Back to it

Sorry for all the drivel about my life. I remembered today that this is supposed to be a weight loss blog. I seriously need to get back to it with the weight loss endeavors. I promise to get my head (and fat ass) back in the game. Time to bring the pain.

White horse wanted

As I am coming out of my fog of depression (thanks, meds) I look around me and see that others near and dear to me are suffering and I feel bad for neglecting them. In my rational mind I KNOW that I need to take care of myself first, but there is a big part of me that wants to please everyone and fix everything and make it all better because the whole time I was growing up I was told I was wonderful and special* and could do anything at all I set my mind to. And it just happens that I seem to have set my mind on fixing everything. Even though I can't.

Case in point... My mom. She is in major debt, struggling to pay her bills. She has an "issue" with spending money she doesn't have, living beyond her means, and using possessions to "keep up appearances." She lives on a farm. She works in my small hometown with a full time job in local government (prestigious, but not too lucrative) and teaches part time at the local community college. If she had reigned in her spending after my dad died in 2002 she would prolly be fine today. But then, of course, she would not be who she is.... Her financial ship is sinking and I feel compelled to try and bail her out, even though I am unemployed, with only $3000 to my name and a husband who is losing patience with me in regards to my lack of employment.

Part of me knows that any help I give her would just be like pouring a glass of water on a bonfire, but as her daughter (and only child) the pull to do what I can is just so strong. I know she needs to learn this lesson and must suffer the consequences of her actions, even if it means filing bankruptcy or selling the farm. But still, it's just so hard to watch...

And then there is my husband. He is home sick right now, and I know it's from stress. He has been really pushing me to take any kind of job I can find. Like, working in a daycare or at a pizza chain. And I'm resisting and he's losing his patience. I see his point that a job is a job but I mean, fuck!?!?! How is that gonna get me back on track with my career? I didn't work 2 and 3 and 4 jobs to put myself through college to wipe noses or make pizza. (Not that I'm dissing those who do, but it's not for me.) Until my unemployment has officially run out I'm not taking a job that's less than $10 an hour. And anyway, how am I supposed to have the time to find a good job if I'm spending all my time working a shitty one?

Damn, it would be nice if I could put the depressed blinders back on and ignore this shit a little longer.


*(except when my dad got pissed at me and told me I was "not special" and "ugly"--thanks for those fond memories Pops)

Cee-lex-ia

Yesterday I saw the nurse practitioner my therapist recommended. I was very nervous and anxious, I hate Drs and was prepared for the lecture I would get regarding the fact I have not had a "female checkup" for years. But it was ok. The lady has a little white poodle as a therapy dog, so I got to do most of the appointment with a dog on my lap.

Left with a Rx for Celexa and the name of a lady Md who specializes in women's health. Meds lady wants me to have my thyroid and iron levels checked, but I'm not getting too invested in that outcome. I mean, isn't it every fat girls dream, to hear you have a thyroid issue and there is a magic pill that will fix it? Whatever, if there is one thing I have learned in my 35 years, it's that my life doesn't work like that...

The first dose of meds left me nauseated and tired last night. So, it def curbed the late-night eating. Not much hunger today either--yay for that. I know that my body will soon adjust and the appetite will come roaring back, so I'll just try to make the most of it while it lasts.

Two positive things from the appointment: First, med lady said there was def a big anxiety component to my depression. I know I have a lot of anxiety that I hid from everyone, so I'm glad she could see it and is trying find meds to help. Second, I discussed my fears of gaining weight in relation to meds. She asked me "So how are you weight-wise in relation to your family? Are you about the same as everyone else?" I told her "No, I'm actually kind of a skinny-mini, but that is cuz they are obese." "Well, your doing really good then" she said. Well, I guess maybe I am if you look at it like that...

So, I'm riding the wave of Cee-lex-ia and hoping for the best. I have been doing some stuff around the house and am working on something I'll tell you about soon.

And lisalisa, thanks for your comment on my last post. I know what you are saying is true. I need to do a better job of expressing myself to others and not turning my anger inward. Thanks for calling me on my shit, it shows you really care. :)

Really husband?

The other day when I was bemoaning my 15 pound gain to my husband (yeah, first mistake--never bring up weight with SOs) he said to me "Well, you can just be like Kirstie Alley and lose it all again!" Really husband? You think I look like Kirstie big-as-a-blimp Alley? Fuck. My. Life.

Next week I'm starting a liquids-only fast. Who cares if I fuckin' pass out while driving or go bat-shit-crazy? I'll show him, and everyone else. I'm gonna get so skinny that no one will NOT notice. Watch me.

