Background: I have spent the better part of the last week prepping for and working a friend's garage sale. She is cleaning out her 88-year-old father's house in preparation for remodeling so in a year (give or take) they can put the house on the market and move him to some type of assisted living situation.
Life lesson learned: People have too much crap. Clothes, furniture, trinkets, knick-knacks, craft supplies, towels, dishes, free gifts that are just junk, this, that, everything.... It's all just crap. And eventually you will have to deal with getting rid of it and you will realize the painful fact that this "stuff" you have worked for and bought and saved and kept and dusted and insured and stored and moved from house to house and hung on to for days or years or even a lifetime is really not worth anything to anyone.
The moral of the story: "Don't buy it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with it and it will suck."
How this relates to ED: I'm hoping my days of binging and purging are coming to an end. I want to take the lesson of "stuff" and apply it to food. As in "Don't eat it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with the fat this food will put on your body, and it will suck." This is my new mantra.
Showing posts with label anorexic thinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anorexic thinking. Show all posts
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thursday update
Today had some good and some not good parts. I guess that works out to an average day.
The good: Did back-to-back aerobic classes this morning.
Drank 2 liters of water.
Took a nap in the afternoon and cuddled my dog.
The bad: A total stranger got on me about dog crap in his yard. My dog was not even crapping, she was just walkin her slow ass thru his grass. Fucker. Makes me want to fill his yard with stinky dog shit.
I didn't get any of the job apps in. I guess there is always tomorrow. I just can't get motivated to open myself up for more rejection.
Ate too much at breakfast and lunch, had a mini-binge in the afternoon and then remedied the situation with a little purging. I figure I've got the skill, I might as well use it. Then I took more pills and have had only a little snack and coffee since the purge.
Tomorrow I seriously need to get on it with the jobs and I need to go to the mall to pay a bill. I may buy some more tank tops and then I seriously need to shut down the spending. I have spent $140 on clothes in less than a week. (Not much to some of you, but then you have jobs and such...)
I'm not sure what the exercise or eating situation will turn out like. Hubby has invited a friend and his gf over in the evening, so I won't be doing my run if that happens. (This friend is notorious for making plans and bailing.) I will still go to aerobics in the morning so that will get me an hour of exercise. I thought about getting up early to run before class but that isn't really in the cards. I'm trying to do strenuous exercise morning and evening to keep my metabolism up. Plus my left knee is feeling a little twingey so I prolly should rest it.
And we are supposed to order Chinese when/if they come over. I may just fast all day so I can eat and enjoy it knowing it is my only calories for the day. Of course, that goes against my natural desire to eat the majority of my calories in the morning, but then again I won't get skinny if I follow my natural desires, will I?
The good: Did back-to-back aerobic classes this morning.
Drank 2 liters of water.
Took a nap in the afternoon and cuddled my dog.
The bad: A total stranger got on me about dog crap in his yard. My dog was not even crapping, she was just walkin her slow ass thru his grass. Fucker. Makes me want to fill his yard with stinky dog shit.
I didn't get any of the job apps in. I guess there is always tomorrow. I just can't get motivated to open myself up for more rejection.
Ate too much at breakfast and lunch, had a mini-binge in the afternoon and then remedied the situation with a little purging. I figure I've got the skill, I might as well use it. Then I took more pills and have had only a little snack and coffee since the purge.
Tomorrow I seriously need to get on it with the jobs and I need to go to the mall to pay a bill. I may buy some more tank tops and then I seriously need to shut down the spending. I have spent $140 on clothes in less than a week. (Not much to some of you, but then you have jobs and such...)
I'm not sure what the exercise or eating situation will turn out like. Hubby has invited a friend and his gf over in the evening, so I won't be doing my run if that happens. (This friend is notorious for making plans and bailing.) I will still go to aerobics in the morning so that will get me an hour of exercise. I thought about getting up early to run before class but that isn't really in the cards. I'm trying to do strenuous exercise morning and evening to keep my metabolism up. Plus my left knee is feeling a little twingey so I prolly should rest it.
And we are supposed to order Chinese when/if they come over. I may just fast all day so I can eat and enjoy it knowing it is my only calories for the day. Of course, that goes against my natural desire to eat the majority of my calories in the morning, but then again I won't get skinny if I follow my natural desires, will I?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
My current food obsession is...
