Update

No. 1) I got a job. I love it (mostly). I have been there nearly 3 months, got the corporate shirts and business cards to prove it. Negotiated a salary comparable to the one I had before the great unemployment. Go me.

No. 2) I'm still doing the therapy and meds thing. Will taper off both in the new year as I have gotten my shit mostly together. Enough at least to snow them into thinking I'm ok to go it alone.

No. 3) I am fucking FAT. For real. Ick....

No. 4) My husband is being a fucking asshole. For real. Ick....

No. 5) I am super-freaked out that I might be pregnant. For real. Fuck... That's not in the plan. I can't do the mommy thing and there is no way my husband is father material. Don't even try to convince me.

More updates will follow. Since my husband has now morphed into an ass, I doubt I will be spending as much time making goo-goo eyes at him and will have more time to bitch on this blog.

Creeping back, or, The good/the bad/the ugly

So....I've been gone for what, a month or so? Quite a bit of nothing special and a little moderately interesting stuff happened so here is the breakdown.

The good: I GOT A FREAKING JOB!!! Finally! And I negotiated a salary $2 an hour higher than what they wanted to start me at. Yay for me! Momma's gonna get paid!

The bad: My I-think-he-is-an-alcoholic-but-he-doesn't-agree-with-me husband has started slipping back into the bottle. FML. He was totally sober for a year after he got arrested, then only drank a beer now and then for a year after that, then moved up to two, and in the last few months has steadily upped his intake. I think he had nine last night. Once again, FML.

The ugly: I am so fucking fat I can't even deal with it. Seriously, none of my clothes fit and now I have to look presentable 5 days a week. I think about working out and eating healthy but I just can't DO it for some reason. If I gain 5 more pounds I am stopping the anti-depressants. Sorry, I'd rather be normal weight and depressed with clothes I can wear than obese and chemically happy and shopping in the plus department. Hopefully after the 90-day probation period at work I can start smoking weed again if I have to quit the anti-ds. I actually lost weight when I dabbled with the smoke for a few months last year.

So, that's the highlights. I will try to get myself on a schedule with writing and posting which hopefully with morph into me caring about my weight again and finding the motivation to actually do something about it.

Love to you all....

Really husband?

The other day when I was bemoaning my 15 pound gain to my husband (yeah, first mistake--never bring up weight with SOs) he said to me "Well, you can just be like Kirstie Alley and lose it all again!" Really husband? You think I look like Kirstie big-as-a-blimp Alley? Fuck. My. Life.

Next week I'm starting a liquids-only fast. Who cares if I fuckin' pass out while driving or go bat-shit-crazy? I'll show him, and everyone else. I'm gonna get so skinny that no one will NOT notice. Watch me.

And when they give me the heartfelt lectures centering around "We just want you to be healthy (ie FAT and docile and conforming) so please stuff you face with something and stop acting like a rabid demon she-devil" I will look at them all serious a quite like I am really sorry I have put them all through this WORRY about ME and my ISSUES instead of letting the world continue to revolve around THEM... but inside you know I'll be flippin' them the bird.

State of the union

Oh husband, right now I think it is just great that I can be purging in the downstairs bathroom and you are upstairs on the computer oblivious to everything. Although I am scared that I may eventually look back upon this time in our marriage and resent how truly self-absorbed you can be.

Reporting in

I did do a lot better today. No b/p so big snaps up for that.

Made it to morning aerobics class.

Bought craft items at a discount store and am stoked to get into the craft room and use them.

Ate half of what I normally would for breakfast, had a salad for lunch, and only 3 bites of husband's sandwich for dinner. Plus coffee and 2 little snacks during the day. (This restriction is diet-pill aided. Is it cheating? Maybe, but I need a boost to get me going.)

I went for a run/walk this evening. Ok, more walk than run but I am increasing the number of blocks I run v. ones I walk each time. I nearly chickened out because when I got to the area I run in, there were lots of cars. I started freaking out thinking how folks were gonna see my fat jiggling and I didn't have my cute dog along to distract them. (She has a sore foot and is recuperating for a few weeks.) I really wanted to bail, but I told myself that the only way to get this jiggly fat off is to "do it." So I did it. Yay me.

