Ahh, the power of pussy

Who knew that if you give your husband sex twice in one night, he happily cleans out the closet the next day? I gotta remember this!

Baby step

Well, I got a teeny-tiny little part-time job today and my husband, mom, and friends are so excited you would think I won the lottery. For 2 hours, 4 afternoons a week I will be reading textbooks to a developmentally disabled man who is taking college classes. We met for the first time today, read a chapter, and he hired me. He seems very polite and intelligent and it was relaxing to be around him. His house is very clean and has nice furniture. He has aids who stay with him at all times. He is obviously very highly-functioning, but can't live alone. Sorta like me right now (haha)

The money is not great, and I'm a little worried how it will affect my unemployment, but it is nice to have a purpose to the day and a reason to get in the shower and get dressed and go out. I have become borderline agoraphobic lately. Or whatever it is when you would rather hide in the house and be miserable than go out and do just about anything. Even shopping has lost its fun... although there are big monetary factors related to that.

Obviously, I have to either keep looking for another job or start making money from some of the other side projects I have going on. There is no way I can live on this salary, but like the title says, it's a baby step.

Recovery is for skinny girls

Several months ago, I started looking around the 'net and reading ED recovery blogs. As someone who has danced the dance on and off for over 20 years, I thought I could perhaps find insight into my own situation. And there are many lovely people out there doing great things and getting their shit together and I am happy to have been given insight into their lives. But...

...Today it all just makes me sad. Why? you say. Well, for this reason that uncovers what a petty and jealous person I am. I don't even want to say it out loud, but I shall, because what's the point if I'm not keepin it real?I am discouraged with the recovery blogs I am reading because, well, Those girls are still skinny! They get to recover and still be thin. Does anyone ever actually get a high BMI in recovery? Do they just not talk about it? Do you have to quit your recovery blog if you actually end up chunky?

I just feel so BAD about myself today. I am not thin, not recovered, and obviously not even good at having ED.

Thinking about fruit

It snowed like a bitch yesterday, so I have zero motivation to dig out my car and go buy anything, which is helpful to my "week of no spending" goal. Of course, I also have ZERO motivation to go to exercise class.

I just weighed myself and discovered I have gained 14lbs since the wedding. Holy fuck! That's 33lbs from my weight goal. Gawd...I just want to sit in the corner and cry...

My plan for this week is to eat up what is in the house, then restock with fresh, healthy foods. As a low carb follower, I have staunchly avoided fruit cuz fruit=sugar. But my in laws sent me an orange about a month ago and I have been jonesin for more fruit since eating it. Since I am switching to calorie-counting, perhaps I can get away with one piece of fruit a day. I don't know... it's a big shift, but I feel like I need to mix things up as I am getting so bored with what I am eating. And that is leading to eating out and eating crappy foods at home.

I just wish I wasn't so depressed. I just wish I was motivated enough to care, to do, to try. I just wish....wish...wish...

Rejected

Well, I didn't get the job I interviewed for. I feel like such a loser. I knew I didn't have much self confidence, but this has sent what little I had into the shitter.

As punishment for being such a loser, I plan to spend NO money this coming week. I have a full tank of gas and soup and protein shakes and tampons, so I feel I can put the credit cards away and let it ride for the next week. It won't be easy, but at least I will have something to focus on besides the fact I SUCK at life. And it will help the budget.

Fat Tuesday at the mall

Ok, I really do not feel it is my place to talk badly about fat people, as I used to be one (and technically still am according to my BMI) and I come from a family of predominantly fat people who I love fiercely and deeply with all my heart. But after what I saw today I just gotta let it out...

I had an errand to run that involved going to the mall. I was there around 12:30. I do not think I have never in my life been to the mall at 12:30 on a Tuesday and honestly, after today, don't think I will ever go at that time again.

The mall was freaking filled with fat people. Obese people. Rotund people. However you wanna say it, they were out in force. I can honestly say that less than 20% of the people I saw out today were normal weight individuals. There were old people, middle aged, young, black, white, hispanic, and they were all fat! Many of them appeared to be limping or having difficulty walking, shuffling along in groups that spanned the entire walkway. Honestly folks, it was like the entire mall was fat! There were fat ladies pushing their fat toddlers in strollers to the food court, feeding them soda and french fries. (I know this for a fact as they sat right next to me as I attempted to enjoy my Fat Tuesday treat of a hot pretzel with cheese. It kinda takes the fun out of a mini-binge when a 90 pound first grader is throwing a fit 6 feet away from you cuz he finished his 22oz coke and his mom doesn't want to buy him another. Guess what, she caved after abount 1 minute of his whining.)

I left in a state of shock and awe at the dismal state of health and fitness (and parenting) in my Midwestern city and am still disgusted by what I saw today. On the up side, the ordeal has been a great appetite suppressant.