And when they give me the heartfelt lectures centering around "We just want you to be healthy (ie FAT and docile and conforming) so please stuff you face with something and stop acting like a rabid demon she-devil" I will look at them all serious a quite like I am really sorry I have put them all through this WORRY about ME and my ISSUES instead of letting the world continue to revolve around THEM... but inside you know I'll be flippin' them the bird.

Question

How fast can I lose 10 percent body fat? Cuz that's what needs to happen before I look in the mirror again. Seriously. I am icky with the lard.

Nuff said.

Ooohh yeah!!

Get this.... My therapist actually RECOMMENDED that I work out twice a day! OMG, I think I'm in love with him. Ok, actually the eating-disordered-obsessive-exercise-bulimic part of me is in love. I felt a twisted satisfaction as I left the house in my workout clothes this evening, smiling at my husband and reminding him "it's Doctor's orders!"

(And no, therapist knows nothing of my eating issues and I plan to keep it that way. At least until I get skinny...)

Anti-exercise

I wish I could figure out why I have totally stopped exercising. I miss my toned muscles, but just don't have it in me to go work out. :(

Maybe I will bring this up with my counselor at our meeting tomorrow. I felt better after talking to him last week. Get this, he is 75 years old! So far I like him a lot. Very easy to talk to and pays attention. But he has been doing this for 50-some years so he should be good at it. I wonder if/when he is gonna start asking tough questions and saying things I don't want to hear.

I know I have gotten so, so lazy. I need to get the fuck up and out and get on with my life. As in find a job, work on my house, lose weight, exercise, figure out what the heck is going on with my retirement accounts, make contact with friends, you know--basic life shit... But sometimes I just like staying home and doing nothing but sitting on the computer all day. Shoot me. I used to be so driven, always getting high grades in school, tons of extracurriculars, working 2 and 3 and 4 jobs, exercising 2 hours a day. And now look at me. The pendulum has certainly swung the other way.

Maybe I'm burnt out. But I secretly fear I'm just lazy and right now events have conspired to let me get away with it...

I hate fucking Guitar Hero!

I do. I suck at it and all video type games. If a game requires more than a single mouse click (ie Bejeweled or Farmville) I can't manage it. Never have been too good at hand-eye coordination in regards to shit like that. And in fucking Guitar Hero you get booed off the stage! Why do my husband and friends insist on making me do this? Can't they see my fragile ego can't take it?

--Hey guys, watch this. Let's peer pressure her into playing and then when she gets booed off the stage twice we will give her dirty looks for messing up our songs. That will really slay her and we can watch out of the corner of our eyes as she spends the next 2 hours sitting on the couch trying to look normal while she is crying inside over a fucking game! It will be so great for her self-esteem.--

I don't make them go to art museums or make jewelry or dance or do any of the fucking shit I like to do! And then let them FAIL publicly! Fuckers...

Shout outs

Hey all, I'm back. Got over my snit and have been sorta busy, sorta doing stuff other than blogging.

I have a lot to talk about, but right now I just have time for shout outs to blogland folks:

Auden, I can't comment on your blog since you changed to the new lay out. :( I really, really, very much want to do that Insanity program, but know I would just die. Seriously. Suicide by exercise.

K from Skinny, I love how your rational accountant mind works in relation to analyzing the "do I have a reason to be unhappy?" thing. I smiled while reading it. My mom is the same way (and she is also an accountant!) Many a time she has tried to reason me out of a depression. And I see your (and her) points and I know things are not as bad as they seem, but my creative, intuitive, and emotional mind just gets stuck on the badness. I can rationalize myself out of it for a while, but then I just fall back into that rut of sadness. Personality flaw, I guess.
And I understand about not knowing where to meet guys. After I graduated college, my prospects totally dried up. I don't have any advice other than to maybe try speed-dating. I toyed with the concept during a time when husband and I were not together (before we got married.) I liked it better than the internet thing as you get an honest visual and I can always tell within 5 minutes with a guy if I want to spend more time with him or not. If they have those things here in my little Kansas town I'm sure they have them in your big city. Unless they are now passe...

Harlow, aww girl. I'm glad you are getting help. I know I was part of the legions that told you how great you looked and how I admired you drive (and that is still true today) but I was also thinking that you really do exercise A LOT and that eating 300 cals a day is really just not healthy. I just want you to find peace. I'm in your corner whatever you do.

Lisalisa, thanks so much for the supportive comment :) I know you understand how much depression sucks. Can you (or anyone else) recommend any anti-depressant meds that don't cause weight gain? I took Prozac years and years ago and blew up like a balloon, but there may have been other factors at work. Thanks for reading me!