My simmering anger has turned to sadness. Sadness because I realized today that I could be doing a lot of things better. I could be actively looking for a job. I could be doing more around the house. I could be a better wife. I could lose weight. I could do a lot of things, but I just can't get myself motivated to any of this stuff at this point.
Man, I feel like such a loser.
I would like to make all sorts of promises about how tomorrow I will put in 20 job apps and work out for hours and drink a gallon of water and eat only salad...but I know myself and to make promises like that would just be a lie. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm really struggling right now to just get through each day. Getting a job and being a good wife and losing weight seem unattainable right now. And not for any other reason than I just can't get myself together enough to do it.
I am the flaw in this equation. I just hope I can find a way to fix it.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Infectulated, in every zone
(any Squidbillies fans out there? Otherwise the post title will not be nearly as meaningful)
Fuckin' damn! The illness is back. The hacking, disgusting cough has returned with the sleeplessness and I-got-ran-over-by-a-truck feeling. Fugger!! It's back to the Dr. this afternoon.
My husband wants me to find a "real" doctor instead of hitting up the Minor Med folks again. Uh, no thanks. Real doctors want to establish some type of "relationship" with you. They look at your medical history and order tests and want to put you on daily meds and send you to therapy and do all kinds of shit that you don't have the time, money, or desire to do. Real doctors try to get in your business and suggest that you lose weight and get treated for your depression. Again, no thanks.
Basically, doctors have told me that the root of all my issues is my excess weight and if a problem is not directly connected to my weight then it is "in my head" and related to my depression. So, I am making myself sick. It's all my fault. If I was a better person, I would not get sick. I am flawed. Yadda, yadda, yadda. So no, I'm not ready to establish another "relationship" with a so-called authority figure that is just gonna make me feel shittier than before.
Fuckin' damn! The illness is back. The hacking, disgusting cough has returned with the sleeplessness and I-got-ran-over-by-a-truck feeling. Fugger!! It's back to the Dr. this afternoon.
My husband wants me to find a "real" doctor instead of hitting up the Minor Med folks again. Uh, no thanks. Real doctors want to establish some type of "relationship" with you. They look at your medical history and order tests and want to put you on daily meds and send you to therapy and do all kinds of shit that you don't have the time, money, or desire to do. Real doctors try to get in your business and suggest that you lose weight and get treated for your depression. Again, no thanks.
Basically, doctors have told me that the root of all my issues is my excess weight and if a problem is not directly connected to my weight then it is "in my head" and related to my depression. So, I am making myself sick. It's all my fault. If I was a better person, I would not get sick. I am flawed. Yadda, yadda, yadda. So no, I'm not ready to establish another "relationship" with a so-called authority figure that is just gonna make me feel shittier than before.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Bringin' the pain
Not much time to post right now, but I just want to throw it out that tomorrow, come hell or high water or free dessert on my doorstep, I'm gonna get SERIOUS about losing this weight. Hold me to it!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tattoo girl
As I read the inter-gossip regarding Sandy and Jesse and the tattooed home wrecker, I keep thinking that I want the kind of body tattoos look hot on. Oh, to be firm and smooth and decorated with beautiful jewel tones.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Time, oh time
Really, where DOES the f**in' time go? I have so many things I should and could be doing since I am unemployed, yet do I get anything done past the bare minimum?? That would be a big fat no...
Stressin', stressin', stressin'. I need a system, or a plan, or a deadline, or something to make me get my poop in a group. I used to be someone who worked 3 jobs and graduated college suma cum laude and really had her shit together. (Of course I was stressed out to the max and didn't have many friends and hardly ever got laid.) Now I have no real job (the tutoring gig is only 10 hours a week), can get laid as much as I want (believe me, husband is always up for a tumble) and do stuff with friends several times a week. Perhaps it's a trade-off?
This post is going in too many directions today. I'm gonna cut this off and go do SOMETHING so I at least get 1 thing off my to-do list.
Stressin', stressin', stressin'. I need a system, or a plan, or a deadline, or something to make me get my poop in a group. I used to be someone who worked 3 jobs and graduated college suma cum laude and really had her shit together. (Of course I was stressed out to the max and didn't have many friends and hardly ever got laid.) Now I have no real job (the tutoring gig is only 10 hours a week), can get laid as much as I want (believe me, husband is always up for a tumble) and do stuff with friends several times a week. Perhaps it's a trade-off?
