The other day when I was bemoaning my 15 pound gain to my husband (yeah, first mistake--never bring up weight with SOs) he said to me "Well, you can just be like Kirstie Alley and lose it all again!" Really husband? You think I look like Kirstie big-as-a-blimp Alley? Fuck. My. Life.
Next week I'm starting a liquids-only fast. Who cares if I fuckin' pass out while driving or go bat-shit-crazy? I'll show him, and everyone else. I'm gonna get so skinny that no one will NOT notice. Watch me.
And when they give me the heartfelt lectures centering around "We just want you to be healthy (ie FAT and docile and conforming) so please stuff you face with something and stop acting like a rabid demon she-devil" I will look at them all serious a quite like I am really sorry I have put them all through this WORRY about ME and my ISSUES instead of letting the world continue to revolve around THEM... but inside you know I'll be flippin' them the bird.
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I totally don't want this to sound like a lecture but here it goes....
ReplyDeleteThe other night Chris (my husband) and I got into an argument right before dinner. I sat down at the table fuming, stomach churning. The last thing I wanted to do was eat! And then the old ED voice popped up and said "well screw him anyways, I'm just not going to eat, that'll show him!".
In the past I would have acted on it. But I know from experience that using the ED to "show" people I was hurt or angry never worked. In the end, the ED only acted as a wedge, driving me further apart from the people I loved.
So the other night, as hard as it was, I sat down to dinner and ate. And afterward, I pulled Chris aside and told him how I was feeling. And that was hard, too. I don't know about you, but when sometimes honest and straightforward communication is scary for me. I never know how people will react. Sometimes I think "well if I am open and honest and clear and use a perfect 'I' statement then they will totally understand and agree and apologise and we will live happily ever after...". But it doesn't always work that way. People can still be defensive and irrational. I guess there's no easy fix for that.
Ok I am rambling. I think what I am trying to say is that losing weight to get more healthy is ok, but if you are wanting to lose weight in an unhealthy way because you are hurt and angry, wouldn't it be better to skip to whole ED part and deal directly with the hurt and anger?
Hope I didn't make you mad. I just care :)
girl we need a 6 pack... not a 2 pack
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