Rant

Look, husband. I know you apologized, but I just have to say I resent being made to feel like a loser because I want to live in a clean, clutter free house. You have too much shit and you know it so stop being such as ASS when I try to clean this dump up. You totally took the wind out of my sails with the laundry room today and from now on I'm just gonna put your shit in boxes and put it in the basement! F.U.!!!

Trying

So far today I have missed morning exercise class :(

but I made a healthy 228 cal. breakfast :)

And I have had no diet Dr. Pepper since Friday and no soda at all since yesterday morning :) This may not seem like a big deal, but am a total diet soda addict. So this is huge for me.

Now I'm off to organize my laundry room which is also the storage room and is full of crap.

Running the numbers

***Disclaimer time--discussion of weight and BMI to follow***

Well, my mood has improved and the bingeing is lessening (funny how those go hand-in-hand) so snaps up for that. I have finally accomplished some shit that I had let slide for way to long. Certainly there is more to do, but at least I made a dent in the mountain.

My weight and exercise and healthy eating have not improved much at all. After those damn cookies threw me off I have been finding it hard to go back to the low-carb thing. I know it works, I know it is the best way for ME to lose and still feel satisfied, but I just don't have the desire to commit in the way you have to for it to work. It's all chemistry. A delicate balance that can be thrown off by a single sugary bite.

Starting tomorrow (after Valentine's waffles for breakfast) I'm gonna try old-fashioned calorie restriction. I'm hoping the spirit of Ana will come upon me and I'll rekindle my long-lost love of fasting.

History time: I was a chunky kid who slimmed down the summer between fifth and sixth grades when I read a book about an anorexic girl. (So cliche, classic cautionary tale leads girl to destruction...) Between my growth-spurt, avoiding food at all costs, and compulsive exercise I was a pretty successful starver with some once or twice a week purging episodes thrown in to take care of family dinners and such until my junior year of high-school. By then the starving shit had gotten old, I was working in a restaurant where I got free meals, and I had quit most of the organized sports cuz I wasn't that good. My weight crept up during my senior year and I was once again chunky as I accepted my diploma.

In college I quite purging but kept on bingeing as that is how I deal with stress. And boy, did I have stress. Paying my own way, working 2 and 3 jobs and graduating suma cum laude, and oh yeah fat girl why don't you try and have a social life too??? I graduated college obese. Seriously. My highest known weight (cuz I didn't weigh myself at all that I can remember during college) was 238. And I'm 5'2". So, that put my BMI at 43.5. (Wow, I was quite the lil' heifer... I had never figured the actual numbers until now.)

I graduated college with a full-time job lined up, so I made losing weight my priority. I exercised, ate reasonably healthy, and managed to lose at a slow but steady rate of 1-2lbs a month (yeah, a friggin month!!) for a few years and was down to around 175 when I really got stuck. It was close to my 10-year high-school reunion when I tried low-carb for the first time and got down to 161. Blew it after the reunion and gained it back, but managed to work my way down to around 146 for my trip to Hawaii a few years later. Then back up to 155-160 until I got engaged last year and decided to shot for the moon and get down to 135. See, 136 is the top weight for "normal" BMI for someone of my diminutives stature.

I didn't quite make it, sorry to say. But I got damn close at 138. I felt like I was the queen of the world, living the dream, hot and sexy and THIN!!! And then I saw some unflattering pics from the wedding. Fuck all. I ain't hot. I ain't thin. I have saggy skin and jiggly fat and I still look thick in the middle and have huge thighs!!!

So I have been stuffing my face and avoiding exercise and just generally punishing myself from the inside out for being so deluded for the past six weeks. I mean, what was I thinking?!?!? People who are 4 to 6 inches taller than me have 135 as a goal weight. To look thin you have to actually be thin unless you can somehow photoshop your image before it hits the retinas of anyone around you. I'm pretty sure my weight is back up to 150, if not higher, but I'm totally not stepping on the scale for a L-O-N-G time.

So, after much self-flagellation I have set a new goal weight. 119 pounds/BMI 21.8 or exactly HALF of what I used to be. And thus the name of this blog. (OK, if you run the numbers half of 43.5 is 21.75, but I'm rounding up a touch to make it work out nice and pretty.) That is right in the middle of the healthy range for my height, so when my fat relatives start moaning about my "unnatural thinness" I can justifiably tell them to stuff it. Please excuse me if my success blows your "we have fat genes" argument out of the water.

There is absolutely no reason I can't "find half" and be who I want. I just have to find the courage and strength to do it. I need to just Stop. Fucking. Eating!! and Get. My. Ass. Off. The. Couch!!!

Watch me world...I'll get there and I will ROCK!!!

