Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Circling the drain
I am depressed. I have had varying degrees of depression all my life, so I KNOW what's happening. I have been slipping for a long time now. I wake up with a stomach ache and I just want to cry, go back to sleep, to stay in bed all day, to never leave the house. What's the point? I have no job, no one wants to hire me, I'm not qualified for anything. I hate my body, I hate myself for gaining back the weight I lost last year. I don't enjoy having sex with my husband, I don't enjoy working out, I don't enjoy anything any more. I can't get my shit together enough to take a bath, let alone apply for jobs or remodel my house or do any of the stuff everyone seems to expect me to do.
I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My husband has his own issues, and somehow whenever I try to talk about my sadness, he turns it around so it's about him. My friends are all busy with their jobs and families and I don't want to bring them down. They can't fix me, and it isn't their job to anyway. I am the broken link in this equation.
I know I need help. I know I need medication. I know what I should do, but it's just too overwhelming at this point to pick up the phone and start the process. I have not seen a counselor or psychiatrist in over 14 years. I have not been to the doctor in over 6 years (except for Med-assist. I fucking hate the medical establishment and have done my best not to interface with them at all.)
I am in a really bad place right now. I have been bawling on and off all morning. I am too overwhelmed to take any positive action right now and I feel so alone. Any supportive you have to offer would be most welcome.
I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My husband has his own issues, and somehow whenever I try to talk about my sadness, he turns it around so it's about him. My friends are all busy with their jobs and families and I don't want to bring them down. They can't fix me, and it isn't their job to anyway. I am the broken link in this equation.
I know I need help. I know I need medication. I know what I should do, but it's just too overwhelming at this point to pick up the phone and start the process. I have not seen a counselor or psychiatrist in over 14 years. I have not been to the doctor in over 6 years (except for Med-assist. I fucking hate the medical establishment and have done my best not to interface with them at all.)
I am in a really bad place right now. I have been bawling on and off all morning. I am too overwhelmed to take any positive action right now and I feel so alone. Any supportive you have to offer would be most welcome.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Life lessons from a garage sale
Background: I have spent the better part of the last week prepping for and working a friend's garage sale. She is cleaning out her 88-year-old father's house in preparation for remodeling so in a year (give or take) they can put the house on the market and move him to some type of assisted living situation.
Life lesson learned: People have too much crap. Clothes, furniture, trinkets, knick-knacks, craft supplies, towels, dishes, free gifts that are just junk, this, that, everything.... It's all just crap. And eventually you will have to deal with getting rid of it and you will realize the painful fact that this "stuff" you have worked for and bought and saved and kept and dusted and insured and stored and moved from house to house and hung on to for days or years or even a lifetime is really not worth anything to anyone.
The moral of the story: "Don't buy it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with it and it will suck."
How this relates to ED: I'm hoping my days of binging and purging are coming to an end. I want to take the lesson of "stuff" and apply it to food. As in "Don't eat it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with the fat this food will put on your body, and it will suck." This is my new mantra.
Life lesson learned: People have too much crap. Clothes, furniture, trinkets, knick-knacks, craft supplies, towels, dishes, free gifts that are just junk, this, that, everything.... It's all just crap. And eventually you will have to deal with getting rid of it and you will realize the painful fact that this "stuff" you have worked for and bought and saved and kept and dusted and insured and stored and moved from house to house and hung on to for days or years or even a lifetime is really not worth anything to anyone.
The moral of the story: "Don't buy it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with it and it will suck."
How this relates to ED: I'm hoping my days of binging and purging are coming to an end. I want to take the lesson of "stuff" and apply it to food. As in "Don't eat it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with the fat this food will put on your body, and it will suck." This is my new mantra.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The depression is hitting hard today
I'm trying to work up the courage to call my uber-successful aunt who has said before she may have a line on a job for me. I know I should. I don't have any other job prospects and my self-confidence is at an all-time low. I just don't feel like I have the skills to do anything at this point. I don't have the qualifications for anything. My degree I spent 5 years getting and 10 years paying for doesn't carry much weight at this point. I am a loser. (Except for weight...I can't lose any of that, har-har.)
Sigh....
Sigh....
Saturday, June 19, 2010
State of the union
Oh husband, right now I think it is just great that I can be purging in the downstairs bathroom and you are upstairs on the computer oblivious to everything. Although I am scared that I may eventually look back upon this time in our marriage and resent how truly self-absorbed you can be.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Some adorableness
As a treat for you all who edure my yammering on about my boring life, I reward you with pictures of my super-cute dog.
