...but I started doing low carb today. I'm not going to make any "announcement" about it to my husband or friends, just plan to eat what I want and leave the carbs/sugar on my plate. We shall see how it works...
I have been making a serious effort in applying for jobs. I put in apps for some pretty well-paying jobs. There is one in particular that would be just awesome in relation to the pay. Like, I would be making more $$ than I have ever made in my life. Send me positive vibes, I need all the help I can get. I'm trying not to get hung up on obsessing about getting any one job in particular, because I don't want to feel the crash when I am denied. I'm just trying to be hopeful and trust I will end up where I should be. (And the meds are helping.)
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Reporting in
I did do a lot better today. No b/p so big snaps up for that.
Made it to morning aerobics class.
Bought craft items at a discount store and am stoked to get into the craft room and use them.
Ate half of what I normally would for breakfast, had a salad for lunch, and only 3 bites of husband's sandwich for dinner. Plus coffee and 2 little snacks during the day. (This restriction is diet-pill aided. Is it cheating? Maybe, but I need a boost to get me going.)
I went for a run/walk this evening. Ok, more walk than run but I am increasing the number of blocks I run v. ones I walk each time. I nearly chickened out because when I got to the area I run in, there were lots of cars. I started freaking out thinking how folks were gonna see my fat jiggling and I didn't have my cute dog along to distract them. (She has a sore foot and is recuperating for a few weeks.) I really wanted to bail, but I told myself that the only way to get this jiggly fat off is to "do it." So I did it. Yay me.
When I got home, husband was just leaving to take the dog for a walk and I went along because he asked me to. I resisted my first impulse the flop on the couch and let them go alone. So I got a little more exercise. Yay me again.
While we were out walking, husband told me I looked "damn good these past few days in my new clothes" so that made me feel good. I mean, it sucks that I have not attained my goal of fitting into those smaller things I have, but it is nice to know I am looking good to hubby while endeavoring to "under grow" those new items. Plus, I do think loser clothes make you look thinner. Like, not so huge they look balloon-ish, but skin tight is just not flattering to anyone who doesn't have good muscle tone and LOW body fat. Maria Carey was the perfect example of this in the 90s. I always thought she would not look as fat if she just bought clothes a size bigger. Now she really does need to lose a few pounds, but she's married and happy and getting older and I can't fault her for being in the exact same situation I am in, now can I?
So that's a recap of my pretty good day. (Oh, and the dead birds are gone so husband is safe from my wrath. And I drank 2+ liters of water today.) I must get to bed before the diet pills wear off and the hunger returns. Tomorrow I am putting in apps for 8 jobs. Wish me luck...
Made it to morning aerobics class.
Bought craft items at a discount store and am stoked to get into the craft room and use them.
Ate half of what I normally would for breakfast, had a salad for lunch, and only 3 bites of husband's sandwich for dinner. Plus coffee and 2 little snacks during the day. (This restriction is diet-pill aided. Is it cheating? Maybe, but I need a boost to get me going.)
I went for a run/walk this evening. Ok, more walk than run but I am increasing the number of blocks I run v. ones I walk each time. I nearly chickened out because when I got to the area I run in, there were lots of cars. I started freaking out thinking how folks were gonna see my fat jiggling and I didn't have my cute dog along to distract them. (She has a sore foot and is recuperating for a few weeks.) I really wanted to bail, but I told myself that the only way to get this jiggly fat off is to "do it." So I did it. Yay me.
When I got home, husband was just leaving to take the dog for a walk and I went along because he asked me to. I resisted my first impulse the flop on the couch and let them go alone. So I got a little more exercise. Yay me again.
While we were out walking, husband told me I looked "damn good these past few days in my new clothes" so that made me feel good. I mean, it sucks that I have not attained my goal of fitting into those smaller things I have, but it is nice to know I am looking good to hubby while endeavoring to "under grow" those new items. Plus, I do think loser clothes make you look thinner. Like, not so huge they look balloon-ish, but skin tight is just not flattering to anyone who doesn't have good muscle tone and LOW body fat. Maria Carey was the perfect example of this in the 90s. I always thought she would not look as fat if she just bought clothes a size bigger. Now she really does need to lose a few pounds, but she's married and happy and getting older and I can't fault her for being in the exact same situation I am in, now can I?