Today also did not suck

This morning, as my husband was getting ready to leave for work and it was dark and I was in bed warm and asleep with my little dog curled up next to me, he bends down and says

"Thank you."

I sleepily say "Mmmm.....for what?"

"For coming into my life and making everything so much better."

Damn, I'm a lucky girl. He tells me every day how much he loves me and how happy he is that we are finally married and living together. But there was something about hearing it said so simply and sweetly in that place between awake and asleep that was really, really, really special. There is just no way I could have a bad day after that.

Today did not suck

Today I felt good. The coin had flipped and I was back to feeling like someone half-normal who was making the best of her life. I went to exercise class. I bought shoes. I got angry and felt it, talked to someone about it, and then let it go. A casual friend called for no reason other than to say Hi and chat. My husband made a flippant, 3-word statement that made me laugh out loud when he said it and again hours later. I drank half a glass of wine and got nicely tipsy. Someone I have known for years commented that they honestly did not remember me ever having a weight problem and that I have always looked good (even though I weighed at least 40lbs more when I met her. Granted, she smokes a lot of weed, but I still know she meant it.)

All those precious little sparkles have left a warm glow on the day. Here's to tomorrow not sucking. Here's to living life.

Interview!

I have a job interview tomorrow! YAY!! I am choosing to be excited. I can beat myself up and be apprehensive another day.

Wish me luck. This is a job working in the same industry I have been in for the least 12 years. There are not a whole lot of options in this industry in my town, so I am willing to take this job (for lower pay and not doing the same thing I was doing before) in the hopes I can move up. Plus, I can take a pay cut now since my hubby pays most of the bills. (Woot woot! Yeah, I was raised to be independent and pay my own way, but it is super-nice to have him taking care of stuff.)

My head is swimming. I have not been on a job interview in many years. I am torn between spending the rest of the day searching the Internet for good responses to interview questions and going shopping... But, as I said. Today and tomorrow I am choosing to be positive!

Shee-it

Yesterday was a fail and today I am slogging thru the muck of poor choices. I couldn't make it out of the checkout isle without grabbing a trigger food and that was the pebble that started the avalanche of spending, eating, purging. Fail, fail, fail... I had been doing so well Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday that I got smug. I even remember thinking "gee, this isn't even close to being as hard as the other times." And that's when it all fell apart...

Here are the things that I think contributed to the fail. These are NOT excuses. There are no excuses as everything can be worked around. Plus, shooting yourself in the foot doesn't count as an excuse, that's just your own damn stupidity.

1. I am freaking out about $$, the fact I have no job and no prospects and my unemployment is running out. Tracking my spending is just making me more nervous and has contributed to the desire to spend $$ and the shopping binges. I still feel bad about the $38 I spent on Wednesday.

2. I am fighting a stomach bug. Low carb foods and nausea just don't jive. I gave up and ate macaroni and sf pudding yesterday. If I had been a good anorexic, I would have just embraced the opportunity to eat nothing. Damn you survival instinct!!

3. I weighed myself. Fuck. My rational brain knows I can't lose 15 or 10 or even 5 pounds a week, by my crazy brain still some how expects a few days of healthy eating and a few workouts will fix everything. Fuck... I know that I lose weight slowly, that's just how it is. I can expect to lose 2-5 lbs a month if I am firing on all cylinders. Binging is not firing on all cylinders.

Today I pick up and move on. I'm not sure what to do about exercise as I am still feeling sickish. I want to go shopping again as my husband is out of town and it seems like the only good way to get out of the house and amuse myself and stay away from the food. Of course, that could very well give me more stress if I find something I can't live without...

Shopping binge

So, now that I am in full-on diet mode, what's a girl to do to amuse herself and let off steam? I know....Let's go shopping!!!!

Great idea, except for that pesky lack-of-a-job issue. But I just couldn't help myself. (OK, I really could have, but the scales of deprivation can only take so much.) On Wednesday the dam broke and my skinny little wallet flew open and my poor overworked credit card came flying out.

I tried to stave off the shopping binge by spending a $20 gift card that we got as a wedding present. Got stuff for the house. Good girl. (OK a storage basket and wire shelf for the bathroom cabinet were maybe not the best use of our meager financial resources at this point, but it was what I wanted and damn-it-I-can't-eat-candy-anymore-so-get-behind-me-on-this-or-go-home.)

Then, when I coulda just called it good, my car somehow took me to the "cheap clothing store." This is a store that buys department store leftovers/returns and sells them for cheap. Quite a lot of the stuff is crap. Prolly 75% of it has rips, stains, broken zippers, missing buttons, exploded ink-tags, etc. But I have found enough good stuff that, like an asshole boyfriend who is way hot, I keep going back. And, like an asshole boyfriend, some times I go home disappointed and some times I walk out quivering with excitement and looking quite disheveled.

