Cee-lex-ia

Yesterday I saw the nurse practitioner my therapist recommended. I was very nervous and anxious, I hate Drs and was prepared for the lecture I would get regarding the fact I have not had a "female checkup" for years. But it was ok. The lady has a little white poodle as a therapy dog, so I got to do most of the appointment with a dog on my lap.

Left with a Rx for Celexa and the name of a lady Md who specializes in women's health. Meds lady wants me to have my thyroid and iron levels checked, but I'm not getting too invested in that outcome. I mean, isn't it every fat girls dream, to hear you have a thyroid issue and there is a magic pill that will fix it? Whatever, if there is one thing I have learned in my 35 years, it's that my life doesn't work like that...

The first dose of meds left me nauseated and tired last night. So, it def curbed the late-night eating. Not much hunger today either--yay for that. I know that my body will soon adjust and the appetite will come roaring back, so I'll just try to make the most of it while it lasts.

Two positive things from the appointment: First, med lady said there was def a big anxiety component to my depression. I know I have a lot of anxiety that I hid from everyone, so I'm glad she could see it and is trying find meds to help. Second, I discussed my fears of gaining weight in relation to meds. She asked me "So how are you weight-wise in relation to your family? Are you about the same as everyone else?" I told her "No, I'm actually kind of a skinny-mini, but that is cuz they are obese." "Well, your doing really good then" she said. Well, I guess maybe I am if you look at it like that...

So, I'm riding the wave of Cee-lex-ia and hoping for the best. I have been doing some stuff around the house and am working on something I'll tell you about soon.

And lisalisa, thanks for your comment on my last post. I know what you are saying is true. I need to do a better job of expressing myself to others and not turning my anger inward. Thanks for calling me on my shit, it shows you really care. :)

Infectulated, in every zone

(any Squidbillies fans out there? Otherwise the post title will not be nearly as meaningful)

Fuckin' damn! The illness is back. The hacking, disgusting cough has returned with the sleeplessness and I-got-ran-over-by-a-truck feeling. Fugger!! It's back to the Dr. this afternoon.

My husband wants me to find a "real" doctor instead of hitting up the Minor Med folks again. Uh, no thanks. Real doctors want to establish some type of "relationship" with you. They look at your medical history and order tests and want to put you on daily meds and send you to therapy and do all kinds of shit that you don't have the time, money, or desire to do. Real doctors try to get in your business and suggest that you lose weight and get treated for your depression. Again, no thanks.

Basically, doctors have told me that the root of all my issues is my excess weight and if a problem is not directly connected to my weight then it is "in my head" and related to my depression. So, I am making myself sick. It's all my fault. If I was a better person, I would not get sick. I am flawed. Yadda, yadda, yadda. So no, I'm not ready to establish another "relationship" with a so-called authority figure that is just gonna make me feel shittier than before.