...blanched broccoli, cold from the refrigerator, with barbecue sauce. I know it sounds odd, but to me right now it is the most tasty thing in the world. (Ok, that's a lie, but it is the most tasty thing I will let myself eat. So it's the most tasty thing in MY world. I know there is sugar in BBQ sauce but fuck it as it's the only sugar/carb I have eaten for days. And no, I'm not going nuts with it. I have 2-3 tablespoons per day and that's it.)
And I did 2 Jazzercise classes today, back-to-back. I sweat like crazy in class and am on my second bottle of water for the day. I would have to say, it seems like my fledgling eating disorder is progressing nicely. Go me.
And I did 2 Jazzercise classes today, back-to-back. I sweat like crazy in class and am on my second bottle of water for the day. I would have to say, it seems like my fledgling eating disorder is progressing nicely. Go me.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Progress
Yesterday I consumed only 1000 calories and worked out, drank my entire bottle of water and had veggies at 2 of my 3 meals. Today I am on track to have 1200 cals and have already worked out and taken the dog on a long walk. I have a raging headache as I ended up going 8 hours without eating after locking my keys in the car and having to deal with that. I got dehydrated and that played a part in it too.
Tomorrow I doubt I will get a workout except walking the dog. I plan to fast all day as I am going to a cookout tomorrow night and would like to eat a meal with my friends, including dessert. My calorie goal for the day is 1400.
Thursday I have a job interview (wish me luck) and plan to eat only 600 cal. I know I can do it as I will be busy and prolly stressed for most of the day. Friday my goal is 800. I'm trying my own 2-4-6-8 plan with way more cals as I am trying to move from being a dedicated binger to a dedicated starver. My daily cals are 1200, 1400, 600, 800, then decide where to go from there.
Today I bought a pair of "fat pants" at Target to wear at the interview. I am sad, disgusted, and pissed off to have to do it, but my self confidence would not be spot on if I had to wear the sausage-casings in my closet that are passing for pants while trying to get those people to give me a job. Seriously, I was wearing sweats all weekend as that is all I own that fits. I figure it's $15 well spent if I get the job, and if not, I will eventually have another pair of baggy pants to lounge in once I starve this fat off my ass.
Tomorrow I doubt I will get a workout except walking the dog. I plan to fast all day as I am going to a cookout tomorrow night and would like to eat a meal with my friends, including dessert. My calorie goal for the day is 1400.
Thursday I have a job interview (wish me luck) and plan to eat only 600 cal. I know I can do it as I will be busy and prolly stressed for most of the day. Friday my goal is 800. I'm trying my own 2-4-6-8 plan with way more cals as I am trying to move from being a dedicated binger to a dedicated starver. My daily cals are 1200, 1400, 600, 800, then decide where to go from there.
Today I bought a pair of "fat pants" at Target to wear at the interview. I am sad, disgusted, and pissed off to have to do it, but my self confidence would not be spot on if I had to wear the sausage-casings in my closet that are passing for pants while trying to get those people to give me a job. Seriously, I was wearing sweats all weekend as that is all I own that fits. I figure it's $15 well spent if I get the job, and if not, I will eventually have another pair of baggy pants to lounge in once I starve this fat off my ass.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Goodbye food
I don't need you any more. After those awful FB pictures my friend posted where I look all chunky and bloated, I have finally realized what you have done to me. Telling me "I need you," "I'm good for you" and "I can't live without you" while dragging me pound by pound away from my goal. You suck! I don't wanna be that chunky, pudgy, doughy gal any more. I finally know now that I deserve better so buh-BYE! I can totally make it without you! Other's do it every day. I am strong. I see through you. You are nothing to me.
(And when my stomach is all twisted up and burning from emptiness and I'm about to pass out, standing with my head in the fridge doing the diet equivalent of a drunk-dial, I'm gonna think of those designer jeans and tank-tops I want to wear this summer and I'm gonna tell you to step the FUCK OFF!!)
(And when my stomach is all twisted up and burning from emptiness and I'm about to pass out, standing with my head in the fridge doing the diet equivalent of a drunk-dial, I'm gonna think of those designer jeans and tank-tops I want to wear this summer and I'm gonna tell you to step the FUCK OFF!!)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
still sick, still on low carb
That's really all I have to report. Sniffing and coughing and I feel like a truck ran over me (not that I have actually been run over, but you get the idea.) Just going downstairs to get a drink is enough to make me need a nap.