So that's a recap of my pretty good day. (Oh, and the dead birds are gone so husband is safe from my wrath. And I drank 2+ liters of water today.) I must get to bed before the diet pills wear off and the hunger returns. Tomorrow I am putting in apps for 8 jobs. Wish me luck...
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Progress
Yesterday I consumed only 1000 calories and worked out, drank my entire bottle of water and had veggies at 2 of my 3 meals. Today I am on track to have 1200 cals and have already worked out and taken the dog on a long walk. I have a raging headache as I ended up going 8 hours without eating after locking my keys in the car and having to deal with that. I got dehydrated and that played a part in it too.
Tomorrow I doubt I will get a workout except walking the dog. I plan to fast all day as I am going to a cookout tomorrow night and would like to eat a meal with my friends, including dessert. My calorie goal for the day is 1400.
Thursday I have a job interview (wish me luck) and plan to eat only 600 cal. I know I can do it as I will be busy and prolly stressed for most of the day. Friday my goal is 800. I'm trying my own 2-4-6-8 plan with way more cals as I am trying to move from being a dedicated binger to a dedicated starver. My daily cals are 1200, 1400, 600, 800, then decide where to go from there.
Today I bought a pair of "fat pants" at Target to wear at the interview. I am sad, disgusted, and pissed off to have to do it, but my self confidence would not be spot on if I had to wear the sausage-casings in my closet that are passing for pants while trying to get those people to give me a job. Seriously, I was wearing sweats all weekend as that is all I own that fits. I figure it's $15 well spent if I get the job, and if not, I will eventually have another pair of baggy pants to lounge in once I starve this fat off my ass.
Tomorrow I doubt I will get a workout except walking the dog. I plan to fast all day as I am going to a cookout tomorrow night and would like to eat a meal with my friends, including dessert. My calorie goal for the day is 1400.
Thursday I have a job interview (wish me luck) and plan to eat only 600 cal. I know I can do it as I will be busy and prolly stressed for most of the day. Friday my goal is 800. I'm trying my own 2-4-6-8 plan with way more cals as I am trying to move from being a dedicated binger to a dedicated starver. My daily cals are 1200, 1400, 600, 800, then decide where to go from there.
Today I bought a pair of "fat pants" at Target to wear at the interview. I am sad, disgusted, and pissed off to have to do it, but my self confidence would not be spot on if I had to wear the sausage-casings in my closet that are passing for pants while trying to get those people to give me a job. Seriously, I was wearing sweats all weekend as that is all I own that fits. I figure it's $15 well spent if I get the job, and if not, I will eventually have another pair of baggy pants to lounge in once I starve this fat off my ass.
Friday, April 9, 2010
update
So far this week I am proud to say I have had five days low carb and attended 2 exercise classes. (Normally 2 classes is freakin' pitiful for me, but I'm still recovering from "the illness." Fuckin' cough just won't go away.)
Tomorrow is official weigh/measure day and calorie counting begins. I can't decide if I should use 1200 or 1400 cals as my daily target. Jillian Michaels says my count should be 14644. Not that I have actually asked her, but doing the basal metabolic calculation she recommends that's what my numbers come out to. But, there are millions of WW folks who use points which--by the end when you are close to goal--work out to being roughly 1200 a day. (I watched a podcast in which a WW blogger explained some of the secret points formula.)
Anyway, I was more fired up about this earlier in the week. Had yet another dream ripped away last night and was up till 4am. My FB post for today was "Hope may float, but it also has acquired the habit of leaving me disappointed each time I let it in."
More tomorrow...
Tomorrow is official weigh/measure day and calorie counting begins. I can't decide if I should use 1200 or 1400 cals as my daily target. Jillian Michaels says my count should be 14644. Not that I have actually asked her, but doing the basal metabolic calculation she recommends that's what my numbers come out to. But, there are millions of WW folks who use points which--by the end when you are close to goal--work out to being roughly 1200 a day. (I watched a podcast in which a WW blogger explained some of the secret points formula.)
Anyway, I was more fired up about this earlier in the week. Had yet another dream ripped away last night and was up till 4am. My FB post for today was "Hope may float, but it also has acquired the habit of leaving me disappointed each time I let it in."
More tomorrow...
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thinking about fruit
It snowed like a bitch yesterday, so I have zero motivation to dig out my car and go buy anything, which is helpful to my "week of no spending" goal. Of course, I also have ZERO motivation to go to exercise class.