This post is going in too many directions today. I'm gonna cut this off and go do SOMETHING so I at least get 1 thing off my to-do list.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
3 great things I learned today
1. They don't weigh you at the urgent care place! How awesome is that? Pretty damn awesome I say! I know better than an medical professional how fat I am due to obsessive daily weighings and visual assessment of fat rolls. Thanks for recognizing the benefits of not telling me that I need to lose 20 lbs while I am already feeling shitty. If this is a marketing ploy, whoever came up with it is certainly due a bonus in my book. They will be my first line of medical care from now on, based solely on this fact. AND, they gave me a Rx for codeine cough syrup! I can't wait to cuddle up with that tonight!!
2. I cooked Brussels sprouts today and found them to not suck. I don't know what the big deal is about. They tasted kinda like broccoli only stronger. I'm not saying they will become a daily staple, but I will buy them again.
3. Due to Kitty's stellar advice, I now have a way of knowing when I have achieved blog greatness--When I piss off enough folks that I am slapped with internet sanctions and a content warning. I have something to work towards now. Time to buy a chandelier so I can have crazy swinging sex and share, share, share.
2. I cooked Brussels sprouts today and found them to not suck. I don't know what the big deal is about. They tasted kinda like broccoli only stronger. I'm not saying they will become a daily staple, but I will buy them again.
3. Due to Kitty's stellar advice, I now have a way of knowing when I have achieved blog greatness--When I piss off enough folks that I am slapped with internet sanctions and a content warning. I have something to work towards now. Time to buy a chandelier so I can have crazy swinging sex and share, share, share.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Questions and ramblings
First off, should I add one of those content warning things since I swear so much? I guess I should, but I consider myself kinda tame to need a content warning. Perhaps if I add one I will become a sexy rock star or something interesting. Fake it 'til ya make it and all that.
Second, I am still sick (this shit-crap started LAST Friday) so I seriously think it is time to throw in the towel and seek medical help. Of course, the situation is complicated by the fact I don't have a doctor to go to. I didn't have insurance for 14 month due to the job loss and for years before that had insurance that changed every fucking year so I just quit trying to keep up with who and what is covered and all that. Yes, I have a pretty low opinion of the current state of medical affairs in the country, but that is shit I'm not getting into here and now. All I want is a quick trip to the urgent care and some drugs. I really just want to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. Oh, and not to be coughing like a TB patient. I'm hoping I can obtain those things tomorrow and not get sent into a rage over co-payments and other such bullshit.
Third, I could yammer on about the insane amount of $$ I have put on my credit cards ordering designer jeans that I know will be too small and have no intention of keeping, but frankly the lack of sleep is wearing me down and all I wanna do is go play Peggle. Yes folks, I am that lame. Ciao.
Second, I am still sick (this shit-crap started LAST Friday) so I seriously think it is time to throw in the towel and seek medical help. Of course, the situation is complicated by the fact I don't have a doctor to go to. I didn't have insurance for 14 month due to the job loss and for years before that had insurance that changed every fucking year so I just quit trying to keep up with who and what is covered and all that. Yes, I have a pretty low opinion of the current state of medical affairs in the country, but that is shit I'm not getting into here and now. All I want is a quick trip to the urgent care and some drugs. I really just want to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. Oh, and not to be coughing like a TB patient. I'm hoping I can obtain those things tomorrow and not get sent into a rage over co-payments and other such bullshit.
Third, I could yammer on about the insane amount of $$ I have put on my credit cards ordering designer jeans that I know will be too small and have no intention of keeping, but frankly the lack of sleep is wearing me down and all I wanna do is go play Peggle. Yes folks, I am that lame. Ciao.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
??
So, yesterday my husband tries to have a "talk" with me about my eating. Seems that my eating all the ice cream and chips has his skinny ass all bent and suddenly he's feeling the need to lecture me on portions and moderation and all that. W.T.F?!?! Like he knows jack-shit about nutrition. Like he doesn't sit down with a big bowl of ice cream every god-damned night his own self. Like he makes a comment about my stomach (which yes, is getting a little flabby) but says he "Doesn't want to make me mad." Excuse me?
Pissed me the fuck off, that's what he did.
So, to vent my anger I am no longer eating carbs of any sort and heading out for 2x daily workouts. And when, in 4 days, he starts whining "I never seeeee youuuuuuuu" I'm gonna flip him the bird.
