 2 glasses of water a day. I guess I just got burned out on water (ha ha, sorta funny if you actually think about it...or maybe just lame). And I don't like those flavored water additives like Crystal Light and such. (I just wanna drink Diet Dr. Pepper!!!) Plus, those flavored water things seem to make me retain water like if I had a salty meal and I wake up the next day all puffy. Homey don't wanna wake up puffy and homey don't wanna drink that darn flavored water!
Also, totally need to get on that whole "find a job, bitch" thing. Perhaps I will give myself $5 to spend guilt-free for every application I put in. We will see how it goes...
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Post-blow up
Why do "they" always say that when you are angry it is good to "get it out there" and "express yourself" and "say what you need to say"??
When I display anger or other emotions I just leave feeling shattered, exposed, and weak.
And nothing ever changes anyway.........
When I display anger or other emotions I just leave feeling shattered, exposed, and weak.
And nothing ever changes anyway.........
Friday, April 16, 2010
Just because...
Just because I was phoning it in at tutoring today and my student missed six points on the quiz.......I am not a bad person.
Just because my house is littered with 32 and 44oz Styrofoam cups because fountain Diet Dr. Pepper is my new crack.........I am not a bad person.
Just because my dog needs a bath and a toenail trim and is scratching like she has fleas.......I am not a bad person.
Just because I gave my horrible bronchial illness and cough-from-hell to my mother.......I am not a bad person.
Just because I have a UTI and have to pee about 6-million times a day.......I am not a bad person.
Just because my check did not come in the mail today and I have $2 and change in my purse for the weekend.........I am not a bad person.
Just because I don't wanna go camping when it is damp and windy and 38 degrees.......I am not a bad person. (This one's for you, husband.)
Just because I spent my free time this past week shopping and playing Farmville instead of applying for jobs.......I am not a bad person.
Just because I spent over $50 on clothes this week........I am not a bad person.
Just because I skipped workout today...........I am not a bad person.
Just because I ate rice and sausage today.....I am not a bad person.
Just because I ate a bagel......I am not a bad person.
Just because I binged and purged today..........I AM NOT A BAD PERSON.
Just because my house is littered with 32 and 44oz Styrofoam cups because fountain Diet Dr. Pepper is my new crack.........I am not a bad person.
Just because my dog needs a bath and a toenail trim and is scratching like she has fleas.......I am not a bad person.
Just because I gave my horrible bronchial illness and cough-from-hell to my mother.......I am not a bad person.
Just because I have a UTI and have to pee about 6-million times a day.......I am not a bad person.
Just because my check did not come in the mail today and I have $2 and change in my purse for the weekend.........I am not a bad person.
Just because I don't wanna go camping when it is damp and windy and 38 degrees.......I am not a bad person. (This one's for you, husband.)
Just because I spent my free time this past week shopping and playing Farmville instead of applying for jobs.......I am not a bad person.
Just because I spent over $50 on clothes this week........I am not a bad person.
Just because I skipped workout today...........I am not a bad person.
Just because I ate rice and sausage today.....I am not a bad person.
Just because I ate a bagel......I am not a bad person.
Just because I binged and purged today..........I AM NOT A BAD PERSON.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Good day repeated
So, today I made it to my second Jazzercise of the week. (No sweat on the floor tonight but I was ringing wet after and I was standing under a fan so I'm chalking it up to that.) My meals got kinda out of sync as I actually ate breakfast so was not hungry for lunch and then starving after work. But I just gritted my teeth and drank my protein shake and went to workout. Snaps up for that!
Tonight I'm making another salad for dinner. I like my hubs working late as I can eat what I want and its very freeing not to have him around at mealtime. In some ways he's just as fucked about food as I am but the other way, he's one of those folks who honest to god forgets to eat. It's just so frustrating to hear him say at 5 o'clock "Man, I'm hungry, I haven't eaten all day..." and then he gets going on a game or project and finally eats about 9pm. Fucker. I so wanna be like him in regards to food. He also looses his appetite when he gets stressed or upset. WTF?!?! I binge when stressed or upset. I guess we are a perfect pair. Anyway, sorry for the husband tangent. What I'm really trying to say is that ever since his lecture about the ice cream a few weeks ago I have felt weird eating around him. I eat my meals alone in the kitchen so he doesn't see what or how much I eat. It may be wrong, but it's just easier for me to deal with it this way.
Anyway, back to the good stuff! I also refused dinner at Olive Garden with my mom tonight. She is in town for meetings and called as she and her co-worker were on the way to the restaurant. Thank god I worked out as I was sweaty and gross and on my way home (which is on the other side of town from O.G.) so I used that to beg off. Plus meals out are not in the budget, but I didn't have to use that excuse. I thought about going for a split second and "just having salad" but we all know how that would have turned out. I would have caved and ordered pasta and binged or been good and then been pissed watching them eat the yummy food and come home and binged. Possible outcomes of entering restaurant? Fail or fail. So I feel good that I just said "NO" (like Ms. Reagan taught us in the 80s--har, har) and came on home.
Tomorrow I may try Auden's suggestion (sorry, I don't know how to add links but check her blog out as I am a follower) and fast for just a day. I'm gonna be in the car for 5 hours and will not be doing any strenuous exercise so it seems a good time to try. I might have to eat breakfast though, we will see.
Tonight I'm making another salad for dinner. I like my hubs working late as I can eat what I want and its very freeing not to have him around at mealtime. In some ways he's just as fucked about food as I am but the other way, he's one of those folks who honest to god forgets to eat. It's just so frustrating to hear him say at 5 o'clock "Man, I'm hungry, I haven't eaten all day..." and then he gets going on a game or project and finally eats about 9pm. Fucker. I so wanna be like him in regards to food. He also looses his appetite when he gets stressed or upset. WTF?!?! I binge when stressed or upset. I guess we are a perfect pair. Anyway, sorry for the husband tangent. What I'm really trying to say is that ever since his lecture about the ice cream a few weeks ago I have felt weird eating around him. I eat my meals alone in the kitchen so he doesn't see what or how much I eat. It may be wrong, but it's just easier for me to deal with it this way.
Anyway, back to the good stuff! I also refused dinner at Olive Garden with my mom tonight. She is in town for meetings and called as she and her co-worker were on the way to the restaurant. Thank god I worked out as I was sweaty and gross and on my way home (which is on the other side of town from O.G.) so I used that to beg off. Plus meals out are not in the budget, but I didn't have to use that excuse. I thought about going for a split second and "just having salad" but we all know how that would have turned out. I would have caved and ordered pasta and binged or been good and then been pissed watching them eat the yummy food and come home and binged. Possible outcomes of entering restaurant? Fail or fail. So I feel good that I just said "NO" (like Ms. Reagan taught us in the 80s--har, har) and came on home.
Tomorrow I may try Auden's suggestion (sorry, I don't know how to add links but check her blog out as I am a follower) and fast for just a day. I'm gonna be in the car for 5 hours and will not be doing any strenuous exercise so it seems a good time to try. I might have to eat breakfast though, we will see.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Good day
I've got some good stuff to report today! Weighed in at 151 so yesterday's high weight was just a blip. Yay!
Also, went to Jazzercise and worked out so hard there were 2 sweat drips on the floor where I was standing. I luv, luv, luv a good hard sweat! There is a song we do in class where we are punching, kicking, and hopping to fast-paced, thumping music. It makes me feel like a friggin' Amazon! Or whatever the 5'2" equivalent to an Amazon is as I am a shorty--for real ya'll!
Also, tasty salads for lunch and dinner today! Plus I am gonna try a new healthy recipe soon.
One sad thing...My fav pair of designer jeans (ok, the only pair I have owned--ever!and only because I found them at a re-diculously low price) have to be put down as they have a hole that can't be fixed. They are wearing out on the inside seam of the thigh as my super-massive, manga-super girl, huge, speed skater thighs rub and have worn them the fuck out. BAAHHHH!!! I hate you thighs! And I know you will always be with me as even when I was an anorexic high-school freshman who weighed 105lbs and was a size 3, my thighs were still huge in relation to the rest of me. Basically, no matter what size I am, my thighs measure about 5 inches smaller than my waist. Try finding pants to fit that. As I told the lady fitting my wedding dress, my waist is a size 8, hips are a 10, and thighs are a 12. If I ever come across a spare $20,000 I am having thigh lipo and skin removal.
Sorry for the rant, it's been a good day besides the jeans issue. If anyone has any ideas on finding jeans for "super-thighs" please let me know.
Also, went to Jazzercise and worked out so hard there were 2 sweat drips on the floor where I was standing. I luv, luv, luv a good hard sweat! There is a song we do in class where we are punching, kicking, and hopping to fast-paced, thumping music. It makes me feel like a friggin' Amazon! Or whatever the 5'2" equivalent to an Amazon is as I am a shorty--for real ya'll!
Also, tasty salads for lunch and dinner today! Plus I am gonna try a new healthy recipe soon.
