Baby steps

Hey yall! I'm so proud of myself I have to brag. I made it thru the day yesterday having eaten nothing in preparation for the cookout. Then, I ate normal portions and didn't go nuts and binge and then purge later. Yay for freakin' me!! I'm on a role, my goal for today is 600 cals and I'm on track for that. (Had a small salad in the late afternoon and will have oatmeal for dinner.)

I won't lie, I have had moments of weakness, but I thought of you all and chugged my water and have soldiered on. I'm finding that it is just easier to not eat than have to fight the hunger pangs that come 2-4 hours after eating. Thank you all for inspiring me and showing me it is possible.

Progress

Yesterday I consumed only 1000 calories and worked out, drank my entire bottle of water and had veggies at 2 of my 3 meals. Today I am on track to have 1200 cals and have already worked out and taken the dog on a long walk. I have a raging headache as I ended up going 8 hours without eating after locking my keys in the car and having to deal with that. I got dehydrated and that played a part in it too.

Tomorrow I doubt I will get a workout except walking the dog. I plan to fast all day as I am going to a cookout tomorrow night and would like to eat a meal with my friends, including dessert. My calorie goal for the day is 1400.

Thursday I have a job interview (wish me luck) and plan to eat only 600 cal. I know I can do it as I will be busy and prolly stressed for most of the day. Friday my goal is 800. I'm trying my own 2-4-6-8 plan with way more cals as I am trying to move from being a dedicated binger to a dedicated starver. My daily cals are 1200, 1400, 600, 800, then decide where to go from there.

Today I bought a pair of "fat pants" at Target to wear at the interview. I am sad, disgusted, and pissed off to have to do it, but my self confidence would not be spot on if I had to wear the sausage-casings in my closet that are passing for pants while trying to get those people to give me a job. Seriously, I was wearing sweats all weekend as that is all I own that fits. I figure it's $15 well spent if I get the job, and if not, I will eventually have another pair of baggy pants to lounge in once I starve this fat off my ass.

Goodbye food

I don't need you any more. After those awful FB pictures my friend posted where I look all chunky and bloated, I have finally realized what you have done to me. Telling me "I need you," "I'm good for you" and "I can't live without you" while dragging me pound by pound away from my goal. You suck! I don't wanna be that chunky, pudgy, doughy gal any more. I finally know now that I deserve better so buh-BYE! I can totally make it without you! Other's do it every day. I am strong. I see through you. You are nothing to me.

(And when my stomach is all twisted up and burning from emptiness and I'm about to pass out, standing with my head in the fridge doing the diet equivalent of a drunk-dial, I'm gonna think of those designer jeans and tank-tops I want to wear this summer and I'm gonna tell you to step the FUCK OFF!!)

Down in a hole

I'm currently in a PMS induced eating-frenzy, but otherwise accomplishing lots around the house an on the job-search front. So I'm riding the wave. Will crawl my fat ass out of this pastry-filled hole in a few days...

Stay strong, loves, 'cuz I'm sure not right now...

Down 2

Scale says I'm down 2 pounds despite this weekends binge(s). (Yep there were two binges. Gotta put it out there as I believe in truthful blogging.) I'm hoping its an actual loss and not just dehydration. Time will tell.

This weeks goals are to make it to 4 Jazzercise classes (ended up only doing 3 last week) and drink 32oz of water daily. Now I know 32oz is not even close to the recommended 9-million gallons you are supposed to drink for optimum health. But whatever, 32oz will be a stretch for me. I used to be really good with the water, only having 1 or 2 sodas a day, never touching coffee, and only drinking water the rest of the time. Now I drink coffee, and soda, and maybe 2 glasses of water a day. I guess I just got burned out on water (ha ha, sorta funny if you actually think about it...or maybe just lame). And I don't like those flavored water additives like Crystal Light and such. (I just wanna drink Diet Dr. Pepper!!!) Plus, those flavored water things seem to make me retain water like if I had a salty meal and I wake up the next day all puffy. Homey don't wanna wake up puffy and homey don't wanna drink that darn flavored water!