Oh, and did I mention I had resolved not to buy any more clothes until I have lost 30 pounds and reached my goal weight? No? Yeah, well...

I was pretty controlled with the binge, just skimming the racks instead of going thru everything. I ended up with 3 things and spent $38, so obviously it could have been much, much worse. But I still feel bad. I could have just not gone. That has been my way of dealing with my inner shopper since losing my job. I just don't go. But I feel off the wagon and I know the only reason I let myself do it is the diet. No more soothing with food so gotta find a new pass time. I don't wanna be fat, but I don't wanna spend money I don't have on shit I don't need either!!!!

So, here's what I got, 'cuz I know you all wanna know:

1. I got a new bra--the only thing I "justifiably" needed as the ta-tas have shrunk (boo!! hiss!!!) and I only had one bra that fit and was comfortable and kept them in the right position. I don't want to buy expensive bras til I hit goal (OK, I actually want a boob job after I hit goal, but that is seriously not even close to being a possibility at this point) but I do need more than 1 bra. I hang dry it, so there are times when I need to go out and literally have nothing to give me decent boobage. That was $8.

2. I got a Kathy-bag for $20 because it was missing the fancy dangly zipper-pull thing. I figured being the creative gal I am that I could create my own cool pull-thing. I have beads, wire, charms and chain. Of course, now I'm thinking of just buying a Kathy key chain if I can find one at the mall (using a gift-card from the wedding---Oh, the shame!) or buying one off ebay. Although I have never bought anything off ebay...I'm sort of a Luddite with some technologies and the PayPal thing weirds me out. The new purse is black, and I already have 2 other black purses. I guess that's what I feel the worst about. Time to sell the others, but that is such a pain. I paid $50 for the one and I know I will get about $5 for it, if I'm lucky. Grrrrr.

3. I bought a piece of "inspirational clothing." It's a clingy black sweater with cool fringy stuff in a size SMALL. (I'm currently a pretty consistent Medium.) I know they say to "buy things the size you are" but whatev... I have always done this and have pretty much always lost enough to get into said "inspirational" piece eventually so obviously it works for me. (OK, in all honesty there there were a few items that never made it into the rotation as they were out-of-style by the time the fit.) Actually, I could prolly wear this sweater if I was having a "skinny day" but do seriously plan to save it for next year. I can get it on and it fights everywhere except that the upper arms are a bit tighter than I like. (Plus I need to find the right belt. Man, that is one tenacious lil' shopper I have inside me.) The sweater was $9.

So, there you have it. I still feel sorta bad about the shopping-binge, but not bad enough to return anything. I am seriously going to track my spending for the month to make sure I don't spend more than my unempolyment check. God, this sucks. I actually want to get a job now...

I would have, but a building fell on my car...

Seriously folks. It happened. I ain't makin' this up. Take a look...

OK, here's the story. I took my dog to the groomer (she looks fab now, btw) and parked in a spot at the end of the stripmall. While I was inside (for a mere 3 minutes!), there was a big crash.

I step out to look and see a trash truck stopped beside my car and chunks of concrete and bricks lying around. I walk over, see the dent in my hood and asked the trash guy (who was actually pretty darn cute for a guy missing his bottom front teeth) what happened. He explains that as the truck came around the building, the winch on the top caught a cable affixed to the buliding. The cable pulled out and caused the corner to crumble. He shakes his head and and finishes with "I juss cain't believe it!?!" Well dude, I juss cain't believe it either...

AND...this is the most amazing part...the part that makes me shake my head and shrug my shoulders and wonder how my karma got so fucked... This is the 3rd time this car has been hit WHILE PARKED!! The 3rd stinking time in 6 years! WTF!! I can't even believe it myself and I'm livin' this dream. When I called my husband at work and told him the story ("Hi, I'm fine, but I need to let you know that part of a building fell on my car....") he was quiet for a moment before saying "Honey, that is AMAZING!" and then asked me to forward the pics to his phone so he could show them off to co-workers.

I just can't express how deeply this has shaken my faith in my ability to pick a parking spot. I feel that for the most part I am a pretty capable and intelligent individual. I graduated college, held a professional job for 10-plus years, have flown cross-country, held a one-woman art show, etc., but I can't park my friggin' car and expect it to be in tact when I come back!

However, due to all this I now have THE BEST excuse EVER. I came up with it when I was telling my husband that "Well, I had a whole bunch of errands I was gonna run this afternoon, but a building fell on my car." So, my new excuse is "I would have, but a building fell on my car." Feel free to try it, works for about anything. "I was gonna clean the house up, but a building fell on my car." "I was gonna take the dry cleaning, but a building fell on my car." "I was gonna donate blood, but a building fell on my car." You get the idea...