I just weighed myself and discovered I have gained 14lbs since the wedding. Holy fuck! That's 33lbs from my weight goal. Gawd...I just want to sit in the corner and cry...
My plan for this week is to eat up what is in the house, then restock with fresh, healthy foods. As a low carb follower, I have staunchly avoided fruit cuz fruit=sugar. But my in laws sent me an orange about a month ago and I have been jonesin for more fruit since eating it. Since I am switching to calorie-counting, perhaps I can get away with one piece of fruit a day. I don't know... it's a big shift, but I feel like I need to mix things up as I am getting so bored with what I am eating. And that is leading to eating out and eating crappy foods at home.
I just wish I wasn't so depressed. I just wish I was motivated enough to care, to do, to try. I just wish....wish...wish...
I just weighed myself and discovered I have gained 14lbs since the wedding. Holy fuck! That's 33lbs from my weight goal. Gawd...I just want to sit in the corner and cry...
My plan for this week is to eat up what is in the house, then restock with fresh, healthy foods. As a low carb follower, I have staunchly avoided fruit cuz fruit=sugar. But my in laws sent me an orange about a month ago and I have been jonesin for more fruit since eating it. Since I am switching to calorie-counting, perhaps I can get away with one piece of fruit a day. I don't know... it's a big shift, but I feel like I need to mix things up as I am getting so bored with what I am eating. And that is leading to eating out and eating crappy foods at home.
I just wish I wasn't so depressed. I just wish I was motivated enough to care, to do, to try. I just wish....wish...wish...
Monday, February 15, 2010
Trying
So far today I have missed morning exercise class :(
but I made a healthy 228 cal. breakfast :)
And I have had no diet Dr. Pepper since Friday and no soda at all since yesterday morning :) This may not seem like a big deal, but am a total diet soda addict. So this is huge for me.
Now I'm off to organize my laundry room which is also the storage room and is full of crap.
but I made a healthy 228 cal. breakfast :)
And I have had no diet Dr. Pepper since Friday and no soda at all since yesterday morning :) This may not seem like a big deal, but am a total diet soda addict. So this is huge for me.
Now I'm off to organize my laundry room which is also the storage room and is full of crap.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Running the numbers
***Disclaimer time--discussion of weight and BMI to follow***
Well, my mood has improved and the bingeing is lessening (funny how those go hand-in-hand) so snaps up for that. I have finally accomplished some shit that I had let slide for way to long. Certainly there is more to do, but at least I made a dent in the mountain.
My weight and exercise and healthy eating have not improved much at all. After those damn cookies threw me off I have been finding it hard to go back to the low-carb thing. I know it works, I know it is the best way for ME to lose and still feel satisfied, but I just don't have the desire to commit in the way you have to for it to work. It's all chemistry. A delicate balance that can be thrown off by a single sugary bite.
Starting tomorrow (after Valentine's waffles for breakfast) I'm gonna try old-fashioned calorie restriction. I'm hoping the spirit of Ana will come upon me and I'll rekindle my long-lost love of fasting.
History time: I was a chunky kid who slimmed down the summer between fifth and sixth grades when I read a book about an anorexic girl. (So cliche, classic cautionary tale leads girl to destruction...) Between my growth-spurt, avoiding food at all costs, and compulsive exercise I was a pretty successful starver with some once or twice a week purging episodes thrown in to take care of family dinners and such until my junior year of high-school. By then the starving shit had gotten old, I was working in a restaurant where I got free meals, and I had quit most of the organized sports cuz I wasn't that good. My weight crept up during my senior year and I was once again chunky as I accepted my diploma.
In college I quite purging but kept on bingeing as that is how I deal with stress. And boy, did I have stress. Paying my own way, working 2 and 3 jobs and graduating suma cum laude, and oh yeah fat girl why don't you try and have a social life too??? I graduated college obese. Seriously. My highest known weight (cuz I didn't weigh myself at all that I can remember during college) was 238. And I'm 5'2". So, that put my BMI at 43.5. (Wow, I was quite the lil' heifer... I had never figured the actual numbers until now.)