Her name is Emmy. She is 6 years old. I love her so freakin much it is insane.
As you can see, she is little (weighs 8 lbs.) and lazy. She lays around a lot.
She is so cute. I can deny her nothing...
Her name is Emmy. She is 6 years old. I love her so freakin much it is insane.
As you can see, she is little (weighs 8 lbs.) and lazy. She lays around a lot.
She is so cute. I can deny her nothing...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thursday update
Today had some good and some not good parts. I guess that works out to an average day.
The good: Did back-to-back aerobic classes this morning.
Drank 2 liters of water.
Took a nap in the afternoon and cuddled my dog.
The bad: A total stranger got on me about dog crap in his yard. My dog was not even crapping, she was just walkin her slow ass thru his grass. Fucker. Makes me want to fill his yard with stinky dog shit.
I didn't get any of the job apps in. I guess there is always tomorrow. I just can't get motivated to open myself up for more rejection.
Ate too much at breakfast and lunch, had a mini-binge in the afternoon and then remedied the situation with a little purging. I figure I've got the skill, I might as well use it. Then I took more pills and have had only a little snack and coffee since the purge.
Tomorrow I seriously need to get on it with the jobs and I need to go to the mall to pay a bill. I may buy some more tank tops and then I seriously need to shut down the spending. I have spent $140 on clothes in less than a week. (Not much to some of you, but then you have jobs and such...)
I'm not sure what the exercise or eating situation will turn out like. Hubby has invited a friend and his gf over in the evening, so I won't be doing my run if that happens. (This friend is notorious for making plans and bailing.) I will still go to aerobics in the morning so that will get me an hour of exercise. I thought about getting up early to run before class but that isn't really in the cards. I'm trying to do strenuous exercise morning and evening to keep my metabolism up. Plus my left knee is feeling a little twingey so I prolly should rest it.
And we are supposed to order Chinese when/if they come over. I may just fast all day so I can eat and enjoy it knowing it is my only calories for the day. Of course, that goes against my natural desire to eat the majority of my calories in the morning, but then again I won't get skinny if I follow my natural desires, will I?
The good: Did back-to-back aerobic classes this morning.
Drank 2 liters of water.
Took a nap in the afternoon and cuddled my dog.
The bad: A total stranger got on me about dog crap in his yard. My dog was not even crapping, she was just walkin her slow ass thru his grass. Fucker. Makes me want to fill his yard with stinky dog shit.
I didn't get any of the job apps in. I guess there is always tomorrow. I just can't get motivated to open myself up for more rejection.
Ate too much at breakfast and lunch, had a mini-binge in the afternoon and then remedied the situation with a little purging. I figure I've got the skill, I might as well use it. Then I took more pills and have had only a little snack and coffee since the purge.
Tomorrow I seriously need to get on it with the jobs and I need to go to the mall to pay a bill. I may buy some more tank tops and then I seriously need to shut down the spending. I have spent $140 on clothes in less than a week. (Not much to some of you, but then you have jobs and such...)
I'm not sure what the exercise or eating situation will turn out like. Hubby has invited a friend and his gf over in the evening, so I won't be doing my run if that happens. (This friend is notorious for making plans and bailing.) I will still go to aerobics in the morning so that will get me an hour of exercise. I thought about getting up early to run before class but that isn't really in the cards. I'm trying to do strenuous exercise morning and evening to keep my metabolism up. Plus my left knee is feeling a little twingey so I prolly should rest it.
And we are supposed to order Chinese when/if they come over. I may just fast all day so I can eat and enjoy it knowing it is my only calories for the day. Of course, that goes against my natural desire to eat the majority of my calories in the morning, but then again I won't get skinny if I follow my natural desires, will I?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Reporting in
I did do a lot better today. No b/p so big snaps up for that.
Made it to morning aerobics class.
Bought craft items at a discount store and am stoked to get into the craft room and use them.
Ate half of what I normally would for breakfast, had a salad for lunch, and only 3 bites of husband's sandwich for dinner. Plus coffee and 2 little snacks during the day. (This restriction is diet-pill aided. Is it cheating? Maybe, but I need a boost to get me going.)
