Friday, August 26, 2011

Hi ya'll

I missed you all. My life is so busy. My job is crazy busy and then the being married seems to be turning into a huge time-suck.

And I've been so scared to post. I am a fat cow due to laziness and meds and unfortunate situations.

But I feel like coming back now, so expect some updates from the land of me.


Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I'm not pregnant, just fat. But I'm working on fixing that. Updates to follow...

Sunday, December 12, 2010


No. 1) I got a job. I love it (mostly). I have been there nearly 3 months, got the corporate shirts and business cards to prove it. Negotiated a salary comparable to the one I had before the great unemployment. Go me.

No. 2) I'm still doing the therapy and meds thing. Will taper off both in the new year as I have gotten my shit mostly together. Enough at least to snow them into thinking I'm ok to go it alone.

No. 3) I am fucking FAT. For real. Ick....

No. 4) My husband is being a fucking asshole. For real. Ick....

No. 5) I am super-freaked out that I might be pregnant. For real. Fuck... That's not in the plan. I can't do the mommy thing and there is no way my husband is father material. Don't even try to convince me.

More updates will follow. Since my husband has now morphed into an ass, I doubt I will be spending as much time making goo-goo eyes at him and will have more time to bitch on this blog.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Creeping back, or, The good/the bad/the ugly

So....I've been gone for what, a month or so? Quite a bit of nothing special and a little moderately interesting stuff happened so here is the breakdown.

The good: I GOT A FREAKING JOB!!! Finally! And I negotiated a salary $2 an hour higher than what they wanted to start me at. Yay for me! Momma's gonna get paid!

The bad: My I-think-he-is-an-alcoholic-but-he-doesn't-agree-with-me husband has started slipping back into the bottle. FML. He was totally sober for a year after he got arrested, then only drank a beer now and then for a year after that, then moved up to two, and in the last few months has steadily upped his intake. I think he had nine last night. Once again, FML.

The ugly: I am so fucking fat I can't even deal with it. Seriously, none of my clothes fit and now I have to look presentable 5 days a week. I think about working out and eating healthy but I just can't DO it for some reason. If I gain 5 more pounds I am stopping the anti-depressants. Sorry, I'd rather be normal weight and depressed with clothes I can wear than obese and chemically happy and shopping in the plus department. Hopefully after the 90-day probation period at work I can start smoking weed again if I have to quit the anti-ds. I actually lost weight when I dabbled with the smoke for a few months last year.

So, that's the highlights. I will try to get myself on a schedule with writing and posting which hopefully with morph into me caring about my weight again and finding the motivation to actually do something about it.

Love to you all....

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Shhhhh....don't tell....

...but I started doing low carb today. I'm not going to make any "announcement" about it to my husband or friends, just plan to eat what I want and leave the carbs/sugar on my plate. We shall see how it works...

I have been making a serious effort in applying for jobs. I put in apps for some pretty well-paying jobs. There is one in particular that would be just awesome in relation to the pay. Like, I would be making more $$ than I have ever made in my life. Send me positive vibes, I need all the help I can get. I'm trying not to get hung up on obsessing about getting any one job in particular, because I don't want to feel the crash when I am denied. I'm just trying to be hopeful and trust I will end up where I should be. (And the meds are helping.)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Back to it

Sorry for all the drivel about my life. I remembered today that this is supposed to be a weight loss blog. I seriously need to get back to it with the weight loss endeavors. I promise to get my head (and fat ass) back in the game. Time to bring the pain.

Monday, July 26, 2010

White horse wanted

As I am coming out of my fog of depression (thanks, meds) I look around me and see that others near and dear to me are suffering and I feel bad for neglecting them. In my rational mind I KNOW that I need to take care of myself first, but there is a big part of me that wants to please everyone and fix everything and make it all better because the whole time I was growing up I was told I was wonderful and special* and could do anything at all I set my mind to. And it just happens that I seem to have set my mind on fixing everything. Even though I can't.

Case in point... My mom. She is in major debt, struggling to pay her bills. She has an "issue" with spending money she doesn't have, living beyond her means, and using possessions to "keep up appearances." She lives on a farm. She works in my small hometown with a full time job in local government (prestigious, but not too lucrative) and teaches part time at the local community college. If she had reigned in her spending after my dad died in 2002 she would prolly be fine today. But then, of course, she would not be who she is.... Her financial ship is sinking and I feel compelled to try and bail her out, even though I am unemployed, with only $3000 to my name and a husband who is losing patience with me in regards to my lack of employment.

Part of me knows that any help I give her would just be like pouring a glass of water on a bonfire, but as her daughter (and only child) the pull to do what I can is just so strong. I know she needs to learn this lesson and must suffer the consequences of her actions, even if it means filing bankruptcy or selling the farm. But still, it's just so hard to watch...

And then there is my husband. He is home sick right now, and I know it's from stress. He has been really pushing me to take any kind of job I can find. Like, working in a daycare or at a pizza chain. And I'm resisting and he's losing his patience. I see his point that a job is a job but I mean, fuck!?!?! How is that gonna get me back on track with my career? I didn't work 2 and 3 and 4 jobs to put myself through college to wipe noses or make pizza. (Not that I'm dissing those who do, but it's not for me.) Until my unemployment has officially run out I'm not taking a job that's less than $10 an hour. And anyway, how am I supposed to have the time to find a good job if I'm spending all my time working a shitty one?

Damn, it would be nice if I could put the depressed blinders back on and ignore this shit a little longer.

*(except when my dad got pissed at me and told me I was "not special" and "ugly"--thanks for those fond memories Pops)