One sad thing...My fav pair of designer jeans (ok, the only pair I have owned--ever!and only because I found them at a re-diculously low price) have to be put down as they have a hole that can't be fixed. They are wearing out on the inside seam of the thigh as my super-massive, manga-super girl, huge, speed skater thighs rub and have worn them the fuck out. BAAHHHH!!! I hate you thighs! And I know you will always be with me as even when I was an anorexic high-school freshman who weighed 105lbs and was a size 3, my thighs were still huge in relation to the rest of me. Basically, no matter what size I am, my thighs measure about 5 inches smaller than my waist. Try finding pants to fit that. As I told the lady fitting my wedding dress, my waist is a size 8, hips are a 10, and thighs are a 12. If I ever come across a spare $20,000 I am having thigh lipo and skin removal.
Sorry for the rant, it's been a good day besides the jeans issue. If anyone has any ideas on finding jeans for "super-thighs" please let me know.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Reporting in
I weighed in at 151 yesterday and was happy, happy. Then today weighed in at 155 and am certainly not happy. I kept my calories to 1341 and this is how you reward me, scale? You suck.
Today it's off to the store to buy lots of veggies for salads. I have fish to make for dinner. I'm really, really trying...
Today it's off to the store to buy lots of veggies for salads. I have fish to make for dinner. I'm really, really trying...
Friday, April 9, 2010
update
So far this week I am proud to say I have had five days low carb and attended 2 exercise classes. (Normally 2 classes is freakin' pitiful for me, but I'm still recovering from "the illness." Fuckin' cough just won't go away.)
Tomorrow is official weigh/measure day and calorie counting begins. I can't decide if I should use 1200 or 1400 cals as my daily target. Jillian Michaels says my count should be 14644. Not that I have actually asked her, but doing the basal metabolic calculation she recommends that's what my numbers come out to. But, there are millions of WW folks who use points which--by the end when you are close to goal--work out to being roughly 1200 a day. (I watched a podcast in which a WW blogger explained some of the secret points formula.)
Anyway, I was more fired up about this earlier in the week. Had yet another dream ripped away last night and was up till 4am. My FB post for today was "Hope may float, but it also has acquired the habit of leaving me disappointed each time I let it in."
More tomorrow...
Tomorrow is official weigh/measure day and calorie counting begins. I can't decide if I should use 1200 or 1400 cals as my daily target. Jillian Michaels says my count should be 14644. Not that I have actually asked her, but doing the basal metabolic calculation she recommends that's what my numbers come out to. But, there are millions of WW folks who use points which--by the end when you are close to goal--work out to being roughly 1200 a day. (I watched a podcast in which a WW blogger explained some of the secret points formula.)
Anyway, I was more fired up about this earlier in the week. Had yet another dream ripped away last night and was up till 4am. My FB post for today was "Hope may float, but it also has acquired the habit of leaving me disappointed each time I let it in."
More tomorrow...
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Back to life, back to reality
I have been slowly easing back into the world of the living. I guess I am getting older, it certainly has taken longer to get rid of this bought of bronchitis than ever before. The whole begeezus has been complicated by the fact that seasonal allergy-stuff is impacting the recovery process. I am still sniffing and coughing intermittently due to the fact that every tree in the world is blooming right now, but the infection is gone.
Also, this week my unemployment runs out, so I have actually gotten off my duff and applied for a few jobs. I am currently working on an app for a job at the State Board of Investigations which has my husband worried. I will have to take a polygraph test and pass a background check. Now, there is nothing in my past that would horrify, but I my record is not totally spotless and my husbands is a bit more checkered than mine. But this job pays a freakin' lot of money and I really think I could be good at it so I'm giving it a shot.
I have cleaned up my eating a lot and am getting ready to launch a full-scale fat-attack. More on that tomorrow after the SBI app is in.
Also, this week my unemployment runs out, so I have actually gotten off my duff and applied for a few jobs. I am currently working on an app for a job at the State Board of Investigations which has my husband worried. I will have to take a polygraph test and pass a background check. Now, there is nothing in my past that would horrify, but I my record is not totally spotless and my husbands is a bit more checkered than mine. But this job pays a freakin' lot of money and I really think I could be good at it so I'm giving it a shot.
I have cleaned up my eating a lot and am getting ready to launch a full-scale fat-attack. More on that tomorrow after the SBI app is in.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Thanks Mom
During a crisis-mode texting session with my Momma this morning, she reminded me that I always seem to lose my shit in the Spring. Which seems to be some weird reverse-seasonal affective disorder but is absolutely true. All my boyfriend-dumping, class-dropping, and big emotional breakdown-ing has been done in Spring. And since I was born in January, I can do the math and figure out that the horribly legendary colic I had as a baby would have been in full force right about now. (Seriously folks, I heard the horror storied from my parent and I am an only child so I'm convinced it was pretty darn bad to be my Momma in the spring of '75.)
And my sweet Momma, being the class act she is, managed to get that point across with out actually saying "Chill out punkin, you always lose your shit in Spring." So, thanks for everything Mom. This ones for you!
And my sweet Momma, being the class act she is, managed to get that point across with out actually saying "Chill out punkin, you always lose your shit in Spring." So, thanks for everything Mom. This ones for you!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Soy un penedor, I'm a loser baby...
My simmering anger has turned to sadness. Sadness because I realized today that I could be doing a lot of things better. I could be actively looking for a job. I could be doing more around the house. I could be a better wife. I could lose weight. I could do a lot of things, but I just can't get myself motivated to any of this stuff at this point.
Man, I feel like such a loser.
I would like to make all sorts of promises about how tomorrow I will put in 20 job apps and work out for hours and drink a gallon of water and eat only salad...but I know myself and to make promises like that would just be a lie. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm really struggling right now to just get through each day. Getting a job and being a good wife and losing weight seem unattainable right now. And not for any other reason than I just can't get myself together enough to do it.
I am the flaw in this equation. I just hope I can find a way to fix it.
Man, I feel like such a loser.
I would like to make all sorts of promises about how tomorrow I will put in 20 job apps and work out for hours and drink a gallon of water and eat only salad...but I know myself and to make promises like that would just be a lie. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm really struggling right now to just get through each day. Getting a job and being a good wife and losing weight seem unattainable right now. And not for any other reason than I just can't get myself together enough to do it.
I am the flaw in this equation. I just hope I can find a way to fix it.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Infectulated, in every zone
(any Squidbillies fans out there? Otherwise the post title will not be nearly as meaningful)
Fuckin' damn! The illness is back. The hacking, disgusting cough has returned with the sleeplessness and I-got-ran-over-by-a-truck feeling. Fugger!! It's back to the Dr. this afternoon.
My husband wants me to find a "real" doctor instead of hitting up the Minor Med folks again. Uh, no thanks. Real doctors want to establish some type of "relationship" with you. They look at your medical history and order tests and want to put you on daily meds and send you to therapy and do all kinds of shit that you don't have the time, money, or desire to do. Real doctors try to get in your business and suggest that you lose weight and get treated for your depression. Again, no thanks.
Basically, doctors have told me that the root of all my issues is my excess weight and if a problem is not directly connected to my weight then it is "in my head" and related to my depression. So, I am making myself sick. It's all my fault. If I was a better person, I would not get sick. I am flawed. Yadda, yadda, yadda. So no, I'm not ready to establish another "relationship" with a so-called authority figure that is just gonna make me feel shittier than before.
Fuckin' damn! The illness is back. The hacking, disgusting cough has returned with the sleeplessness and I-got-ran-over-by-a-truck feeling. Fugger!! It's back to the Dr. this afternoon.
My husband wants me to find a "real" doctor instead of hitting up the Minor Med folks again. Uh, no thanks. Real doctors want to establish some type of "relationship" with you. They look at your medical history and order tests and want to put you on daily meds and send you to therapy and do all kinds of shit that you don't have the time, money, or desire to do. Real doctors try to get in your business and suggest that you lose weight and get treated for your depression. Again, no thanks.
Basically, doctors have told me that the root of all my issues is my excess weight and if a problem is not directly connected to my weight then it is "in my head" and related to my depression. So, I am making myself sick. It's all my fault. If I was a better person, I would not get sick. I am flawed. Yadda, yadda, yadda. So no, I'm not ready to establish another "relationship" with a so-called authority figure that is just gonna make me feel shittier than before.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Bringin' the pain
Not much time to post right now, but I just want to throw it out that tomorrow, come hell or high water or free dessert on my doorstep, I'm gonna get SERIOUS about losing this weight. Hold me to it!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tattoo girl
As I read the inter-gossip regarding Sandy and Jesse and the tattooed home wrecker, I keep thinking that I want the kind of body tattoos look hot on. Oh, to be firm and smooth and decorated with beautiful jewel tones.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Time, oh time
Really, where DOES the f**in' time go? I have so many things I should and could be doing since I am unemployed, yet do I get anything done past the bare minimum?? That would be a big fat no...
Stressin', stressin', stressin'. I need a system, or a plan, or a deadline, or something to make me get my poop in a group. I used to be someone who worked 3 jobs and graduated college suma cum laude and really had her shit together. (Of course I was stressed out to the max and didn't have many friends and hardly ever got laid.) Now I have no real job (the tutoring gig is only 10 hours a week), can get laid as much as I want (believe me, husband is always up for a tumble) and do stuff with friends several times a week. Perhaps it's a trade-off?
This post is going in too many directions today. I'm gonna cut this off and go do SOMETHING so I at least get 1 thing off my to-do list.