When I got home, husband was just leaving to take the dog for a walk and I went along because he asked me to. I resisted my first impulse the flop on the couch and let them go alone. So I got a little more exercise. Yay me again.

While we were out walking, husband told me I looked "damn good these past few days in my new clothes" so that made me feel good. I mean, it sucks that I have not attained my goal of fitting into those smaller things I have, but it is nice to know I am looking good to hubby while endeavoring to "under grow" those new items. Plus, I do think loser clothes make you look thinner. Like, not so huge they look balloon-ish, but skin tight is just not flattering to anyone who doesn't have good muscle tone and LOW body fat. Maria Carey was the perfect example of this in the 90s. I always thought she would not look as fat if she just bought clothes a size bigger. Now she really does need to lose a few pounds, but she's married and happy and getting older and I can't fault her for being in the exact same situation I am in, now can I?

So that's a recap of my pretty good day. (Oh, and the dead birds are gone so husband is safe from my wrath. And I drank 2+ liters of water today.) I must get to bed before the diet pills wear off and the hunger returns. Tomorrow I am putting in apps for 8 jobs. Wish me luck...

Dear husband,

It really annoys me the way you forget things I tell you. Like how I told you 3 times yesterday that I was meeting someone at 5pm today, and then you call this morning and tell me you made plans for us right after work! I know you honestly don't do it on purpose, but it pisses me off because it makes me feel unimportant and let's me know I am wasting my time by telling you things. I wish you would pay better attention, lay of the fucking weed, or write down the shit I tell you!

Good day repeated

So, today I made it to my second Jazzercise of the week. (No sweat on the floor tonight but I was ringing wet after and I was standing under a fan so I'm chalking it up to that.) My meals got kinda out of sync as I actually ate breakfast so was not hungry for lunch and then starving after work. But I just gritted my teeth and drank my protein shake and went to workout. Snaps up for that!

Tonight I'm making another salad for dinner. I like my hubs working late as I can eat what I want and its very freeing not to have him around at mealtime. In some ways he's just as fucked about food as I am but the other way, he's one of those folks who honest to god forgets to eat. It's just so frustrating to hear him say at 5 o'clock "Man, I'm hungry, I haven't eaten all day..." and then he gets going on a game or project and finally eats about 9pm. Fucker. I so wanna be like him in regards to food. He also looses his appetite when he gets stressed or upset. WTF?!?! I binge when stressed or upset. I guess we are a perfect pair. Anyway, sorry for the husband tangent. What I'm really trying to say is that ever since his lecture about the ice cream a few weeks ago I have felt weird eating around him. I eat my meals alone in the kitchen so he doesn't see what or how much I eat. It may be wrong, but it's just easier for me to deal with it this way.

Anyway, back to the good stuff! I also refused dinner at Olive Garden with my mom tonight. She is in town for meetings and called as she and her co-worker were on the way to the restaurant. Thank god I worked out as I was sweaty and gross and on my way home (which is on the other side of town from O.G.) so I used that to beg off. Plus meals out are not in the budget, but I didn't have to use that excuse. I thought about going for a split second and "just having salad" but we all know how that would have turned out. I would have caved and ordered pasta and binged or been good and then been pissed watching them eat the yummy food and come home and binged. Possible outcomes of entering restaurant? Fail or fail. So I feel good that I just said "NO" (like Ms. Reagan taught us in the 80s--har, har) and came on home.

Tomorrow I may try Auden's suggestion (sorry, I don't know how to add links but check her blog out as I am a follower) and fast for just a day. I'm gonna be in the car for 5 hours and will not be doing any strenuous exercise so it seems a good time to try. I might have to eat breakfast though, we will see.

Infectulated, in every zone

(any Squidbillies fans out there? Otherwise the post title will not be nearly as meaningful)

Fuckin' damn! The illness is back. The hacking, disgusting cough has returned with the sleeplessness and I-got-ran-over-by-a-truck feeling. Fugger!! It's back to the Dr. this afternoon.

My husband wants me to find a "real" doctor instead of hitting up the Minor Med folks again. Uh, no thanks. Real doctors want to establish some type of "relationship" with you. They look at your medical history and order tests and want to put you on daily meds and send you to therapy and do all kinds of shit that you don't have the time, money, or desire to do. Real doctors try to get in your business and suggest that you lose weight and get treated for your depression. Again, no thanks.