Also, totally need to get on that whole "find a job, bitch" thing. Perhaps I will give myself $5 to spend guilt-free for every application I put in. We will see how it goes...

Post-blow up

Why do "they" always say that when you are angry it is good to "get it out there" and "express yourself" and "say what you need to say"??

When I display anger or other emotions I just leave feeling shattered, exposed, and weak.

And nothing ever changes anyway.........

Just because...

Just because I was phoning it in at tutoring today and my student missed six points on the quiz.......I am not a bad person.

Just because my house is littered with 32 and 44oz Styrofoam cups because fountain Diet Dr. Pepper is my new crack.........I am not a bad person.

Just because my dog needs a bath and a toenail trim and is scratching like she has fleas.......I am not a bad person.

Just because I gave my horrible bronchial illness and cough-from-hell to my mother.......I am not a bad person.

Just because I have a UTI and have to pee about 6-million times a day.......I am not a bad person.

Just because my check did not come in the mail today and I have $2 and change in my purse for the weekend.........I am not a bad person.

Just because I don't wanna go camping when it is damp and windy and 38 degrees.......I am not a bad person. (This one's for you, husband.)

Just because I spent my free time this past week shopping and playing Farmville instead of applying for jobs.......I am not a bad person.

Just because I spent over $50 on clothes this week........I am not a bad person.

Just because I skipped workout today...........I am not a bad person.

Just because I ate rice and sausage today.....I am not a bad person.

Just because I ate a bagel......I am not a bad person.

Just because I binged and purged today..........I AM NOT A BAD PERSON.

Good day repeated

So, today I made it to my second Jazzercise of the week. (No sweat on the floor tonight but I was ringing wet after and I was standing under a fan so I'm chalking it up to that.) My meals got kinda out of sync as I actually ate breakfast so was not hungry for lunch and then starving after work. But I just gritted my teeth and drank my protein shake and went to workout. Snaps up for that!

Tonight I'm making another salad for dinner. I like my hubs working late as I can eat what I want and its very freeing not to have him around at mealtime. In some ways he's just as fucked about food as I am but the other way, he's one of those folks who honest to god forgets to eat. It's just so frustrating to hear him say at 5 o'clock "Man, I'm hungry, I haven't eaten all day..." and then he gets going on a game or project and finally eats about 9pm. Fucker. I so wanna be like him in regards to food. He also looses his appetite when he gets stressed or upset. WTF?!?! I binge when stressed or upset. I guess we are a perfect pair. Anyway, sorry for the husband tangent. What I'm really trying to say is that ever since his lecture about the ice cream a few weeks ago I have felt weird eating around him. I eat my meals alone in the kitchen so he doesn't see what or how much I eat. It may be wrong, but it's just easier for me to deal with it this way.

Anyway, back to the good stuff! I also refused dinner at Olive Garden with my mom tonight. She is in town for meetings and called as she and her co-worker were on the way to the restaurant. Thank god I worked out as I was sweaty and gross and on my way home (which is on the other side of town from O.G.) so I used that to beg off. Plus meals out are not in the budget, but I didn't have to use that excuse. I thought about going for a split second and "just having salad" but we all know how that would have turned out. I would have caved and ordered pasta and binged or been good and then been pissed watching them eat the yummy food and come home and binged. Possible outcomes of entering restaurant? Fail or fail. So I feel good that I just said "NO" (like Ms. Reagan taught us in the 80s--har, har) and came on home.

Tomorrow I may try Auden's suggestion (sorry, I don't know how to add links but check her blog out as I am a follower) and fast for just a day. I'm gonna be in the car for 5 hours and will not be doing any strenuous exercise so it seems a good time to try. I might have to eat breakfast though, we will see.

Good day

I've got some good stuff to report today! Weighed in at 151 so yesterday's high weight was just a blip. Yay!