I am feeling proud of myself, though. Always before when I got sick, I ended up throwing the low carb thing out the window. This time I am choosing to embrace the illness as a time to cleans and justifiably not eat. (Not that my husband cares if I am eating or not, but that is a subject for another day when my brain is firing on all cylinders and my wrists are not screaming as I type.)
We are hosting game night tomorrow evening and I had planned to spend the weekend cleaning like a banshee. Well, fuck that. To sick, to tired. These are my friends and they have all seen the place looking worse than it does right now so I say screw it. I'm gonna take a nap.
(And you can bet your asses that I will be "too sick to eat" tomorrow night, whether I am recovered or not. I plan to be too sick to eat for as long as I can milk it.)
I am feeling proud of myself, though. Always before when I got sick, I ended up throwing the low carb thing out the window. This time I am choosing to embrace the illness as a time to cleans and justifiably not eat. (Not that my husband cares if I am eating or not, but that is a subject for another day when my brain is firing on all cylinders and my wrists are not screaming as I type.)
We are hosting game night tomorrow evening and I had planned to spend the weekend cleaning like a banshee. Well, fuck that. To sick, to tired. These are my friends and they have all seen the place looking worse than it does right now so I say screw it. I'm gonna take a nap.
(And you can bet your asses that I will be "too sick to eat" tomorrow night, whether I am recovered or not. I plan to be too sick to eat for as long as I can milk it.)
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Running the numbers
***Disclaimer time--discussion of weight and BMI to follow***
Well, my mood has improved and the bingeing is lessening (funny how those go hand-in-hand) so snaps up for that. I have finally accomplished some shit that I had let slide for way to long. Certainly there is more to do, but at least I made a dent in the mountain.
My weight and exercise and healthy eating have not improved much at all. After those damn cookies threw me off I have been finding it hard to go back to the low-carb thing. I know it works, I know it is the best way for ME to lose and still feel satisfied, but I just don't have the desire to commit in the way you have to for it to work. It's all chemistry. A delicate balance that can be thrown off by a single sugary bite.
Starting tomorrow (after Valentine's waffles for breakfast) I'm gonna try old-fashioned calorie restriction. I'm hoping the spirit of Ana will come upon me and I'll rekindle my long-lost love of fasting.
History time: I was a chunky kid who slimmed down the summer between fifth and sixth grades when I read a book about an anorexic girl. (So cliche, classic cautionary tale leads girl to destruction...) Between my growth-spurt, avoiding food at all costs, and compulsive exercise I was a pretty successful starver with some once or twice a week purging episodes thrown in to take care of family dinners and such until my junior year of high-school. By then the starving shit had gotten old, I was working in a restaurant where I got free meals, and I had quit most of the organized sports cuz I wasn't that good. My weight crept up during my senior year and I was once again chunky as I accepted my diploma.
In college I quite purging but kept on bingeing as that is how I deal with stress. And boy, did I have stress. Paying my own way, working 2 and 3 jobs and graduating suma cum laude, and oh yeah fat girl why don't you try and have a social life too??? I graduated college obese. Seriously. My highest known weight (cuz I didn't weigh myself at all that I can remember during college) was 238. And I'm 5'2". So, that put my BMI at 43.5. (Wow, I was quite the lil' heifer... I had never figured the actual numbers until now.)
I graduated college with a full-time job lined up, so I made losing weight my priority. I exercised, ate reasonably healthy, and managed to lose at a slow but steady rate of 1-2lbs a month (yeah, a friggin month!!) for a few years and was down to around 175 when I really got stuck. It was close to my 10-year high-school reunion when I tried low-carb for the first time and got down to 161. Blew it after the reunion and gained it back, but managed to work my way down to around 146 for my trip to Hawaii a few years later. Then back up to 155-160 until I got engaged last year and decided to shot for the moon and get down to 135. See, 136 is the top weight for "normal" BMI for someone of my diminutives stature.
I didn't quite make it, sorry to say. But I got damn close at 138. I felt like I was the queen of the world, living the dream, hot and sexy and THIN!!! And then I saw some unflattering pics from the wedding. Fuck all. I ain't hot. I ain't thin. I have saggy skin and jiggly fat and I still look thick in the middle and have huge thighs!!!