Stressin', stressin', stressin'. I need a system, or a plan, or a deadline, or something to make me get my poop in a group. I used to be someone who worked 3 jobs and graduated college suma cum laude and really had her shit together. (Of course I was stressed out to the max and didn't have many friends and hardly ever got laid.) Now I have no real job (the tutoring gig is only 10 hours a week), can get laid as much as I want (believe me, husband is always up for a tumble) and do stuff with friends several times a week. Perhaps it's a trade-off?
This post is going in too many directions today. I'm gonna cut this off and go do SOMETHING so I at least get 1 thing off my to-do list.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
3 great things I learned today
1. They don't weigh you at the urgent care place! How awesome is that? Pretty damn awesome I say! I know better than an medical professional how fat I am due to obsessive daily weighings and visual assessment of fat rolls. Thanks for recognizing the benefits of not telling me that I need to lose 20 lbs while I am already feeling shitty. If this is a marketing ploy, whoever came up with it is certainly due a bonus in my book. They will be my first line of medical care from now on, based solely on this fact. AND, they gave me a Rx for codeine cough syrup! I can't wait to cuddle up with that tonight!!
2. I cooked Brussels sprouts today and found them to not suck. I don't know what the big deal is about. They tasted kinda like broccoli only stronger. I'm not saying they will become a daily staple, but I will buy them again.
3. Due to Kitty's stellar advice, I now have a way of knowing when I have achieved blog greatness--When I piss off enough folks that I am slapped with internet sanctions and a content warning. I have something to work towards now. Time to buy a chandelier so I can have crazy swinging sex and share, share, share.
2. I cooked Brussels sprouts today and found them to not suck. I don't know what the big deal is about. They tasted kinda like broccoli only stronger. I'm not saying they will become a daily staple, but I will buy them again.
3. Due to Kitty's stellar advice, I now have a way of knowing when I have achieved blog greatness--When I piss off enough folks that I am slapped with internet sanctions and a content warning. I have something to work towards now. Time to buy a chandelier so I can have crazy swinging sex and share, share, share.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Questions and ramblings
First off, should I add one of those content warning things since I swear so much? I guess I should, but I consider myself kinda tame to need a content warning. Perhaps if I add one I will become a sexy rock star or something interesting. Fake it 'til ya make it and all that.
Second, I am still sick (this shit-crap started LAST Friday) so I seriously think it is time to throw in the towel and seek medical help. Of course, the situation is complicated by the fact I don't have a doctor to go to. I didn't have insurance for 14 month due to the job loss and for years before that had insurance that changed every fucking year so I just quit trying to keep up with who and what is covered and all that. Yes, I have a pretty low opinion of the current state of medical affairs in the country, but that is shit I'm not getting into here and now. All I want is a quick trip to the urgent care and some drugs. I really just want to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. Oh, and not to be coughing like a TB patient. I'm hoping I can obtain those things tomorrow and not get sent into a rage over co-payments and other such bullshit.
Third, I could yammer on about the insane amount of $$ I have put on my credit cards ordering designer jeans that I know will be too small and have no intention of keeping, but frankly the lack of sleep is wearing me down and all I wanna do is go play Peggle. Yes folks, I am that lame. Ciao.
Second, I am still sick (this shit-crap started LAST Friday) so I seriously think it is time to throw in the towel and seek medical help. Of course, the situation is complicated by the fact I don't have a doctor to go to. I didn't have insurance for 14 month due to the job loss and for years before that had insurance that changed every fucking year so I just quit trying to keep up with who and what is covered and all that. Yes, I have a pretty low opinion of the current state of medical affairs in the country, but that is shit I'm not getting into here and now. All I want is a quick trip to the urgent care and some drugs. I really just want to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. Oh, and not to be coughing like a TB patient. I'm hoping I can obtain those things tomorrow and not get sent into a rage over co-payments and other such bullshit.
Third, I could yammer on about the insane amount of $$ I have put on my credit cards ordering designer jeans that I know will be too small and have no intention of keeping, but frankly the lack of sleep is wearing me down and all I wanna do is go play Peggle. Yes folks, I am that lame. Ciao.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
??
So, yesterday my husband tries to have a "talk" with me about my eating. Seems that my eating all the ice cream and chips has his skinny ass all bent and suddenly he's feeling the need to lecture me on portions and moderation and all that. W.T.F?!?! Like he knows jack-shit about nutrition. Like he doesn't sit down with a big bowl of ice cream every god-damned night his own self. Like he makes a comment about my stomach (which yes, is getting a little flabby) but says he "Doesn't want to make me mad." Excuse me?
Pissed me the fuck off, that's what he did.
So, to vent my anger I am no longer eating carbs of any sort and heading out for 2x daily workouts. And when, in 4 days, he starts whining "I never seeeee youuuuuuuu" I'm gonna flip him the bird.
And, the jerk told me a few minutes after getting up that he wants to bake cookies today. Huh? He calls me fat yesterday and then wants to fill my house with the aroma of baking cookies today? That is just fucking MEAN! But then, he is such a nutritional EXPERT....
Pissed me the fuck off, that's what he did.
So, to vent my anger I am no longer eating carbs of any sort and heading out for 2x daily workouts. And when, in 4 days, he starts whining "I never seeeee youuuuuuuu" I'm gonna flip him the bird.
And, the jerk told me a few minutes after getting up that he wants to bake cookies today. Huh? He calls me fat yesterday and then wants to fill my house with the aroma of baking cookies today? That is just fucking MEAN! But then, he is such a nutritional EXPERT....
Thursday, March 18, 2010
It's a beautiful day......
...cue Bono belting it out while wearing those glasses with colored lenses...
No really, it is beautiful here in T-town today. Sunshine and 60 degrees. Time for sunglasses and jackets, baby. I'm fighting the urge to take my wool coat to the cleaners since it is supposed to snow in 2 days. (Yeah, bummer.) I was riding around in the car with the sunroof open this afternoon. Hallelujah!
Took the dog on a nice long walk mid-morning. It was so great. I think that is one of the things I dread most about becoming employed full time, missing the 9 or 10 am perambles with the doggit. I guess I could look for an afternoon/evening gig. Not sure how that will work out with cutting into the hanging-out-with-the-husband-time, but I guess we will just see (1) if I get a job (2) what the hours are, and (3) if we are sick of each other by then.
I'm feeling better today. My cold is finally lessening and I am returning to the land of the living. I actually did some dishes and laundry. And I finally received payment for my first 3 weeks of tutoring. Yay for $$$!! (Can I go shopping now?)
I've relaxed quite a bit on the eating, but I'm not feeling too stressed about it at the moment. The cold has left me with less appetite than normal. (Of course, my normal state is constantly ravenous.) My weight has dropped a bit, and I plan to get back to exercise class tomorrow. (Gotta try out the new shoes that came last week.)
I'm thinking that I will give myself next week to get back in the exercise routine and then the first week of April I'll kick it in the pants with the diet.
Sorry for the boring, rambling nature of this post. Between the cold meds (pseudoephedreine, I heart you so much right now) and the nice day I'm feeling quite mellow. Don't worry, the angst will be back in a day or two like the alley cat that always craps in your convertible when you leave the top down.
No really, it is beautiful here in T-town today. Sunshine and 60 degrees. Time for sunglasses and jackets, baby. I'm fighting the urge to take my wool coat to the cleaners since it is supposed to snow in 2 days. (Yeah, bummer.) I was riding around in the car with the sunroof open this afternoon. Hallelujah!
Took the dog on a nice long walk mid-morning. It was so great. I think that is one of the things I dread most about becoming employed full time, missing the 9 or 10 am perambles with the doggit. I guess I could look for an afternoon/evening gig. Not sure how that will work out with cutting into the hanging-out-with-the-husband-time, but I guess we will just see (1) if I get a job (2) what the hours are, and (3) if we are sick of each other by then.
I'm feeling better today. My cold is finally lessening and I am returning to the land of the living. I actually did some dishes and laundry. And I finally received payment for my first 3 weeks of tutoring. Yay for $$$!! (Can I go shopping now?)
I've relaxed quite a bit on the eating, but I'm not feeling too stressed about it at the moment. The cold has left me with less appetite than normal. (Of course, my normal state is constantly ravenous.) My weight has dropped a bit, and I plan to get back to exercise class tomorrow. (Gotta try out the new shoes that came last week.)
I'm thinking that I will give myself next week to get back in the exercise routine and then the first week of April I'll kick it in the pants with the diet.
Sorry for the boring, rambling nature of this post. Between the cold meds (pseudoephedreine, I heart you so much right now) and the nice day I'm feeling quite mellow. Don't worry, the angst will be back in a day or two like the alley cat that always craps in your convertible when you leave the top down.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The "Fuck it" rant
Today, and for some time now, I have just felt like saying "Fuck it. I'm gonna give up the struggle and just be fat." It's not like I have any real reason to be skinny except for vanity. Heck, I met (and was screwing) my husband when I weighed over 200lbs. The wedding is over, I can't afford to buy new clothes, I'm not gonna be on any reality TV shows, and there is really no motivation for me not to throw in the towel.
I'm just sick of feeling like a shitty failure. I'm so MAD at myself for gaining back the 15lbs I lost before the wedding. But, at the same time I would rather do just about anything besides exercise and I just wanna eat what I want and not give a fuck!!!!!!!!!!
.......(ok, I know I won't really give up. But I'm just so frustrated with the struggle and, well, me. I just want to be who I want to be, but it is so friggin HARD to get there. And I'm sucking at it right now)............