I went for a run/walk this evening. Ok, more walk than run but I am increasing the number of blocks I run v. ones I walk each time. I nearly chickened out because when I got to the area I run in, there were lots of cars. I started freaking out thinking how folks were gonna see my fat jiggling and I didn't have my cute dog along to distract them. (She has a sore foot and is recuperating for a few weeks.) I really wanted to bail, but I told myself that the only way to get this jiggly fat off is to "do it." So I did it. Yay me.
When I got home, husband was just leaving to take the dog for a walk and I went along because he asked me to. I resisted my first impulse the flop on the couch and let them go alone. So I got a little more exercise. Yay me again.
While we were out walking, husband told me I looked "damn good these past few days in my new clothes" so that made me feel good. I mean, it sucks that I have not attained my goal of fitting into those smaller things I have, but it is nice to know I am looking good to hubby while endeavoring to "under grow" those new items. Plus, I do think loser clothes make you look thinner. Like, not so huge they look balloon-ish, but skin tight is just not flattering to anyone who doesn't have good muscle tone and LOW body fat. Maria Carey was the perfect example of this in the 90s. I always thought she would not look as fat if she just bought clothes a size bigger. Now she really does need to lose a few pounds, but she's married and happy and getting older and I can't fault her for being in the exact same situation I am in, now can I?
So that's a recap of my pretty good day. (Oh, and the dead birds are gone so husband is safe from my wrath. And I drank 2+ liters of water today.) I must get to bed before the diet pills wear off and the hunger returns. Tomorrow I am putting in apps for 8 jobs. Wish me luck...
Made it to morning aerobics class.
Bought craft items at a discount store and am stoked to get into the craft room and use them.
Ate half of what I normally would for breakfast, had a salad for lunch, and only 3 bites of husband's sandwich for dinner. Plus coffee and 2 little snacks during the day. (This restriction is diet-pill aided. Is it cheating? Maybe, but I need a boost to get me going.)
I went for a run/walk this evening. Ok, more walk than run but I am increasing the number of blocks I run v. ones I walk each time. I nearly chickened out because when I got to the area I run in, there were lots of cars. I started freaking out thinking how folks were gonna see my fat jiggling and I didn't have my cute dog along to distract them. (She has a sore foot and is recuperating for a few weeks.) I really wanted to bail, but I told myself that the only way to get this jiggly fat off is to "do it." So I did it. Yay me.
When I got home, husband was just leaving to take the dog for a walk and I went along because he asked me to. I resisted my first impulse the flop on the couch and let them go alone. So I got a little more exercise. Yay me again.
While we were out walking, husband told me I looked "damn good these past few days in my new clothes" so that made me feel good. I mean, it sucks that I have not attained my goal of fitting into those smaller things I have, but it is nice to know I am looking good to hubby while endeavoring to "under grow" those new items. Plus, I do think loser clothes make you look thinner. Like, not so huge they look balloon-ish, but skin tight is just not flattering to anyone who doesn't have good muscle tone and LOW body fat. Maria Carey was the perfect example of this in the 90s. I always thought she would not look as fat if she just bought clothes a size bigger. Now she really does need to lose a few pounds, but she's married and happy and getting older and I can't fault her for being in the exact same situation I am in, now can I?
So that's a recap of my pretty good day. (Oh, and the dead birds are gone so husband is safe from my wrath. And I drank 2+ liters of water today.) I must get to bed before the diet pills wear off and the hunger returns. Tomorrow I am putting in apps for 8 jobs. Wish me luck...
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Tuseday blither
I have lots rattling around in my brain, but I don't know how much I'll get out before I lose interest or if it will be worth reading for anyone. But it's my blog, and I can bore you to tears if I wanna.
The good: Got some new clothes for cheap this weekend. So my fat ass is covered in a stylish manner and I can go out in public without a 2-hour freak-out about what I'm gonna wear.
The bad: A cat has taken up residence on our front porch and is amassing a lovely collection of decapitated bird carcases. I sweetly mentioned to my husband 2 days ago that I would like them gone. As of this morning they are still there. Guess it's time to get the bitch out and MAKE him get rid of them.
The ugly: I have skipped morning workout on the pretense of cleaning house and instead spent most of the time stuffing my face with graham crackers. I have also eaten pasta salad and cooked a pizza. Yes, there is purging in my near future. I promise I really will try to do better tomorrow...
The good: Got some new clothes for cheap this weekend. So my fat ass is covered in a stylish manner and I can go out in public without a 2-hour freak-out about what I'm gonna wear.
