I am depressed. I have had varying degrees of depression all my life, so I KNOW what's happening. I have been slipping for a long time now. I wake up with a stomach ache and I just want to cry, go back to sleep, to stay in bed all day, to never leave the house. What's the point? I have no job, no one wants to hire me, I'm not qualified for anything. I hate my body, I hate myself for gaining back the weight I lost last year. I don't enjoy having sex with my husband, I don't enjoy working out, I don't enjoy anything any more. I can't get my shit together enough to take a bath, let alone apply for jobs or remodel my house or do any of the stuff everyone seems to expect me to do.
I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My husband has his own issues, and somehow whenever I try to talk about my sadness, he turns it around so it's about him. My friends are all busy with their jobs and families and I don't want to bring them down. They can't fix me, and it isn't their job to anyway. I am the broken link in this equation.
I know I need help. I know I need medication. I know what I should do, but it's just too overwhelming at this point to pick up the phone and start the process. I have not seen a counselor or psychiatrist in over 14 years. I have not been to the doctor in over 6 years (except for Med-assist. I fucking hate the medical establishment and have done my best not to interface with them at all.)
I am in a really bad place right now. I have been bawling on and off all morning. I am too overwhelmed to take any positive action right now and I feel so alone. Any supportive you have to offer would be most welcome.
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I really really hope you can reach out and pick up that phone because you need support, and it sounds like your friends and hubbie aren't doing the job! Nobody deserves to be in pain every day. Maybe medication would help? Or some therapy?
ReplyDeleteHang in there! And be sure you are taking omega3 and multivitamin, as deficiencies caused by dieting can make depression worse.
Thanks Lisa. I made a call and have an appointment on Wed. for an evaluation. So I get my ticket to ride the medical merry-go-round in 2 days. Yay.
ReplyDeleteFrom your comment above i see that you have made an appointment. thats always the hardest step.
ReplyDeleteI hope your appointment goes well (as well as it can). I'm in a similar boat so I don't have much to offer/say, other than i can relate to your situation, and hopefully it gets better (for both of us)
~Harlow