I'm just sick of feeling like a shitty failure. I'm so MAD at myself for gaining back the 15lbs I lost before the wedding. But, at the same time I would rather do just about anything besides exercise and I just wanna eat what I want and not give a fuck!!!!!!!!!!
.......(ok, I know I won't really give up. But I'm just so frustrated with the struggle and, well, me. I just want to be who I want to be, but it is so friggin HARD to get there. And I'm sucking at it right now)............
Sunday, March 14, 2010
still sick, still on low carb
That's really all I have to report. Sniffing and coughing and I feel like a truck ran over me (not that I have actually been run over, but you get the idea.) Just going downstairs to get a drink is enough to make me need a nap.
I am feeling proud of myself, though. Always before when I got sick, I ended up throwing the low carb thing out the window. This time I am choosing to embrace the illness as a time to cleans and justifiably not eat. (Not that my husband cares if I am eating or not, but that is a subject for another day when my brain is firing on all cylinders and my wrists are not screaming as I type.)
We are hosting game night tomorrow evening and I had planned to spend the weekend cleaning like a banshee. Well, fuck that. To sick, to tired. These are my friends and they have all seen the place looking worse than it does right now so I say screw it. I'm gonna take a nap.
(And you can bet your asses that I will be "too sick to eat" tomorrow night, whether I am recovered or not. I plan to be too sick to eat for as long as I can milk it.)
I am feeling proud of myself, though. Always before when I got sick, I ended up throwing the low carb thing out the window. This time I am choosing to embrace the illness as a time to cleans and justifiably not eat. (Not that my husband cares if I am eating or not, but that is a subject for another day when my brain is firing on all cylinders and my wrists are not screaming as I type.)
We are hosting game night tomorrow evening and I had planned to spend the weekend cleaning like a banshee. Well, fuck that. To sick, to tired. These are my friends and they have all seen the place looking worse than it does right now so I say screw it. I'm gonna take a nap.
(And you can bet your asses that I will be "too sick to eat" tomorrow night, whether I am recovered or not. I plan to be too sick to eat for as long as I can milk it.)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
blah
So, I jump full-force onto the low carb bandwagon and wake up the next day with a horrific cold. Shee-it. But I'm hanging tough. Just broth and tea for me today. (And a few pork rinds and half an avocado. Girl's gotta have nourishment.)
My shipment of shoes arrived, so the 2x a day workouts can now begin. Yeah...gonna get right on that. As soon as the roving body aches go away and I can walk down stairs without crying.
And I'm out of my fav caffeine source, diet soda. The hubs was supposed to go get some, but instead decided to do some friggin' home-improvement project. Geez, he has only been putting it off for around 10 years, why pick NOW when I want something to get busy? Thanks for the support.
My shipment of shoes arrived, so the 2x a day workouts can now begin. Yeah...gonna get right on that. As soon as the roving body aches go away and I can walk down stairs without crying.
And I'm out of my fav caffeine source, diet soda. The hubs was supposed to go get some, but instead decided to do some friggin' home-improvement project. Geez, he has only been putting it off for around 10 years, why pick NOW when I want something to get busy? Thanks for the support.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The hunger
I am just so f**king HUNGRY!! All. The. Damn. Time.
I would like to believe this insatiability is due to the fact I am gestating an alien, but unless the alien is located in my thighs, I'm screwed.
Any help/tips/advice??
I would like to believe this insatiability is due to the fact I am gestating an alien, but unless the alien is located in my thighs, I'm screwed.
Any help/tips/advice??
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Sewing
I sewed something today. (OK I stitched some things together. No cutting or using the machine.) My fingers are sore and I am tired but I actually completed a task that makes me feel good and like I accomplished something. Go me!
And some other stuff happened, but I gotta get to bed. So, so....tired....
And some other stuff happened, but I gotta get to bed. So, so....tired....
Friday, March 5, 2010
WTF?
The washing machine straight up ate one of my shirts today. It has holes in the front and there is no way it can now be worn for anything except yard work or painting. And, it was one of the few office-appropriate clothes I have left. Perhaps the universe is telling me to scrap the job hunt and get out there and work on my house or yard? I like it, but umm, Universe, can you please explain that to my husband?? Thanks.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Work and shit
So, first off. How can working only 10 hours a week suck up all my time? I feel nearly as frazzled and behind as when I was workin 40 hours a week. I am seriously out of shape in regards to this work-for-pay thing. I am pondering finding a full-time gig since, if I'm gonna be behind and stressed and have no time to do what I want, I might as well be making more than $100 a week doing it.
Second, the fuckin' trash company that hosed up my car is now jerkin me around. I gotta go get some paper f--in NOTARISED and send it back and THEN they will mail me a check and my car is going onto the shop on MONDAY and it took them FOREVER to get me the f--in paper so how the F--- long will it take to get the stupid check?!?!? PLUS, I still have not gotten confirmation on the rental car. These people SUCK. I'm glad they are not my trash company or I would have to drop them. F---ers!!
Oh, and the diet? That would be a total fail right now. Crap.
Second, the fuckin' trash company that hosed up my car is now jerkin me around. I gotta go get some paper f--in NOTARISED and send it back and THEN they will mail me a check and my car is going onto the shop on MONDAY and it took them FOREVER to get me the f--in paper so how the F--- long will it take to get the stupid check?!?!? PLUS, I still have not gotten confirmation on the rental car. These people SUCK. I'm glad they are not my trash company or I would have to drop them. F---ers!!
Oh, and the diet? That would be a total fail right now. Crap.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Feelin' the luv
First off, a big shout out to K at Skinny (sorry, I don't know how to add links and I'm too lazy right now to figure it out) for the endorsement. I love her blog, too. Smoochy, smooch, sending internet luv your way K!
Ok, on with the show. I finally went grocery shopping today and bought food. I had been holding out for a few weeks to get the fridge and pantry cleaned out. We now have no rice, pasta, or potatoes in the house and I plan to keep it that way as long as possible. I got salad stuff and other low-carb staples, plus a bunch of crap food (chocolate bars, chips, etc.) for my hubby. Oh, and I did buy a mini-cake 'cuz today is our 2-month anniversary, and it was on sale. A girl needs a last hurrah, right?
So, starting tomorrow, I'm really gonna get my act together. It has been 2 months since the wedding and I have gained about 12lbs and am barely squeezing into my jeans. Starting tommorow its low-carb for as long as I can do it, then carb rotation (2 low-carb days and 1 high day) until I "find half" and reach my goal. I'm also gonna get back to the 2x daily workouts and water drinking. I need some new workout shoes really badly, so I can't do the 2-a-days until I get that issue taken care of. (You only have 2 knees, and life's a bitch if you blow them out.)
Since I'm feeling nostalgic, I'm gonna post some pics of me from the wedding. Please be kind. I was 138 in these pics and my goal weight at the time was 135. Now, after evaluating how I looked, I have decided on a new goal weight of 119.
I gotta go walk the dog and wash dishes as hubby invited people over later. I would like to just sit on the couch and blog all night, but I gotta be social.
Ok, on with the show. I finally went grocery shopping today and bought food. I had been holding out for a few weeks to get the fridge and pantry cleaned out. We now have no rice, pasta, or potatoes in the house and I plan to keep it that way as long as possible. I got salad stuff and other low-carb staples, plus a bunch of crap food (chocolate bars, chips, etc.) for my hubby. Oh, and I did buy a mini-cake 'cuz today is our 2-month anniversary, and it was on sale. A girl needs a last hurrah, right?
So, starting tomorrow, I'm really gonna get my act together. It has been 2 months since the wedding and I have gained about 12lbs and am barely squeezing into my jeans. Starting tommorow its low-carb for as long as I can do it, then carb rotation (2 low-carb days and 1 high day) until I "find half" and reach my goal. I'm also gonna get back to the 2x daily workouts and water drinking. I need some new workout shoes really badly, so I can't do the 2-a-days until I get that issue taken care of. (You only have 2 knees, and life's a bitch if you blow them out.)
Since I'm feeling nostalgic, I'm gonna post some pics of me from the wedding. Please be kind. I was 138 in these pics and my goal weight at the time was 135. Now, after evaluating how I looked, I have decided on a new goal weight of 119.
I gotta go walk the dog and wash dishes as hubby invited people over later. I would like to just sit on the couch and blog all night, but I gotta be social.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Ahh, the power of pussy
Who knew that if you give your husband sex twice in one night, he happily cleans out the closet the next day? I gotta remember this!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Baby step
Well, I got a teeny-tiny little part-time job today and my husband, mom, and friends are so excited you would think I won the lottery. For 2 hours, 4 afternoons a week I will be reading textbooks to a developmentally disabled man who is taking college classes. We met for the first time today, read a chapter, and he hired me. He seems very polite and intelligent and it was relaxing to be around him. His house is very clean and has nice furniture. He has aids who stay with him at all times. He is obviously very highly-functioning, but can't live alone. Sorta like me right now (haha)
The money is not great, and I'm a little worried how it will affect my unemployment, but it is nice to have a purpose to the day and a reason to get in the shower and get dressed and go out. I have become borderline agoraphobic lately. Or whatever it is when you would rather hide in the house and be miserable than go out and do just about anything. Even shopping has lost its fun... although there are big monetary factors related to that.