The bad: A cat has taken up residence on our front porch and is amassing a lovely collection of decapitated bird carcases. I sweetly mentioned to my husband 2 days ago that I would like them gone. As of this morning they are still there. Guess it's time to get the bitch out and MAKE him get rid of them.
The ugly: I have skipped morning workout on the pretense of cleaning house and instead spent most of the time stuffing my face with graham crackers. I have also eaten pasta salad and cooked a pizza. Yes, there is purging in my near future. I promise I really will try to do better tomorrow...
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Less eating, more doing
That's the plan for this week. I'm shutting off my brain, shutting my mouth, and just gonna do what it takes to keep myself busy and sane. No calorie counting, no getting on the scale. Lots of exercising, lots of moving, doing, being.
I'm sick of sitting around and being miserable. I think I use food in part to "gear myself down" from my natural kinda flighty state. When I don't eat a lot, I have a high energy level but need to "do" stuff. When I sit, I get antsy and the best way to cure that is to eat something. If I eat enough, I can get into a sort of "food coma" and just while away the hours doing not much of anything.
Well, no more!! No more sitting, eating, and gaining! Get out the way folks! I'm gonna unleash my natural energy and really get some shit DONE!
I'm sick of sitting around and being miserable. I think I use food in part to "gear myself down" from my natural kinda flighty state. When I don't eat a lot, I have a high energy level but need to "do" stuff. When I sit, I get antsy and the best way to cure that is to eat something. If I eat enough, I can get into a sort of "food coma" and just while away the hours doing not much of anything.
Well, no more!! No more sitting, eating, and gaining! Get out the way folks! I'm gonna unleash my natural energy and really get some shit DONE!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thrift store no-no
If you get your period and stain your cute pajama bottoms, please do not donate them to the thrift store. Some unsuspecting person will come along and excitedly pull them off the rack, only to be subjected to your menstrual remnants. Even though you obviously washed them, if the stain is still visible in any way, just throw them out. Please and thank you.
Tomorrow is...
Tomorrow is the 8-year anniversary of my father's death. I am missing him a lot lately. Fucking cancer...
We were very close. Some times so close that we drove each other nuts. Sometimes he was an asshole. Sometimes I was a manipulative little bitch. But I loved him so much and he taught me so much and he is really the reason I am the person I am today.
I have this flash of memory from my wedding day that I have never shared with anyone. The rest of the wedding party had walked into they sanctuary and it was my turn. The music changed and the wedding coordinator looked at me and said "Are you ready?" As I looked at the door I was about to walk through, this thought cracked across my brain
"I wish my Dad was here"
And that's all I really have to say today.
We were very close. Some times so close that we drove each other nuts. Sometimes he was an asshole. Sometimes I was a manipulative little bitch. But I loved him so much and he taught me so much and he is really the reason I am the person I am today.
I have this flash of memory from my wedding day that I have never shared with anyone. The rest of the wedding party had walked into they sanctuary and it was my turn. The music changed and the wedding coordinator looked at me and said "Are you ready?" As I looked at the door I was about to walk through, this thought cracked across my brain
"I wish my Dad was here"
And that's all I really have to say today.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
WTF?
So, I've been limiting my calories to betwen 1000 and 1200 a day, I've been working out twice a day, drinking 2 liters of water a day and........I've GAINED 2 POUNDS!! Fuck my life.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Stop the self-hate?
The thought flitted across my mind today that "it doesn't matter what I do diet-wise as long as I don't hate myself any more." I contemplated embarking on a serious endeavor to change my ways and stop the internal beat-downs I give myself on an hourly basis. But then I realized that self-hate is one of the most valuable tools I have in my motivational arsenal. Don't think I can give that up any time soon...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Panic at my disco
Yesterday my skinny friend tells me she wants to treat myself, my skinny husband, and her skinny boyfriend to a day at the water park soon. My reaction is immediate and total internal PANIC!! I will stick out like a sore thumb among these 3 twiggy folks. (A short, fat, cellulite-riddled thumb. Ick!)
So, do I come home and start a fast or go run for a few miles? Hell no! I order Chinese food an pig the fuck out. Great choice there, self.
Starting tomorrow I am keeping a food journal (done it before, hate it), tracking my calories, working out 2x a day, and drinking 2 litres of water--NO MATTER WHAT! I have to step it up if I'm gonna hang with these skinny bitches.
So, do I come home and start a fast or go run for a few miles? Hell no! I order Chinese food an pig the fuck out. Great choice there, self.