And, the jerk told me a few minutes after getting up that he wants to bake cookies today. Huh? He calls me fat yesterday and then wants to fill my house with the aroma of baking cookies today? That is just fucking MEAN! But then, he is such a nutritional EXPERT....
Pissed me the fuck off, that's what he did.
So, to vent my anger I am no longer eating carbs of any sort and heading out for 2x daily workouts. And when, in 4 days, he starts whining "I never seeeee youuuuuuuu" I'm gonna flip him the bird.
And, the jerk told me a few minutes after getting up that he wants to bake cookies today. Huh? He calls me fat yesterday and then wants to fill my house with the aroma of baking cookies today? That is just fucking MEAN! But then, he is such a nutritional EXPERT....
Thursday, March 18, 2010
It's a beautiful day......
...cue Bono belting it out while wearing those glasses with colored lenses...
No really, it is beautiful here in T-town today. Sunshine and 60 degrees. Time for sunglasses and jackets, baby. I'm fighting the urge to take my wool coat to the cleaners since it is supposed to snow in 2 days. (Yeah, bummer.) I was riding around in the car with the sunroof open this afternoon. Hallelujah!
Took the dog on a nice long walk mid-morning. It was so great. I think that is one of the things I dread most about becoming employed full time, missing the 9 or 10 am perambles with the doggit. I guess I could look for an afternoon/evening gig. Not sure how that will work out with cutting into the hanging-out-with-the-husband-time, but I guess we will just see (1) if I get a job (2) what the hours are, and (3) if we are sick of each other by then.
I'm feeling better today. My cold is finally lessening and I am returning to the land of the living. I actually did some dishes and laundry. And I finally received payment for my first 3 weeks of tutoring. Yay for $$$!! (Can I go shopping now?)
I've relaxed quite a bit on the eating, but I'm not feeling too stressed about it at the moment. The cold has left me with less appetite than normal. (Of course, my normal state is constantly ravenous.) My weight has dropped a bit, and I plan to get back to exercise class tomorrow. (Gotta try out the new shoes that came last week.)
I'm thinking that I will give myself next week to get back in the exercise routine and then the first week of April I'll kick it in the pants with the diet.
Sorry for the boring, rambling nature of this post. Between the cold meds (pseudoephedreine, I heart you so much right now) and the nice day I'm feeling quite mellow. Don't worry, the angst will be back in a day or two like the alley cat that always craps in your convertible when you leave the top down.
No really, it is beautiful here in T-town today. Sunshine and 60 degrees. Time for sunglasses and jackets, baby. I'm fighting the urge to take my wool coat to the cleaners since it is supposed to snow in 2 days. (Yeah, bummer.) I was riding around in the car with the sunroof open this afternoon. Hallelujah!
Took the dog on a nice long walk mid-morning. It was so great. I think that is one of the things I dread most about becoming employed full time, missing the 9 or 10 am perambles with the doggit. I guess I could look for an afternoon/evening gig. Not sure how that will work out with cutting into the hanging-out-with-the-husband-time, but I guess we will just see (1) if I get a job (2) what the hours are, and (3) if we are sick of each other by then.
I'm feeling better today. My cold is finally lessening and I am returning to the land of the living. I actually did some dishes and laundry. And I finally received payment for my first 3 weeks of tutoring. Yay for $$$!! (Can I go shopping now?)
I've relaxed quite a bit on the eating, but I'm not feeling too stressed about it at the moment. The cold has left me with less appetite than normal. (Of course, my normal state is constantly ravenous.) My weight has dropped a bit, and I plan to get back to exercise class tomorrow. (Gotta try out the new shoes that came last week.)
I'm thinking that I will give myself next week to get back in the exercise routine and then the first week of April I'll kick it in the pants with the diet.
Sorry for the boring, rambling nature of this post. Between the cold meds (pseudoephedreine, I heart you so much right now) and the nice day I'm feeling quite mellow. Don't worry, the angst will be back in a day or two like the alley cat that always craps in your convertible when you leave the top down.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The "Fuck it" rant
Today, and for some time now, I have just felt like saying "Fuck it. I'm gonna give up the struggle and just be fat." It's not like I have any real reason to be skinny except for vanity. Heck, I met (and was screwing) my husband when I weighed over 200lbs. The wedding is over, I can't afford to buy new clothes, I'm not gonna be on any reality TV shows, and there is really no motivation for me not to throw in the towel.