Obviously, I have to either keep looking for another job or start making money from some of the other side projects I have going on. There is no way I can live on this salary, but like the title says, it's a baby step.
The money is not great, and I'm a little worried how it will affect my unemployment, but it is nice to have a purpose to the day and a reason to get in the shower and get dressed and go out. I have become borderline agoraphobic lately. Or whatever it is when you would rather hide in the house and be miserable than go out and do just about anything. Even shopping has lost its fun... although there are big monetary factors related to that.
Obviously, I have to either keep looking for another job or start making money from some of the other side projects I have going on. There is no way I can live on this salary, but like the title says, it's a baby step.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Recovery is for skinny girls
Several months ago, I started looking around the 'net and reading ED recovery blogs. As someone who has danced the dance on and off for over 20 years, I thought I could perhaps find insight into my own situation. And there are many lovely people out there doing great things and getting their shit together and I am happy to have been given insight into their lives. But...
...Today it all just makes me sad. Why? you say. Well, for this reason that uncovers what a petty and jealous person I am. I don't even want to say it out loud, but I shall, because what's the point if I'm not keepin it real?I am discouraged with the recovery blogs I am reading because, well, Those girls are still skinny! They get to recover and still be thin. Does anyone ever actually get a high BMI in recovery? Do they just not talk about it? Do you have to quit your recovery blog if you actually end up chunky?
I just feel so BAD about myself today. I am not thin, not recovered, and obviously not even good at having ED.
...Today it all just makes me sad. Why? you say. Well, for this reason that uncovers what a petty and jealous person I am. I don't even want to say it out loud, but I shall, because what's the point if I'm not keepin it real?I am discouraged with the recovery blogs I am reading because, well, Those girls are still skinny! They get to recover and still be thin. Does anyone ever actually get a high BMI in recovery? Do they just not talk about it? Do you have to quit your recovery blog if you actually end up chunky?
I just feel so BAD about myself today. I am not thin, not recovered, and obviously not even good at having ED.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thinking about fruit
It snowed like a bitch yesterday, so I have zero motivation to dig out my car and go buy anything, which is helpful to my "week of no spending" goal. Of course, I also have ZERO motivation to go to exercise class.
I just weighed myself and discovered I have gained 14lbs since the wedding. Holy fuck! That's 33lbs from my weight goal. Gawd...I just want to sit in the corner and cry...
My plan for this week is to eat up what is in the house, then restock with fresh, healthy foods. As a low carb follower, I have staunchly avoided fruit cuz fruit=sugar. But my in laws sent me an orange about a month ago and I have been jonesin for more fruit since eating it. Since I am switching to calorie-counting, perhaps I can get away with one piece of fruit a day. I don't know... it's a big shift, but I feel like I need to mix things up as I am getting so bored with what I am eating. And that is leading to eating out and eating crappy foods at home.
I just wish I wasn't so depressed. I just wish I was motivated enough to care, to do, to try. I just wish....wish...wish...
I just weighed myself and discovered I have gained 14lbs since the wedding. Holy fuck! That's 33lbs from my weight goal. Gawd...I just want to sit in the corner and cry...
My plan for this week is to eat up what is in the house, then restock with fresh, healthy foods. As a low carb follower, I have staunchly avoided fruit cuz fruit=sugar. But my in laws sent me an orange about a month ago and I have been jonesin for more fruit since eating it. Since I am switching to calorie-counting, perhaps I can get away with one piece of fruit a day. I don't know... it's a big shift, but I feel like I need to mix things up as I am getting so bored with what I am eating. And that is leading to eating out and eating crappy foods at home.
I just wish I wasn't so depressed. I just wish I was motivated enough to care, to do, to try. I just wish....wish...wish...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Rejected
Well, I didn't get the job I interviewed for. I feel like such a loser. I knew I didn't have much self confidence, but this has sent what little I had into the shitter.
As punishment for being such a loser, I plan to spend NO money this coming week. I have a full tank of gas and soup and protein shakes and tampons, so I feel I can put the credit cards away and let it ride for the next week. It won't be easy, but at least I will have something to focus on besides the fact I SUCK at life. And it will help the budget.
As punishment for being such a loser, I plan to spend NO money this coming week. I have a full tank of gas and soup and protein shakes and tampons, so I feel I can put the credit cards away and let it ride for the next week. It won't be easy, but at least I will have something to focus on besides the fact I SUCK at life. And it will help the budget.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Fat Tuesday at the mall
Ok, I really do not feel it is my place to talk badly about fat people, as I used to be one (and technically still am according to my BMI) and I come from a family of predominantly fat people who I love fiercely and deeply with all my heart. But after what I saw today I just gotta let it out...
I had an errand to run that involved going to the mall. I was there around 12:30. I do not think I have never in my life been to the mall at 12:30 on a Tuesday and honestly, after today, don't think I will ever go at that time again.
The mall was freaking filled with fat people. Obese people. Rotund people. However you wanna say it, they were out in force. I can honestly say that less than 20% of the people I saw out today were normal weight individuals. There were old people, middle aged, young, black, white, hispanic, and they were all fat! Many of them appeared to be limping or having difficulty walking, shuffling along in groups that spanned the entire walkway. Honestly folks, it was like the entire mall was fat! There were fat ladies pushing their fat toddlers in strollers to the food court, feeding them soda and french fries. (I know this for a fact as they sat right next to me as I attempted to enjoy my Fat Tuesday treat of a hot pretzel with cheese. It kinda takes the fun out of a mini-binge when a 90 pound first grader is throwing a fit 6 feet away from you cuz he finished his 22oz coke and his mom doesn't want to buy him another. Guess what, she caved after abount 1 minute of his whining.)
I left in a state of shock and awe at the dismal state of health and fitness (and parenting) in my Midwestern city and am still disgusted by what I saw today. On the up side, the ordeal has been a great appetite suppressant.
I had an errand to run that involved going to the mall. I was there around 12:30. I do not think I have never in my life been to the mall at 12:30 on a Tuesday and honestly, after today, don't think I will ever go at that time again.
The mall was freaking filled with fat people. Obese people. Rotund people. However you wanna say it, they were out in force. I can honestly say that less than 20% of the people I saw out today were normal weight individuals. There were old people, middle aged, young, black, white, hispanic, and they were all fat! Many of them appeared to be limping or having difficulty walking, shuffling along in groups that spanned the entire walkway. Honestly folks, it was like the entire mall was fat! There were fat ladies pushing their fat toddlers in strollers to the food court, feeding them soda and french fries. (I know this for a fact as they sat right next to me as I attempted to enjoy my Fat Tuesday treat of a hot pretzel with cheese. It kinda takes the fun out of a mini-binge when a 90 pound first grader is throwing a fit 6 feet away from you cuz he finished his 22oz coke and his mom doesn't want to buy him another. Guess what, she caved after abount 1 minute of his whining.)
I left in a state of shock and awe at the dismal state of health and fitness (and parenting) in my Midwestern city and am still disgusted by what I saw today. On the up side, the ordeal has been a great appetite suppressant.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Rant
Look, husband. I know you apologized, but I just have to say I resent being made to feel like a loser because I want to live in a clean, clutter free house. You have too much shit and you know it so stop being such as ASS when I try to clean this dump up. You totally took the wind out of my sails with the laundry room today and from now on I'm just gonna put your shit in boxes and put it in the basement! F.U.!!!
Trying
So far today I have missed morning exercise class :(
but I made a healthy 228 cal. breakfast :)
And I have had no diet Dr. Pepper since Friday and no soda at all since yesterday morning :) This may not seem like a big deal, but am a total diet soda addict. So this is huge for me.
Now I'm off to organize my laundry room which is also the storage room and is full of crap.
but I made a healthy 228 cal. breakfast :)
And I have had no diet Dr. Pepper since Friday and no soda at all since yesterday morning :) This may not seem like a big deal, but am a total diet soda addict. So this is huge for me.
Now I'm off to organize my laundry room which is also the storage room and is full of crap.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Running the numbers
***Disclaimer time--discussion of weight and BMI to follow***
Well, my mood has improved and the bingeing is lessening (funny how those go hand-in-hand) so snaps up for that. I have finally accomplished some shit that I had let slide for way to long. Certainly there is more to do, but at least I made a dent in the mountain.
My weight and exercise and healthy eating have not improved much at all. After those damn cookies threw me off I have been finding it hard to go back to the low-carb thing. I know it works, I know it is the best way for ME to lose and still feel satisfied, but I just don't have the desire to commit in the way you have to for it to work. It's all chemistry. A delicate balance that can be thrown off by a single sugary bite.
Starting tomorrow (after Valentine's waffles for breakfast) I'm gonna try old-fashioned calorie restriction. I'm hoping the spirit of Ana will come upon me and I'll rekindle my long-lost love of fasting.
History time: I was a chunky kid who slimmed down the summer between fifth and sixth grades when I read a book about an anorexic girl. (So cliche, classic cautionary tale leads girl to destruction...) Between my growth-spurt, avoiding food at all costs, and compulsive exercise I was a pretty successful starver with some once or twice a week purging episodes thrown in to take care of family dinners and such until my junior year of high-school. By then the starving shit had gotten old, I was working in a restaurant where I got free meals, and I had quit most of the organized sports cuz I wasn't that good. My weight crept up during my senior year and I was once again chunky as I accepted my diploma.