Also, went to Jazzercise and worked out so hard there were 2 sweat drips on the floor where I was standing. I luv, luv, luv a good hard sweat! There is a song we do in class where we are punching, kicking, and hopping to fast-paced, thumping music. It makes me feel like a friggin' Amazon! Or whatever the 5'2" equivalent to an Amazon is as I am a shorty--for real ya'll!

Also, tasty salads for lunch and dinner today! Plus I am gonna try a new healthy recipe soon.

One sad thing...My fav pair of designer jeans (ok, the only pair I have owned--ever!and only because I found them at a re-diculously low price) have to be put down as they have a hole that can't be fixed. They are wearing out on the inside seam of the thigh as my super-massive, manga-super girl, huge, speed skater thighs rub and have worn them the fuck out. BAAHHHH!!! I hate you thighs! And I know you will always be with me as even when I was an anorexic high-school freshman who weighed 105lbs and was a size 3, my thighs were still huge in relation to the rest of me. Basically, no matter what size I am, my thighs measure about 5 inches smaller than my waist. Try finding pants to fit that. As I told the lady fitting my wedding dress, my waist is a size 8, hips are a 10, and thighs are a 12. If I ever come across a spare $20,000 I am having thigh lipo and skin removal.

Sorry for the rant, it's been a good day besides the jeans issue. If anyone has any ideas on finding jeans for "super-thighs" please let me know.

Reporting in

I weighed in at 151 yesterday and was happy, happy. Then today weighed in at 155 and am certainly not happy. I kept my calories to 1341 and this is how you reward me, scale? You suck.

Today it's off to the store to buy lots of veggies for salads. I have fish to make for dinner. I'm really, really trying...

update

So far this week I am proud to say I have had five days low carb and attended 2 exercise classes. (Normally 2 classes is freakin' pitiful for me, but I'm still recovering from "the illness." Fuckin' cough just won't go away.)

Tomorrow is official weigh/measure day and calorie counting begins. I can't decide if I should use 1200 or 1400 cals as my daily target. Jillian Michaels says my count should be 14644. Not that I have actually asked her, but doing the basal metabolic calculation she recommends that's what my numbers come out to. But, there are millions of WW folks who use points which--by the end when you are close to goal--work out to being roughly 1200 a day. (I watched a podcast in which a WW blogger explained some of the secret points formula.)

Anyway, I was more fired up about this earlier in the week. Had yet another dream ripped away last night and was up till 4am. My FB post for today was "Hope may float, but it also has acquired the habit of leaving me disappointed each time I let it in."

More tomorrow...

Back to life, back to reality

I have been slowly easing back into the world of the living. I guess I am getting older, it certainly has taken longer to get rid of this bought of bronchitis than ever before. The whole begeezus has been complicated by the fact that seasonal allergy-stuff is impacting the recovery process. I am still sniffing and coughing intermittently due to the fact that every tree in the world is blooming right now, but the infection is gone.

Also, this week my unemployment runs out, so I have actually gotten off my duff and applied for a few jobs. I am currently working on an app for a job at the State Board of Investigations which has my husband worried. I will have to take a polygraph test and pass a background check. Now, there is nothing in my past that would horrify, but I my record is not totally spotless and my husbands is a bit more checkered than mine. But this job pays a freakin' lot of money and I really think I could be good at it so I'm giving it a shot.

I have cleaned up my eating a lot and am getting ready to launch a full-scale fat-attack. More on that tomorrow after the SBI app is in.

Thanks Mom

During a crisis-mode texting session with my Momma this morning, she reminded me that I always seem to lose my shit in the Spring. Which seems to be some weird reverse-seasonal affective disorder but is absolutely true. All my boyfriend-dumping, class-dropping, and big emotional breakdown-ing has been done in Spring. And since I was born in January, I can do the math and figure out that the horribly legendary colic I had as a baby would have been in full force right about now. (Seriously folks, I heard the horror storied from my parent and I am an only child so I'm convinced it was pretty darn bad to be my Momma in the spring of '75.)

And my sweet Momma, being the class act she is, managed to get that point across with out actually saying "Chill out punkin, you always lose your shit in Spring." So, thanks for everything Mom. This ones for you!