I'm just sick of feeling like a shitty failure. I'm so MAD at myself for gaining back the 15lbs I lost before the wedding. But, at the same time I would rather do just about anything besides exercise and I just wanna eat what I want and not give a fuck!!!!!!!!!!
.......(ok, I know I won't really give up. But I'm just so frustrated with the struggle and, well, me. I just want to be who I want to be, but it is so friggin HARD to get there. And I'm sucking at it right now)............
I'm just sick of feeling like a shitty failure. I'm so MAD at myself for gaining back the 15lbs I lost before the wedding. But, at the same time I would rather do just about anything besides exercise and I just wanna eat what I want and not give a fuck!!!!!!!!!!
.......(ok, I know I won't really give up. But I'm just so frustrated with the struggle and, well, me. I just want to be who I want to be, but it is so friggin HARD to get there. And I'm sucking at it right now)............
Sunday, March 14, 2010
still sick, still on low carb
That's really all I have to report. Sniffing and coughing and I feel like a truck ran over me (not that I have actually been run over, but you get the idea.) Just going downstairs to get a drink is enough to make me need a nap.
I am feeling proud of myself, though. Always before when I got sick, I ended up throwing the low carb thing out the window. This time I am choosing to embrace the illness as a time to cleans and justifiably not eat. (Not that my husband cares if I am eating or not, but that is a subject for another day when my brain is firing on all cylinders and my wrists are not screaming as I type.)
We are hosting game night tomorrow evening and I had planned to spend the weekend cleaning like a banshee. Well, fuck that. To sick, to tired. These are my friends and they have all seen the place looking worse than it does right now so I say screw it. I'm gonna take a nap.
(And you can bet your asses that I will be "too sick to eat" tomorrow night, whether I am recovered or not. I plan to be too sick to eat for as long as I can milk it.)
I am feeling proud of myself, though. Always before when I got sick, I ended up throwing the low carb thing out the window. This time I am choosing to embrace the illness as a time to cleans and justifiably not eat. (Not that my husband cares if I am eating or not, but that is a subject for another day when my brain is firing on all cylinders and my wrists are not screaming as I type.)
We are hosting game night tomorrow evening and I had planned to spend the weekend cleaning like a banshee. Well, fuck that. To sick, to tired. These are my friends and they have all seen the place looking worse than it does right now so I say screw it. I'm gonna take a nap.
(And you can bet your asses that I will be "too sick to eat" tomorrow night, whether I am recovered or not. I plan to be too sick to eat for as long as I can milk it.)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
blah
So, I jump full-force onto the low carb bandwagon and wake up the next day with a horrific cold. Shee-it. But I'm hanging tough. Just broth and tea for me today. (And a few pork rinds and half an avocado. Girl's gotta have nourishment.)
My shipment of shoes arrived, so the 2x a day workouts can now begin. Yeah...gonna get right on that. As soon as the roving body aches go away and I can walk down stairs without crying.
And I'm out of my fav caffeine source, diet soda. The hubs was supposed to go get some, but instead decided to do some friggin' home-improvement project. Geez, he has only been putting it off for around 10 years, why pick NOW when I want something to get busy? Thanks for the support.
My shipment of shoes arrived, so the 2x a day workouts can now begin. Yeah...gonna get right on that. As soon as the roving body aches go away and I can walk down stairs without crying.
And I'm out of my fav caffeine source, diet soda. The hubs was supposed to go get some, but instead decided to do some friggin' home-improvement project. Geez, he has only been putting it off for around 10 years, why pick NOW when I want something to get busy? Thanks for the support.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The hunger
I am just so f**king HUNGRY!! All. The. Damn. Time.
I would like to believe this insatiability is due to the fact I am gestating an alien, but unless the alien is located in my thighs, I'm screwed.
Any help/tips/advice??
I would like to believe this insatiability is due to the fact I am gestating an alien, but unless the alien is located in my thighs, I'm screwed.
Any help/tips/advice??
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Sewing
I sewed something today. (OK I stitched some things together. No cutting or using the machine.) My fingers are sore and I am tired but I actually completed a task that makes me feel good and like I accomplished something. Go me!
And some other stuff happened, but I gotta get to bed. So, so....tired....
And some other stuff happened, but I gotta get to bed. So, so....tired....
Friday, March 5, 2010
WTF?
