Cee-lex-ia

Yesterday I saw the nurse practitioner my therapist recommended. I was very nervous and anxious, I hate Drs and was prepared for the lecture I would get regarding the fact I have not had a "female checkup" for years. But it was ok. The lady has a little white poodle as a therapy dog, so I got to do most of the appointment with a dog on my lap.

Left with a Rx for Celexa and the name of a lady Md who specializes in women's health. Meds lady wants me to have my thyroid and iron levels checked, but I'm not getting too invested in that outcome. I mean, isn't it every fat girls dream, to hear you have a thyroid issue and there is a magic pill that will fix it? Whatever, if there is one thing I have learned in my 35 years, it's that my life doesn't work like that...

The first dose of meds left me nauseated and tired last night. So, it def curbed the late-night eating. Not much hunger today either--yay for that. I know that my body will soon adjust and the appetite will come roaring back, so I'll just try to make the most of it while it lasts.

Two positive things from the appointment: First, med lady said there was def a big anxiety component to my depression. I know I have a lot of anxiety that I hid from everyone, so I'm glad she could see it and is trying find meds to help. Second, I discussed my fears of gaining weight in relation to meds. She asked me "So how are you weight-wise in relation to your family? Are you about the same as everyone else?" I told her "No, I'm actually kind of a skinny-mini, but that is cuz they are obese." "Well, your doing really good then" she said. Well, I guess maybe I am if you look at it like that...

So, I'm riding the wave of Cee-lex-ia and hoping for the best. I have been doing some stuff around the house and am working on something I'll tell you about soon.

And lisalisa, thanks for your comment on my last post. I know what you are saying is true. I need to do a better job of expressing myself to others and not turning my anger inward. Thanks for calling me on my shit, it shows you really care. :)

Circling the drain

I am depressed. I have had varying degrees of depression all my life, so I KNOW what's happening. I have been slipping for a long time now. I wake up with a stomach ache and I just want to cry, go back to sleep, to stay in bed all day, to never leave the house. What's the point? I have no job, no one wants to hire me, I'm not qualified for anything. I hate my body, I hate myself for gaining back the weight I lost last year. I don't enjoy having sex with my husband, I don't enjoy working out, I don't enjoy anything any more. I can't get my shit together enough to take a bath, let alone apply for jobs or remodel my house or do any of the stuff everyone seems to expect me to do.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My husband has his own issues, and somehow whenever I try to talk about my sadness, he turns it around so it's about him. My friends are all busy with their jobs and families and I don't want to bring them down. They can't fix me, and it isn't their job to anyway. I am the broken link in this equation.

I know I need help. I know I need medication. I know what I should do, but it's just too overwhelming at this point to pick up the phone and start the process. I have not seen a counselor or psychiatrist in over 14 years. I have not been to the doctor in over 6 years (except for Med-assist. I fucking hate the medical establishment and have done my best not to interface with them at all.)

I am in a really bad place right now. I have been bawling on and off all morning. I am too overwhelmed to take any positive action right now and I feel so alone. Any supportive you have to offer would be most welcome.