So I have been stuffing my face and avoiding exercise and just generally punishing myself from the inside out for being so deluded for the past six weeks. I mean, what was I thinking?!?!? People who are 4 to 6 inches taller than me have 135 as a goal weight. To look thin you have to actually be thin unless you can somehow photoshop your image before it hits the retinas of anyone around you. I'm pretty sure my weight is back up to 150, if not higher, but I'm totally not stepping on the scale for a L-O-N-G time.
So, after much self-flagellation I have set a new goal weight. 119 pounds/BMI 21.8 or exactly HALF of what I used to be. And thus the name of this blog. (OK, if you run the numbers half of 43.5 is 21.75, but I'm rounding up a touch to make it work out nice and pretty.) That is right in the middle of the healthy range for my height, so when my fat relatives start moaning about my "unnatural thinness" I can justifiably tell them to stuff it. Please excuse me if my success blows your "we have fat genes" argument out of the water.
There is absolutely no reason I can't "find half" and be who I want. I just have to find the courage and strength to do it. I need to just Stop. Fucking. Eating!! and Get. My. Ass. Off. The. Couch!!!
Watch me world...I'll get there and I will ROCK!!!
Well, my mood has improved and the bingeing is lessening (funny how those go hand-in-hand) so snaps up for that. I have finally accomplished some shit that I had let slide for way to long. Certainly there is more to do, but at least I made a dent in the mountain.
My weight and exercise and healthy eating have not improved much at all. After those damn cookies threw me off I have been finding it hard to go back to the low-carb thing. I know it works, I know it is the best way for ME to lose and still feel satisfied, but I just don't have the desire to commit in the way you have to for it to work. It's all chemistry. A delicate balance that can be thrown off by a single sugary bite.
Starting tomorrow (after Valentine's waffles for breakfast) I'm gonna try old-fashioned calorie restriction. I'm hoping the spirit of Ana will come upon me and I'll rekindle my long-lost love of fasting.
History time: I was a chunky kid who slimmed down the summer between fifth and sixth grades when I read a book about an anorexic girl. (So cliche, classic cautionary tale leads girl to destruction...) Between my growth-spurt, avoiding food at all costs, and compulsive exercise I was a pretty successful starver with some once or twice a week purging episodes thrown in to take care of family dinners and such until my junior year of high-school. By then the starving shit had gotten old, I was working in a restaurant where I got free meals, and I had quit most of the organized sports cuz I wasn't that good. My weight crept up during my senior year and I was once again chunky as I accepted my diploma.
In college I quite purging but kept on bingeing as that is how I deal with stress. And boy, did I have stress. Paying my own way, working 2 and 3 jobs and graduating suma cum laude, and oh yeah fat girl why don't you try and have a social life too??? I graduated college obese. Seriously. My highest known weight (cuz I didn't weigh myself at all that I can remember during college) was 238. And I'm 5'2". So, that put my BMI at 43.5. (Wow, I was quite the lil' heifer... I had never figured the actual numbers until now.)
I graduated college with a full-time job lined up, so I made losing weight my priority. I exercised, ate reasonably healthy, and managed to lose at a slow but steady rate of 1-2lbs a month (yeah, a friggin month!!) for a few years and was down to around 175 when I really got stuck. It was close to my 10-year high-school reunion when I tried low-carb for the first time and got down to 161. Blew it after the reunion and gained it back, but managed to work my way down to around 146 for my trip to Hawaii a few years later. Then back up to 155-160 until I got engaged last year and decided to shot for the moon and get down to 135. See, 136 is the top weight for "normal" BMI for someone of my diminutives stature.
I didn't quite make it, sorry to say. But I got damn close at 138. I felt like I was the queen of the world, living the dream, hot and sexy and THIN!!! And then I saw some unflattering pics from the wedding. Fuck all. I ain't hot. I ain't thin. I have saggy skin and jiggly fat and I still look thick in the middle and have huge thighs!!!
So I have been stuffing my face and avoiding exercise and just generally punishing myself from the inside out for being so deluded for the past six weeks. I mean, what was I thinking?!?!? People who are 4 to 6 inches taller than me have 135 as a goal weight. To look thin you have to actually be thin unless you can somehow photoshop your image before it hits the retinas of anyone around you. I'm pretty sure my weight is back up to 150, if not higher, but I'm totally not stepping on the scale for a L-O-N-G time.
