Today, and for some time now, I have just felt like saying "Fuck it. I'm gonna give up the struggle and just be fat." It's not like I have any real reason to be skinny except for vanity. Heck, I met (and was screwing) my husband when I weighed over 200lbs. The wedding is over, I can't afford to buy new clothes, I'm not gonna be on any reality TV shows, and there is really no motivation for me not to throw in the towel.
I'm just sick of feeling like a shitty failure. I'm so MAD at myself for gaining back the 15lbs I lost before the wedding. But, at the same time I would rather do just about anything besides exercise and I just wanna eat what I want and not give a fuck!!!!!!!!!!
.......(ok, I know I won't really give up. But I'm just so frustrated with the struggle and, well, me. I just want to be who I want to be, but it is so friggin HARD to get there. And I'm sucking at it right now)............
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there are days like this for everyone, try to remember that it will pass and you will return to a more motivated mindset.
ReplyDeletechin up and write about it more if it helps - blogging it always makes things easier for me!! xoxo
sometimes I wonder to myself after I look back at a milestone (birthday, new years), and realize that I haven't really been successful at this in YEARS.... I wonder if I stopped trying what would happen.
ReplyDeleteIf we stopped trying though... we would have nothing to control
Are you weighing over 200 since you have gained back 15?
Thanks for the encouragement K and Kitty.
ReplyDeleteK, I weigh 153-155 now after the 15lb gain (I was down to 138 before the wedding). I met my husband 11 years ago when I was lots heavier.
I feel this way Every Single Fucking Day! Every day I think about buying a bag of Oreo cookies and a gallon of milk and just gorging myself until I puke or die.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet, sweet death.