In college I quite purging but kept on bingeing as that is how I deal with stress. And boy, did I have stress. Paying my own way, working 2 and 3 jobs and graduating suma cum laude, and oh yeah fat girl why don't you try and have a social life too??? I graduated college obese. Seriously. My highest known weight (cuz I didn't weigh myself at all that I can remember during college) was 238. And I'm 5'2". So, that put my BMI at 43.5. (Wow, I was quite the lil' heifer... I had never figured the actual numbers until now.)
I graduated college with a full-time job lined up, so I made losing weight my priority. I exercised, ate reasonably healthy, and managed to lose at a slow but steady rate of 1-2lbs a month (yeah, a friggin month!!) for a few years and was down to around 175 when I really got stuck. It was close to my 10-year high-school reunion when I tried low-carb for the first time and got down to 161. Blew it after the reunion and gained it back, but managed to work my way down to around 146 for my trip to Hawaii a few years later. Then back up to 155-160 until I got engaged last year and decided to shot for the moon and get down to 135. See, 136 is the top weight for "normal" BMI for someone of my diminutives stature.
I didn't quite make it, sorry to say. But I got damn close at 138. I felt like I was the queen of the world, living the dream, hot and sexy and THIN!!! And then I saw some unflattering pics from the wedding. Fuck all. I ain't hot. I ain't thin. I have saggy skin and jiggly fat and I still look thick in the middle and have huge thighs!!!
So I have been stuffing my face and avoiding exercise and just generally punishing myself from the inside out for being so deluded for the past six weeks. I mean, what was I thinking?!?!? People who are 4 to 6 inches taller than me have 135 as a goal weight. To look thin you have to actually be thin unless you can somehow photoshop your image before it hits the retinas of anyone around you. I'm pretty sure my weight is back up to 150, if not higher, but I'm totally not stepping on the scale for a L-O-N-G time.
So, after much self-flagellation I have set a new goal weight. 119 pounds/BMI 21.8 or exactly HALF of what I used to be. And thus the name of this blog. (OK, if you run the numbers half of 43.5 is 21.75, but I'm rounding up a touch to make it work out nice and pretty.) That is right in the middle of the healthy range for my height, so when my fat relatives start moaning about my "unnatural thinness" I can justifiably tell them to stuff it. Please excuse me if my success blows your "we have fat genes" argument out of the water.
There is absolutely no reason I can't "find half" and be who I want. I just have to find the courage and strength to do it. I need to just Stop. Fucking. Eating!! and Get. My. Ass. Off. The. Couch!!!
Watch me world...I'll get there and I will ROCK!!!
Well, my mood has improved and the bingeing is lessening (funny how those go hand-in-hand) so snaps up for that. I have finally accomplished some shit that I had let slide for way to long. Certainly there is more to do, but at least I made a dent in the mountain.
My weight and exercise and healthy eating have not improved much at all. After those damn cookies threw me off I have been finding it hard to go back to the low-carb thing. I know it works, I know it is the best way for ME to lose and still feel satisfied, but I just don't have the desire to commit in the way you have to for it to work. It's all chemistry. A delicate balance that can be thrown off by a single sugary bite.
Starting tomorrow (after Valentine's waffles for breakfast) I'm gonna try old-fashioned calorie restriction. I'm hoping the spirit of Ana will come upon me and I'll rekindle my long-lost love of fasting.
History time: I was a chunky kid who slimmed down the summer between fifth and sixth grades when I read a book about an anorexic girl. (So cliche, classic cautionary tale leads girl to destruction...) Between my growth-spurt, avoiding food at all costs, and compulsive exercise I was a pretty successful starver with some once or twice a week purging episodes thrown in to take care of family dinners and such until my junior year of high-school. By then the starving shit had gotten old, I was working in a restaurant where I got free meals, and I had quit most of the organized sports cuz I wasn't that good. My weight crept up during my senior year and I was once again chunky as I accepted my diploma.
In college I quite purging but kept on bingeing as that is how I deal with stress. And boy, did I have stress. Paying my own way, working 2 and 3 jobs and graduating suma cum laude, and oh yeah fat girl why don't you try and have a social life too??? I graduated college obese. Seriously. My highest known weight (cuz I didn't weigh myself at all that I can remember during college) was 238. And I'm 5'2". So, that put my BMI at 43.5. (Wow, I was quite the lil' heifer... I had never figured the actual numbers until now.)
I graduated college with a full-time job lined up, so I made losing weight my priority. I exercised, ate reasonably healthy, and managed to lose at a slow but steady rate of 1-2lbs a month (yeah, a friggin month!!) for a few years and was down to around 175 when I really got stuck. It was close to my 10-year high-school reunion when I tried low-carb for the first time and got down to 161. Blew it after the reunion and gained it back, but managed to work my way down to around 146 for my trip to Hawaii a few years later. Then back up to 155-160 until I got engaged last year and decided to shot for the moon and get down to 135. See, 136 is the top weight for "normal" BMI for someone of my diminutives stature.
I didn't quite make it, sorry to say. But I got damn close at 138. I felt like I was the queen of the world, living the dream, hot and sexy and THIN!!! And then I saw some unflattering pics from the wedding. Fuck all. I ain't hot. I ain't thin. I have saggy skin and jiggly fat and I still look thick in the middle and have huge thighs!!!
So I have been stuffing my face and avoiding exercise and just generally punishing myself from the inside out for being so deluded for the past six weeks. I mean, what was I thinking?!?!? People who are 4 to 6 inches taller than me have 135 as a goal weight. To look thin you have to actually be thin unless you can somehow photoshop your image before it hits the retinas of anyone around you. I'm pretty sure my weight is back up to 150, if not higher, but I'm totally not stepping on the scale for a L-O-N-G time.
So, after much self-flagellation I have set a new goal weight. 119 pounds/BMI 21.8 or exactly HALF of what I used to be. And thus the name of this blog. (OK, if you run the numbers half of 43.5 is 21.75, but I'm rounding up a touch to make it work out nice and pretty.) That is right in the middle of the healthy range for my height, so when my fat relatives start moaning about my "unnatural thinness" I can justifiably tell them to stuff it. Please excuse me if my success blows your "we have fat genes" argument out of the water.
There is absolutely no reason I can't "find half" and be who I want. I just have to find the courage and strength to do it. I need to just Stop. Fucking. Eating!! and Get. My. Ass. Off. The. Couch!!!
Watch me world...I'll get there and I will ROCK!!!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Today also did not suck
This morning, as my husband was getting ready to leave for work and it was dark and I was in bed warm and asleep with my little dog curled up next to me, he bends down and says
"Thank you."
I sleepily say "Mmmm.....for what?"
"For coming into my life and making everything so much better."
Damn, I'm a lucky girl. He tells me every day how much he loves me and how happy he is that we are finally married and living together. But there was something about hearing it said so simply and sweetly in that place between awake and asleep that was really, really, really special. There is just no way I could have a bad day after that.
"Thank you."
I sleepily say "Mmmm.....for what?"
"For coming into my life and making everything so much better."
Damn, I'm a lucky girl. He tells me every day how much he loves me and how happy he is that we are finally married and living together. But there was something about hearing it said so simply and sweetly in that place between awake and asleep that was really, really, really special. There is just no way I could have a bad day after that.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Today did not suck
Today I felt good. The coin had flipped and I was back to feeling like someone half-normal who was making the best of her life. I went to exercise class. I bought shoes. I got angry and felt it, talked to someone about it, and then let it go. A casual friend called for no reason other than to say Hi and chat. My husband made a flippant, 3-word statement that made me laugh out loud when he said it and again hours later. I drank half a glass of wine and got nicely tipsy. Someone I have known for years commented that they honestly did not remember me ever having a weight problem and that I have always looked good (even though I weighed at least 40lbs more when I met her. Granted, she smokes a lot of weed, but I still know she meant it.)
All those precious little sparkles have left a warm glow on the day. Here's to tomorrow not sucking. Here's to living life.
All those precious little sparkles have left a warm glow on the day. Here's to tomorrow not sucking. Here's to living life.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Interview!
I have a job interview tomorrow! YAY!! I am choosing to be excited. I can beat myself up and be apprehensive another day.
Wish me luck. This is a job working in the same industry I have been in for the least 12 years. There are not a whole lot of options in this industry in my town, so I am willing to take this job (for lower pay and not doing the same thing I was doing before) in the hopes I can move up. Plus, I can take a pay cut now since my hubby pays most of the bills. (Woot woot! Yeah, I was raised to be independent and pay my own way, but it is super-nice to have him taking care of stuff.)
My head is swimming. I have not been on a job interview in many years. I am torn between spending the rest of the day searching the Internet for good responses to interview questions and going shopping... But, as I said. Today and tomorrow I am choosing to be positive!
Wish me luck. This is a job working in the same industry I have been in for the least 12 years. There are not a whole lot of options in this industry in my town, so I am willing to take this job (for lower pay and not doing the same thing I was doing before) in the hopes I can move up. Plus, I can take a pay cut now since my hubby pays most of the bills. (Woot woot! Yeah, I was raised to be independent and pay my own way, but it is super-nice to have him taking care of stuff.)