Basically, doctors have told me that the root of all my issues is my excess weight and if a problem is not directly connected to my weight then it is "in my head" and related to my depression. So, I am making myself sick. It's all my fault. If I was a better person, I would not get sick. I am flawed. Yadda, yadda, yadda. So no, I'm not ready to establish another "relationship" with a so-called authority figure that is just gonna make me feel shittier than before.

??

So, yesterday my husband tries to have a "talk" with me about my eating. Seems that my eating all the ice cream and chips has his skinny ass all bent and suddenly he's feeling the need to lecture me on portions and moderation and all that. W.T.F?!?! Like he knows jack-shit about nutrition. Like he doesn't sit down with a big bowl of ice cream every god-damned night his own self. Like he makes a comment about my stomach (which yes, is getting a little flabby) but says he "Doesn't want to make me mad." Excuse me?

Pissed me the fuck off, that's what he did.

So, to vent my anger I am no longer eating carbs of any sort and heading out for 2x daily workouts. And when, in 4 days, he starts whining "I never seeeee youuuuuuuu" I'm gonna flip him the bird.

And, the jerk told me a few minutes after getting up that he wants to bake cookies today. Huh? He calls me fat yesterday and then wants to fill my house with the aroma of baking cookies today? That is just fucking MEAN! But then, he is such a nutritional EXPERT....

blah

So, I jump full-force onto the low carb bandwagon and wake up the next day with a horrific cold. Shee-it. But I'm hanging tough. Just broth and tea for me today. (And a few pork rinds and half an avocado. Girl's gotta have nourishment.)

My shipment of shoes arrived, so the 2x a day workouts can now begin. Yeah...gonna get right on that. As soon as the roving body aches go away and I can walk down stairs without crying.

And I'm out of my fav caffeine source, diet soda. The hubs was supposed to go get some, but instead decided to do some friggin' home-improvement project. Geez, he has only been putting it off for around 10 years, why pick NOW when I want something to get busy? Thanks for the support.

WTF?

The washing machine straight up ate one of my shirts today. It has holes in the front and there is no way it can now be worn for anything except yard work or painting. And, it was one of the few office-appropriate clothes I have left. Perhaps the universe is telling me to scrap the job hunt and get out there and work on my house or yard? I like it, but umm, Universe, can you please explain that to my husband?? Thanks.

Ahh, the power of pussy

Who knew that if you give your husband sex twice in one night, he happily cleans out the closet the next day? I gotta remember this!

Rant

Look, husband. I know you apologized, but I just have to say I resent being made to feel like a loser because I want to live in a clean, clutter free house. You have too much shit and you know it so stop being such as ASS when I try to clean this dump up. You totally took the wind out of my sails with the laundry room today and from now on I'm just gonna put your shit in boxes and put it in the basement! F.U.!!!

Today also did not suck

This morning, as my husband was getting ready to leave for work and it was dark and I was in bed warm and asleep with my little dog curled up next to me, he bends down and says

"Thank you."

I sleepily say "Mmmm.....for what?"

"For coming into my life and making everything so much better."

Damn, I'm a lucky girl. He tells me every day how much he loves me and how happy he is that we are finally married and living together. But there was something about hearing it said so simply and sweetly in that place between awake and asleep that was really, really, really special. There is just no way I could have a bad day after that.

Interview!

I have a job interview tomorrow! YAY!! I am choosing to be excited. I can beat myself up and be apprehensive another day.

Wish me luck. This is a job working in the same industry I have been in for the least 12 years. There are not a whole lot of options in this industry in my town, so I am willing to take this job (for lower pay and not doing the same thing I was doing before) in the hopes I can move up. Plus, I can take a pay cut now since my hubby pays most of the bills. (Woot woot! Yeah, I was raised to be independent and pay my own way, but it is super-nice to have him taking care of stuff.)

My head is swimming. I have not been on a job interview in many years. I am torn between spending the rest of the day searching the Internet for good responses to interview questions and going shopping... But, as I said. Today and tomorrow I am choosing to be positive!

Insightful husband

Yesterday I say to my hubby "February 1st I'm quitting the carbs again." As I grab a handful of crackers.

His reply "OK. But until then....it's on. Right?"

Oh husband. It's kinda sweet how well you know me.