I graduated college with a full-time job lined up, so I made losing weight my priority. I exercised, ate reasonably healthy, and managed to lose at a slow but steady rate of 1-2lbs a month (yeah, a friggin month!!) for a few years and was down to around 175 when I really got stuck. It was close to my 10-year high-school reunion when I tried low-carb for the first time and got down to 161. Blew it after the reunion and gained it back, but managed to work my way down to around 146 for my trip to Hawaii a few years later. Then back up to 155-160 until I got engaged last year and decided to shot for the moon and get down to 135. See, 136 is the top weight for "normal" BMI for someone of my diminutives stature.
I didn't quite make it, sorry to say. But I got damn close at 138. I felt like I was the queen of the world, living the dream, hot and sexy and THIN!!! And then I saw some unflattering pics from the wedding. Fuck all. I ain't hot. I ain't thin. I have saggy skin and jiggly fat and I still look thick in the middle and have huge thighs!!!
So I have been stuffing my face and avoiding exercise and just generally punishing myself from the inside out for being so deluded for the past six weeks. I mean, what was I thinking?!?!? People who are 4 to 6 inches taller than me have 135 as a goal weight. To look thin you have to actually be thin unless you can somehow photoshop your image before it hits the retinas of anyone around you. I'm pretty sure my weight is back up to 150, if not higher, but I'm totally not stepping on the scale for a L-O-N-G time.
So, after much self-flagellation I have set a new goal weight. 119 pounds/BMI 21.8 or exactly HALF of what I used to be. And thus the name of this blog. (OK, if you run the numbers half of 43.5 is 21.75, but I'm rounding up a touch to make it work out nice and pretty.) That is right in the middle of the healthy range for my height, so when my fat relatives start moaning about my "unnatural thinness" I can justifiably tell them to stuff it. Please excuse me if my success blows your "we have fat genes" argument out of the water.
There is absolutely no reason I can't "find half" and be who I want. I just have to find the courage and strength to do it. I need to just Stop. Fucking. Eating!! and Get. My. Ass. Off. The. Couch!!!
Watch me world...I'll get there and I will ROCK!!!
Well, my mood has improved and the bingeing is lessening (funny how those go hand-in-hand) so snaps up for that. I have finally accomplished some shit that I had let slide for way to long. Certainly there is more to do, but at least I made a dent in the mountain.
My weight and exercise and healthy eating have not improved much at all. After those damn cookies threw me off I have been finding it hard to go back to the low-carb thing. I know it works, I know it is the best way for ME to lose and still feel satisfied, but I just don't have the desire to commit in the way you have to for it to work. It's all chemistry. A delicate balance that can be thrown off by a single sugary bite.
Starting tomorrow (after Valentine's waffles for breakfast) I'm gonna try old-fashioned calorie restriction. I'm hoping the spirit of Ana will come upon me and I'll rekindle my long-lost love of fasting.
History time: I was a chunky kid who slimmed down the summer between fifth and sixth grades when I read a book about an anorexic girl. (So cliche, classic cautionary tale leads girl to destruction...) Between my growth-spurt, avoiding food at all costs, and compulsive exercise I was a pretty successful starver with some once or twice a week purging episodes thrown in to take care of family dinners and such until my junior year of high-school. By then the starving shit had gotten old, I was working in a restaurant where I got free meals, and I had quit most of the organized sports cuz I wasn't that good. My weight crept up during my senior year and I was once again chunky as I accepted my diploma.
In college I quite purging but kept on bingeing as that is how I deal with stress. And boy, did I have stress. Paying my own way, working 2 and 3 jobs and graduating suma cum laude, and oh yeah fat girl why don't you try and have a social life too??? I graduated college obese. Seriously. My highest known weight (cuz I didn't weigh myself at all that I can remember during college) was 238. And I'm 5'2". So, that put my BMI at 43.5. (Wow, I was quite the lil' heifer... I had never figured the actual numbers until now.)
I graduated college with a full-time job lined up, so I made losing weight my priority. I exercised, ate reasonably healthy, and managed to lose at a slow but steady rate of 1-2lbs a month (yeah, a friggin month!!) for a few years and was down to around 175 when I really got stuck. It was close to my 10-year high-school reunion when I tried low-carb for the first time and got down to 161. Blew it after the reunion and gained it back, but managed to work my way down to around 146 for my trip to Hawaii a few years later. Then back up to 155-160 until I got engaged last year and decided to shot for the moon and get down to 135. See, 136 is the top weight for "normal" BMI for someone of my diminutives stature.