My head is swimming. I have not been on a job interview in many years. I am torn between spending the rest of the day searching the Internet for good responses to interview questions and going shopping... But, as I said. Today and tomorrow I am choosing to be positive!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Shee-it
Yesterday was a fail and today I am slogging thru the muck of poor choices. I couldn't make it out of the checkout isle without grabbing a trigger food and that was the pebble that started the avalanche of spending, eating, purging. Fail, fail, fail... I had been doing so well Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday that I got smug. I even remember thinking "gee, this isn't even close to being as hard as the other times." And that's when it all fell apart...
Here are the things that I think contributed to the fail. These are NOT excuses. There are no excuses as everything can be worked around. Plus, shooting yourself in the foot doesn't count as an excuse, that's just your own damn stupidity.
1. I am freaking out about $$, the fact I have no job and no prospects and my unemployment is running out. Tracking my spending is just making me more nervous and has contributed to the desire to spend $$ and the shopping binges. I still feel bad about the $38 I spent on Wednesday.
2. I am fighting a stomach bug. Low carb foods and nausea just don't jive. I gave up and ate macaroni and sf pudding yesterday. If I had been a good anorexic, I would have just embraced the opportunity to eat nothing. Damn you survival instinct!!
3. I weighed myself. Fuck. My rational brain knows I can't lose 15 or 10 or even 5 pounds a week, by my crazy brain still some how expects a few days of healthy eating and a few workouts will fix everything. Fuck... I know that I lose weight slowly, that's just how it is. I can expect to lose 2-5 lbs a month if I am firing on all cylinders. Binging is not firing on all cylinders.
Today I pick up and move on. I'm not sure what to do about exercise as I am still feeling sickish. I want to go shopping again as my husband is out of town and it seems like the only good way to get out of the house and amuse myself and stay away from the food. Of course, that could very well give me more stress if I find something I can't live without...
Here are the things that I think contributed to the fail. These are NOT excuses. There are no excuses as everything can be worked around. Plus, shooting yourself in the foot doesn't count as an excuse, that's just your own damn stupidity.
1. I am freaking out about $$, the fact I have no job and no prospects and my unemployment is running out. Tracking my spending is just making me more nervous and has contributed to the desire to spend $$ and the shopping binges. I still feel bad about the $38 I spent on Wednesday.
2. I am fighting a stomach bug. Low carb foods and nausea just don't jive. I gave up and ate macaroni and sf pudding yesterday. If I had been a good anorexic, I would have just embraced the opportunity to eat nothing. Damn you survival instinct!!
3. I weighed myself. Fuck. My rational brain knows I can't lose 15 or 10 or even 5 pounds a week, by my crazy brain still some how expects a few days of healthy eating and a few workouts will fix everything. Fuck... I know that I lose weight slowly, that's just how it is. I can expect to lose 2-5 lbs a month if I am firing on all cylinders. Binging is not firing on all cylinders.
Today I pick up and move on. I'm not sure what to do about exercise as I am still feeling sickish. I want to go shopping again as my husband is out of town and it seems like the only good way to get out of the house and amuse myself and stay away from the food. Of course, that could very well give me more stress if I find something I can't live without...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Shopping binge
So, now that I am in full-on diet mode, what's a girl to do to amuse herself and let off steam? I know....Let's go shopping!!!!
Great idea, except for that pesky lack-of-a-job issue. But I just couldn't help myself. (OK, I really could have, but the scales of deprivation can only take so much.) On Wednesday the dam broke and my skinny little wallet flew open and my poor overworked credit card came flying out.
I tried to stave off the shopping binge by spending a $20 gift card that we got as a wedding present. Got stuff for the house. Good girl. (OK a storage basket and wire shelf for the bathroom cabinet were maybe not the best use of our meager financial resources at this point, but it was what I wanted and damn-it-I-can't-eat-candy-anymore-so-get-behind-me-on-this-or-go-home.)
Then, when I coulda just called it good, my car somehow took me to the "cheap clothing store." This is a store that buys department store leftovers/returns and sells them for cheap. Quite a lot of the stuff is crap. Prolly 75% of it has rips, stains, broken zippers, missing buttons, exploded ink-tags, etc. But I have found enough good stuff that, like an asshole boyfriend who is way hot, I keep going back. And, like an asshole boyfriend, some times I go home disappointed and some times I walk out quivering with excitement and looking quite disheveled.
Oh, and did I mention I had resolved not to buy any more clothes until I have lost 30 pounds and reached my goal weight? No? Yeah, well...
I was pretty controlled with the binge, just skimming the racks instead of going thru everything. I ended up with 3 things and spent $38, so obviously it could have been much, much worse. But I still feel bad. I could have just not gone. That has been my way of dealing with my inner shopper since losing my job. I just don't go. But I feel off the wagon and I know the only reason I let myself do it is the diet. No more soothing with food so gotta find a new pass time. I don't wanna be fat, but I don't wanna spend money I don't have on shit I don't need either!!!!
So, here's what I got, 'cuz I know you all wanna know:
1. I got a new bra--the only thing I "justifiably" needed as the ta-tas have shrunk (boo!! hiss!!!) and I only had one bra that fit and was comfortable and kept them in the right position. I don't want to buy expensive bras til I hit goal (OK, I actually want a boob job after I hit goal, but that is seriously not even close to being a possibility at this point) but I do need more than 1 bra. I hang dry it, so there are times when I need to go out and literally have nothing to give me decent boobage. That was $8.
2. I got a Kathy-bag for $20 because it was missing the fancy dangly zipper-pull thing. I figured being the creative gal I am that I could create my own cool pull-thing. I have beads, wire, charms and chain. Of course, now I'm thinking of just buying a Kathy key chain if I can find one at the mall (using a gift-card from the wedding---Oh, the shame!) or buying one off ebay. Although I have never bought anything off ebay...I'm sort of a Luddite with some technologies and the PayPal thing weirds me out. The new purse is black, and I already have 2 other black purses. I guess that's what I feel the worst about. Time to sell the others, but that is such a pain. I paid $50 for the one and I know I will get about $5 for it, if I'm lucky. Grrrrr.
3. I bought a piece of "inspirational clothing." It's a clingy black sweater with cool fringy stuff in a size SMALL. (I'm currently a pretty consistent Medium.) I know they say to "buy things the size you are" but whatev... I have always done this and have pretty much always lost enough to get into said "inspirational" piece eventually so obviously it works for me. (OK, in all honesty there there were a few items that never made it into the rotation as they were out-of-style by the time the fit.) Actually, I could prolly wear this sweater if I was having a "skinny day" but do seriously plan to save it for next year. I can get it on and it fights everywhere except that the upper arms are a bit tighter than I like. (Plus I need to find the right belt. Man, that is one tenacious lil' shopper I have inside me.) The sweater was $9.
So, there you have it. I still feel sorta bad about the shopping-binge, but not bad enough to return anything. I am seriously going to track my spending for the month to make sure I don't spend more than my unempolyment check. God, this sucks. I actually want to get a job now...
Great idea, except for that pesky lack-of-a-job issue. But I just couldn't help myself. (OK, I really could have, but the scales of deprivation can only take so much.) On Wednesday the dam broke and my skinny little wallet flew open and my poor overworked credit card came flying out.
I tried to stave off the shopping binge by spending a $20 gift card that we got as a wedding present. Got stuff for the house. Good girl. (OK a storage basket and wire shelf for the bathroom cabinet were maybe not the best use of our meager financial resources at this point, but it was what I wanted and damn-it-I-can't-eat-candy-anymore-so-get-behind-me-on-this-or-go-home.)
Then, when I coulda just called it good, my car somehow took me to the "cheap clothing store." This is a store that buys department store leftovers/returns and sells them for cheap. Quite a lot of the stuff is crap. Prolly 75% of it has rips, stains, broken zippers, missing buttons, exploded ink-tags, etc. But I have found enough good stuff that, like an asshole boyfriend who is way hot, I keep going back. And, like an asshole boyfriend, some times I go home disappointed and some times I walk out quivering with excitement and looking quite disheveled.
Oh, and did I mention I had resolved not to buy any more clothes until I have lost 30 pounds and reached my goal weight? No? Yeah, well...
I was pretty controlled with the binge, just skimming the racks instead of going thru everything. I ended up with 3 things and spent $38, so obviously it could have been much, much worse. But I still feel bad. I could have just not gone. That has been my way of dealing with my inner shopper since losing my job. I just don't go. But I feel off the wagon and I know the only reason I let myself do it is the diet. No more soothing with food so gotta find a new pass time. I don't wanna be fat, but I don't wanna spend money I don't have on shit I don't need either!!!!
So, here's what I got, 'cuz I know you all wanna know:
1. I got a new bra--the only thing I "justifiably" needed as the ta-tas have shrunk (boo!! hiss!!!) and I only had one bra that fit and was comfortable and kept them in the right position. I don't want to buy expensive bras til I hit goal (OK, I actually want a boob job after I hit goal, but that is seriously not even close to being a possibility at this point) but I do need more than 1 bra. I hang dry it, so there are times when I need to go out and literally have nothing to give me decent boobage. That was $8.
2. I got a Kathy-bag for $20 because it was missing the fancy dangly zipper-pull thing. I figured being the creative gal I am that I could create my own cool pull-thing. I have beads, wire, charms and chain. Of course, now I'm thinking of just buying a Kathy key chain if I can find one at the mall (using a gift-card from the wedding---Oh, the shame!) or buying one off ebay. Although I have never bought anything off ebay...I'm sort of a Luddite with some technologies and the PayPal thing weirds me out. The new purse is black, and I already have 2 other black purses. I guess that's what I feel the worst about. Time to sell the others, but that is such a pain. I paid $50 for the one and I know I will get about $5 for it, if I'm lucky. Grrrrr.