The washing machine straight up ate one of my shirts today. It has holes in the front and there is no way it can now be worn for anything except yard work or painting. And, it was one of the few office-appropriate clothes I have left. Perhaps the universe is telling me to scrap the job hunt and get out there and work on my house or yard? I like it, but umm, Universe, can you please explain that to my husband?? Thanks.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Work and shit
So, first off. How can working only 10 hours a week suck up all my time? I feel nearly as frazzled and behind as when I was workin 40 hours a week. I am seriously out of shape in regards to this work-for-pay thing. I am pondering finding a full-time gig since, if I'm gonna be behind and stressed and have no time to do what I want, I might as well be making more than $100 a week doing it.
Second, the fuckin' trash company that hosed up my car is now jerkin me around. I gotta go get some paper f--in NOTARISED and send it back and THEN they will mail me a check and my car is going onto the shop on MONDAY and it took them FOREVER to get me the f--in paper so how the F--- long will it take to get the stupid check?!?!? PLUS, I still have not gotten confirmation on the rental car. These people SUCK. I'm glad they are not my trash company or I would have to drop them. F---ers!!
Oh, and the diet? That would be a total fail right now. Crap.
Second, the fuckin' trash company that hosed up my car is now jerkin me around. I gotta go get some paper f--in NOTARISED and send it back and THEN they will mail me a check and my car is going onto the shop on MONDAY and it took them FOREVER to get me the f--in paper so how the F--- long will it take to get the stupid check?!?!? PLUS, I still have not gotten confirmation on the rental car. These people SUCK. I'm glad they are not my trash company or I would have to drop them. F---ers!!
Oh, and the diet? That would be a total fail right now. Crap.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Feelin' the luv
First off, a big shout out to K at Skinny (sorry, I don't know how to add links and I'm too lazy right now to figure it out) for the endorsement. I love her blog, too. Smoochy, smooch, sending internet luv your way K!
Ok, on with the show. I finally went grocery shopping today and bought food. I had been holding out for a few weeks to get the fridge and pantry cleaned out. We now have no rice, pasta, or potatoes in the house and I plan to keep it that way as long as possible. I got salad stuff and other low-carb staples, plus a bunch of crap food (chocolate bars, chips, etc.) for my hubby. Oh, and I did buy a mini-cake 'cuz today is our 2-month anniversary, and it was on sale. A girl needs a last hurrah, right?
So, starting tomorrow, I'm really gonna get my act together. It has been 2 months since the wedding and I have gained about 12lbs and am barely squeezing into my jeans. Starting tommorow its low-carb for as long as I can do it, then carb rotation (2 low-carb days and 1 high day) until I "find half" and reach my goal. I'm also gonna get back to the 2x daily workouts and water drinking. I need some new workout shoes really badly, so I can't do the 2-a-days until I get that issue taken care of. (You only have 2 knees, and life's a bitch if you blow them out.)
Since I'm feeling nostalgic, I'm gonna post some pics of me from the wedding. Please be kind. I was 138 in these pics and my goal weight at the time was 135. Now, after evaluating how I looked, I have decided on a new goal weight of 119.
I gotta go walk the dog and wash dishes as hubby invited people over later. I would like to just sit on the couch and blog all night, but I gotta be social.
Ok, on with the show. I finally went grocery shopping today and bought food. I had been holding out for a few weeks to get the fridge and pantry cleaned out. We now have no rice, pasta, or potatoes in the house and I plan to keep it that way as long as possible. I got salad stuff and other low-carb staples, plus a bunch of crap food (chocolate bars, chips, etc.) for my hubby. Oh, and I did buy a mini-cake 'cuz today is our 2-month anniversary, and it was on sale. A girl needs a last hurrah, right?
So, starting tomorrow, I'm really gonna get my act together. It has been 2 months since the wedding and I have gained about 12lbs and am barely squeezing into my jeans. Starting tommorow its low-carb for as long as I can do it, then carb rotation (2 low-carb days and 1 high day) until I "find half" and reach my goal. I'm also gonna get back to the 2x daily workouts and water drinking. I need some new workout shoes really badly, so I can't do the 2-a-days until I get that issue taken care of. (You only have 2 knees, and life's a bitch if you blow them out.)
Since I'm feeling nostalgic, I'm gonna post some pics of me from the wedding. Please be kind. I was 138 in these pics and my goal weight at the time was 135. Now, after evaluating how I looked, I have decided on a new goal weight of 119.
I gotta go walk the dog and wash dishes as hubby invited people over later. I would like to just sit on the couch and blog all night, but I gotta be social.
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