I didn't quite make it, sorry to say. But I got damn close at 138. I felt like I was the queen of the world, living the dream, hot and sexy and THIN!!! And then I saw some unflattering pics from the wedding. Fuck all. I ain't hot. I ain't thin. I have saggy skin and jiggly fat and I still look thick in the middle and have huge thighs!!!
So I have been stuffing my face and avoiding exercise and just generally punishing myself from the inside out for being so deluded for the past six weeks. I mean, what was I thinking?!?!? People who are 4 to 6 inches taller than me have 135 as a goal weight. To look thin you have to actually be thin unless you can somehow photoshop your image before it hits the retinas of anyone around you. I'm pretty sure my weight is back up to 150, if not higher, but I'm totally not stepping on the scale for a L-O-N-G time.
So, after much self-flagellation I have set a new goal weight. 119 pounds/BMI 21.8 or exactly HALF of what I used to be. And thus the name of this blog. (OK, if you run the numbers half of 43.5 is 21.75, but I'm rounding up a touch to make it work out nice and pretty.) That is right in the middle of the healthy range for my height, so when my fat relatives start moaning about my "unnatural thinness" I can justifiably tell them to stuff it. Please excuse me if my success blows your "we have fat genes" argument out of the water.
There is absolutely no reason I can't "find half" and be who I want. I just have to find the courage and strength to do it. I need to just Stop. Fucking. Eating!! and Get. My. Ass. Off. The. Couch!!!
Watch me world...I'll get there and I will ROCK!!!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
On the eve of destruction
Ok, not really destruction, but we are on the eve of oh-crap-it's-seriously-time-to-take-measures-and-quit-eating-every-damn-thing-and-get-a-grip-chick! And I'm starting the 30-day shred tomorrow as well as back to Jazzercise. If I can't move, I can't eat, right? Plus I'm doing lo-carb for a week and seriously cutting back on the diet soda. Prepare for me to be a full-on ragin' bitch for at least 4 days. Like the SNL skit says, grab a hat and hang the fuck on to it.
The main way I plan to cope with the sugar-caffeine-carb detox is to stay busy. For and unemployed chick, it is crazy how much stuff I have to do. Tons of little errands, stuff to get fixed, returned, replaced, etc. About half the thanks-yous for wedding presents still need written. There are still a few wedding-related things to tie up. Calls to make. Oh and the car situation to deal with. THAT is an interesting post that will be showing up soon.
It's also time to work on the house. Seriously. I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me how much "potential" my house has. I mean, isn't that just a veiled way of saying "Gee, your house could look good if you would actually DO something with it." Of course, we need about $100,000 to fix this place up right but a girl can at least make an effort. I already have a broom and vacuum so at least getting it clean won't cost anything. I made pretty good headway last week as we hosted friends for game-night and I have to admit the place looks about 2ox better just getting rid of the cobwebs, dust, clutter and floor-grit. The parlor and laundry room are still full of crap (actually more crap since last weeks clean-up, you know how shit gets shifted when company is coming). I'm just waiting for a good diet-rage to build up before I get into it with those spaces.
So, till tomorrow. Everyone get their hats ready...
The main way I plan to cope with the sugar-caffeine-carb detox is to stay busy. For and unemployed chick, it is crazy how much stuff I have to do. Tons of little errands, stuff to get fixed, returned, replaced, etc. About half the thanks-yous for wedding presents still need written. There are still a few wedding-related things to tie up. Calls to make. Oh and the car situation to deal with. THAT is an interesting post that will be showing up soon.
It's also time to work on the house. Seriously. I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me how much "potential" my house has. I mean, isn't that just a veiled way of saying "Gee, your house could look good if you would actually DO something with it." Of course, we need about $100,000 to fix this place up right but a girl can at least make an effort. I already have a broom and vacuum so at least getting it clean won't cost anything. I made pretty good headway last week as we hosted friends for game-night and I have to admit the place looks about 2ox better just getting rid of the cobwebs, dust, clutter and floor-grit. The parlor and laundry room are still full of crap (actually more crap since last weeks clean-up, you know how shit gets shifted when company is coming). I'm just waiting for a good diet-rage to build up before I get into it with those spaces.
So, till tomorrow. Everyone get their hats ready...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