3. I bought a piece of "inspirational clothing." It's a clingy black sweater with cool fringy stuff in a size SMALL. (I'm currently a pretty consistent Medium.) I know they say to "buy things the size you are" but whatev... I have always done this and have pretty much always lost enough to get into said "inspirational" piece eventually so obviously it works for me. (OK, in all honesty there there were a few items that never made it into the rotation as they were out-of-style by the time the fit.) Actually, I could prolly wear this sweater if I was having a "skinny day" but do seriously plan to save it for next year. I can get it on and it fights everywhere except that the upper arms are a bit tighter than I like. (Plus I need to find the right belt. Man, that is one tenacious lil' shopper I have inside me.) The sweater was $9.
So, there you have it. I still feel sorta bad about the shopping-binge, but not bad enough to return anything. I am seriously going to track my spending for the month to make sure I don't spend more than my unempolyment check. God, this sucks. I actually want to get a job now...
Monday, February 1, 2010
I would have, but a building fell on my car...
Seriously folks. It happened. I ain't makin' this up. Take a look...
OK, here's the story. I took my dog to the groomer (she looks fab now, btw) and parked in a spot at the end of the stripmall. While I was inside (for a mere 3 minutes!), there was a big crash.
I step out to look and see a trash truck stopped beside my car and chunks of concrete and bricks lying around. I walk over, see the dent in my hood and asked the trash guy (who was actually pretty darn cute for a guy missing his bottom front teeth) what happened. He explains that as the truck came around the building, the winch on the top caught a cable affixed to the buliding. The cable pulled out and caused the corner to crumble. He shakes his head and and finishes with "I juss cain't believe it!?!" Well dude, I juss cain't believe it either...
AND...this is the most amazing part...the part that makes me shake my head and shrug my shoulders and wonder how my karma got so fucked... This is the 3rd time this car has been hit WHILE PARKED!! The 3rd stinking time in 6 years! WTF!! I can't even believe it myself and I'm livin' this dream. When I called my husband at work and told him the story ("Hi, I'm fine, but I need to let you know that part of a building fell on my car....") he was quiet for a moment before saying "Honey, that is AMAZING!" and then asked me to forward the pics to his phone so he could show them off to co-workers.
I just can't express how deeply this has shaken my faith in my ability to pick a parking spot. I feel that for the most part I am a pretty capable and intelligent individual. I graduated college, held a professional job for 10-plus years, have flown cross-country, held a one-woman art show, etc., but I can't park my friggin' car and expect it to be in tact when I come back!
However, due to all this I now have THE BEST excuse EVER. I came up with it when I was telling my husband that "Well, I had a whole bunch of errands I was gonna run this afternoon, but a building fell on my car." So, my new excuse is "I would have, but a building fell on my car." Feel free to try it, works for about anything. "I was gonna clean the house up, but a building fell on my car." "I was gonna take the dry cleaning, but a building fell on my car." "I was gonna donate blood, but a building fell on my car." You get the idea...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
On the eve of destruction
Ok, not really destruction, but we are on the eve of oh-crap-it's-seriously-time-to-take-measures-and-quit-eating-every-damn-thing-and-get-a-grip-chick! And I'm starting the 30-day shred tomorrow as well as back to Jazzercise. If I can't move, I can't eat, right? Plus I'm doing lo-carb for a week and seriously cutting back on the diet soda. Prepare for me to be a full-on ragin' bitch for at least 4 days. Like the SNL skit says, grab a hat and hang the fuck on to it.
The main way I plan to cope with the sugar-caffeine-carb detox is to stay busy. For and unemployed chick, it is crazy how much stuff I have to do. Tons of little errands, stuff to get fixed, returned, replaced, etc. About half the thanks-yous for wedding presents still need written. There are still a few wedding-related things to tie up. Calls to make. Oh and the car situation to deal with. THAT is an interesting post that will be showing up soon.
It's also time to work on the house. Seriously. I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me how much "potential" my house has. I mean, isn't that just a veiled way of saying "Gee, your house could look good if you would actually DO something with it." Of course, we need about $100,000 to fix this place up right but a girl can at least make an effort. I already have a broom and vacuum so at least getting it clean won't cost anything. I made pretty good headway last week as we hosted friends for game-night and I have to admit the place looks about 2ox better just getting rid of the cobwebs, dust, clutter and floor-grit. The parlor and laundry room are still full of crap (actually more crap since last weeks clean-up, you know how shit gets shifted when company is coming). I'm just waiting for a good diet-rage to build up before I get into it with those spaces.
So, till tomorrow. Everyone get their hats ready...
The main way I plan to cope with the sugar-caffeine-carb detox is to stay busy. For and unemployed chick, it is crazy how much stuff I have to do. Tons of little errands, stuff to get fixed, returned, replaced, etc. About half the thanks-yous for wedding presents still need written. There are still a few wedding-related things to tie up. Calls to make. Oh and the car situation to deal with. THAT is an interesting post that will be showing up soon.
It's also time to work on the house. Seriously. I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me how much "potential" my house has. I mean, isn't that just a veiled way of saying "Gee, your house could look good if you would actually DO something with it." Of course, we need about $100,000 to fix this place up right but a girl can at least make an effort. I already have a broom and vacuum so at least getting it clean won't cost anything. I made pretty good headway last week as we hosted friends for game-night and I have to admit the place looks about 2ox better just getting rid of the cobwebs, dust, clutter and floor-grit. The parlor and laundry room are still full of crap (actually more crap since last weeks clean-up, you know how shit gets shifted when company is coming). I'm just waiting for a good diet-rage to build up before I get into it with those spaces.
So, till tomorrow. Everyone get their hats ready...
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Insightful husband
Yesterday I say to my hubby "February 1st I'm quitting the carbs again." As I grab a handful of crackers.
His reply "OK. But until then....it's on. Right?"
Oh husband. It's kinda sweet how well you know me.
His reply "OK. But until then....it's on. Right?"
Oh husband. It's kinda sweet how well you know me.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Go shawty... It's ya birthday
Yep, today I am 35. Woke up with a raging case of the cramps--Thank you Aunt Flo. Took a handful of ibuprofen and went back to bed for 2 hours. Why not? It's my birthday?!?!
Weighed myself today. Up to 148 (on my scale that weighs light)...Fook et! That's up 10lbs from my pre-wedding weight, in less than a month. Dang, I am certainly a pro at packin' on the pounds. Of course, I have been putting away the sweets and fast food like a starvin' piglet, so I'm not surprised. Time to reap what I sow and pay the piper and all that.
Today, however, I was blessed in that I didn't wake up with the raging hunger that I have had for the past week. (Hummm...hormones perhaps?) In fact, I didn't eat breakfast until 12:30 so good job there. I have to save calories as I know there will be a b-day dinner tonight. (That's what anorexics do, right? Well, no. They just don't eat. Healthy people budget and balance calories. Damn, I'll have to work on that--after I get my celebration dinner. It takes an act of congress for my hubby to willingly take me out so I'm not lettin' this chance slip. Perhaps by next year I will be a better anorexic and will be able to pass up the goodies I am entitled to on the day of my birth...)
I never visualized myself at this age. I never really thought much about what life would be like after my 20's, but I always had a vision of myself as a white-haired old lady painting pictures and puttering around outside. It's like I had a huge blind spot about the middle of my life. Which may be why there ain't shit worth talkin' bout happenin' here. I did get married before turning 35 (barely!) Slid in under the wire of old-maid-dom with less than a month to spare. Guess it's time to get up, get out there, and get a life. Gotta fill this space while I wait for my hair to turn white.
Happy b-day to me.
Weighed myself today. Up to 148 (on my scale that weighs light)...Fook et! That's up 10lbs from my pre-wedding weight, in less than a month. Dang, I am certainly a pro at packin' on the pounds. Of course, I have been putting away the sweets and fast food like a starvin' piglet, so I'm not surprised. Time to reap what I sow and pay the piper and all that.
Today, however, I was blessed in that I didn't wake up with the raging hunger that I have had for the past week. (Hummm...hormones perhaps?) In fact, I didn't eat breakfast until 12:30 so good job there. I have to save calories as I know there will be a b-day dinner tonight. (That's what anorexics do, right? Well, no. They just don't eat. Healthy people budget and balance calories. Damn, I'll have to work on that--after I get my celebration dinner. It takes an act of congress for my hubby to willingly take me out so I'm not lettin' this chance slip. Perhaps by next year I will be a better anorexic and will be able to pass up the goodies I am entitled to on the day of my birth...)
I never visualized myself at this age. I never really thought much about what life would be like after my 20's, but I always had a vision of myself as a white-haired old lady painting pictures and puttering around outside. It's like I had a huge blind spot about the middle of my life. Which may be why there ain't shit worth talkin' bout happenin' here. I did get married before turning 35 (barely!) Slid in under the wire of old-maid-dom with less than a month to spare. Guess it's time to get up, get out there, and get a life. Gotta fill this space while I wait for my hair to turn white.
Happy b-day to me.
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