Starting tomorrow I am keeping a food journal (done it before, hate it), tracking my calories, working out 2x a day, and drinking 2 litres of water--NO MATTER WHAT! I have to step it up if I'm gonna hang with these skinny bitches.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Dear husband,
It really annoys me the way you forget things I tell you. Like how I told you 3 times yesterday that I was meeting someone at 5pm today, and then you call this morning and tell me you made plans for us right after work! I know you honestly don't do it on purpose, but it pisses me off because it makes me feel unimportant and let's me know I am wasting my time by telling you things. I wish you would pay better attention, lay of the fucking weed, or write down the shit I tell you!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Crankypants, size Medium-point-five please
So, the shopping that was intended to relieve my cranky mood turned into a combination of running errands and finding multiple opportunities to be annoyed whilst nearly being involved in several traffic accidents.
First annoyance: The consignment store only took half of the clothes I took in. And I'm perplexed as some of the pieces they rejected were really nice office clothes of the type that are usually snapped up right away. These are too big items that I am happy to part with. I've already tried to sell these things at 2 garage sales, lowering the prices to practically nothing, but no takers. Fuggers! I have one more garage sale to try at the end of the month and then I will decide if I want to try Craigslisting them, altering them smaller (prolly not gonna do that...I want new shit, not fashion re-runs) or just giving them to charity.
Next annoyance: I am stuck in the clothing badlands where nothing fits. I have sold (most)everything I own that is too big (except for those annoying remnants mentioned above) and have a closet 3/4 full of stuff that is too small that I figure will fit ok when I lose another 10 lbs. Unfortunately, it seems that Jesus may show up before I can get into my summer clothes. So, whilst we wait for the second coming, I have very little to wear and just wanna buy a new t-shirt or two and can't for the life of me fucking find one that fits! I am too big for most Mediums, too small for Larges. If someone made Medium.5 they would be getting my money right now.
Last annoyance: Scale. Is. Not. Moving. And. I. Just. Wanna. Give. Up. I am fucking sore from working out and fighting the urge to snack so much my teeth hurt. Serious white-knuckling today folks. My stomach is sloshy-full of salad, water, and diet soda, but it's taking all my strength not to dive into a binge head-first.
At least I got my library books returned and the box dropped off at UPS. I'll hang on to that while I chew gum and surf my fav shopping sites in search of the perfect pair of crankypants.
First annoyance: The consignment store only took half of the clothes I took in. And I'm perplexed as some of the pieces they rejected were really nice office clothes of the type that are usually snapped up right away. These are too big items that I am happy to part with. I've already tried to sell these things at 2 garage sales, lowering the prices to practically nothing, but no takers. Fuggers! I have one more garage sale to try at the end of the month and then I will decide if I want to try Craigslisting them, altering them smaller (prolly not gonna do that...I want new shit, not fashion re-runs) or just giving them to charity.
Next annoyance: I am stuck in the clothing badlands where nothing fits. I have sold (most)everything I own that is too big (except for those annoying remnants mentioned above) and have a closet 3/4 full of stuff that is too small that I figure will fit ok when I lose another 10 lbs. Unfortunately, it seems that Jesus may show up before I can get into my summer clothes. So, whilst we wait for the second coming, I have very little to wear and just wanna buy a new t-shirt or two and can't for the life of me fucking find one that fits! I am too big for most Mediums, too small for Larges. If someone made Medium.5 they would be getting my money right now.
Last annoyance: Scale. Is. Not. Moving. And. I. Just. Wanna. Give. Up. I am fucking sore from working out and fighting the urge to snack so much my teeth hurt. Serious white-knuckling today folks. My stomach is sloshy-full of salad, water, and diet soda, but it's taking all my strength not to dive into a binge head-first.
At least I got my library books returned and the box dropped off at UPS. I'll hang on to that while I chew gum and surf my fav shopping sites in search of the perfect pair of crankypants.
Bleh
I weighed in today and registered a 4 pound loss from whenever the heck it was since I had the guts to get on the scale last. Yay for that and all, but I'm not happy 'cuz I did the math and realized I'm 35lbs from my goal weight. FUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKK. I wish this stupid fat would just leave the building!! Damn my strong survival instincts. I just wanna be skinny!
I'm so depressed, I think I'll go shopping. At least that way I won't be moping around at home and tempted to binge.
I'm so depressed, I think I'll go shopping. At least that way I won't be moping around at home and tempted to binge.
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