So, after much self-flagellation I have set a new goal weight. 119 pounds/BMI 21.8 or exactly HALF of what I used to be. And thus the name of this blog. (OK, if you run the numbers half of 43.5 is 21.75, but I'm rounding up a touch to make it work out nice and pretty.) That is right in the middle of the healthy range for my height, so when my fat relatives start moaning about my "unnatural thinness" I can justifiably tell them to stuff it. Please excuse me if my success blows your "we have fat genes" argument out of the water.
There is absolutely no reason I can't "find half" and be who I want. I just have to find the courage and strength to do it. I need to just Stop. Fucking. Eating!! and Get. My. Ass. Off. The. Couch!!!
Watch me world...I'll get there and I will ROCK!!!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Shee-it
Yesterday was a fail and today I am slogging thru the muck of poor choices. I couldn't make it out of the checkout isle without grabbing a trigger food and that was the pebble that started the avalanche of spending, eating, purging. Fail, fail, fail... I had been doing so well Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday that I got smug. I even remember thinking "gee, this isn't even close to being as hard as the other times." And that's when it all fell apart...
Here are the things that I think contributed to the fail. These are NOT excuses. There are no excuses as everything can be worked around. Plus, shooting yourself in the foot doesn't count as an excuse, that's just your own damn stupidity.
1. I am freaking out about $$, the fact I have no job and no prospects and my unemployment is running out. Tracking my spending is just making me more nervous and has contributed to the desire to spend $$ and the shopping binges. I still feel bad about the $38 I spent on Wednesday.
2. I am fighting a stomach bug. Low carb foods and nausea just don't jive. I gave up and ate macaroni and sf pudding yesterday. If I had been a good anorexic, I would have just embraced the opportunity to eat nothing. Damn you survival instinct!!
3. I weighed myself. Fuck. My rational brain knows I can't lose 15 or 10 or even 5 pounds a week, by my crazy brain still some how expects a few days of healthy eating and a few workouts will fix everything. Fuck... I know that I lose weight slowly, that's just how it is. I can expect to lose 2-5 lbs a month if I am firing on all cylinders. Binging is not firing on all cylinders.
Today I pick up and move on. I'm not sure what to do about exercise as I am still feeling sickish. I want to go shopping again as my husband is out of town and it seems like the only good way to get out of the house and amuse myself and stay away from the food. Of course, that could very well give me more stress if I find something I can't live without...
Here are the things that I think contributed to the fail. These are NOT excuses. There are no excuses as everything can be worked around. Plus, shooting yourself in the foot doesn't count as an excuse, that's just your own damn stupidity.
1. I am freaking out about $$, the fact I have no job and no prospects and my unemployment is running out. Tracking my spending is just making me more nervous and has contributed to the desire to spend $$ and the shopping binges. I still feel bad about the $38 I spent on Wednesday.
2. I am fighting a stomach bug. Low carb foods and nausea just don't jive. I gave up and ate macaroni and sf pudding yesterday. If I had been a good anorexic, I would have just embraced the opportunity to eat nothing. Damn you survival instinct!!
3. I weighed myself. Fuck. My rational brain knows I can't lose 15 or 10 or even 5 pounds a week, by my crazy brain still some how expects a few days of healthy eating and a few workouts will fix everything. Fuck... I know that I lose weight slowly, that's just how it is. I can expect to lose 2-5 lbs a month if I am firing on all cylinders. Binging is not firing on all cylinders.
Today I pick up and move on. I'm not sure what to do about exercise as I am still feeling sickish. I want to go shopping again as my husband is out of town and it seems like the only good way to get out of the house and amuse myself and stay away from the food. Of course, that could very well give me more stress if I find something I can't live without...
Monday, January 25, 2010
Go shawty... It's ya birthday
Yep, today I am 35. Woke up with a raging case of the cramps--Thank you Aunt Flo. Took a handful of ibuprofen and went back to bed for 2 hours. Why not? It's my birthday?!?!
Weighed myself today. Up to 148 (on my scale that weighs light)...Fook et! That's up 10lbs from my pre-wedding weight, in less than a month. Dang, I am certainly a pro at packin' on the pounds. Of course, I have been putting away the sweets and fast food like a starvin' piglet, so I'm not surprised. Time to reap what I sow and pay the piper and all that.
Today, however, I was blessed in that I didn't wake up with the raging hunger that I have had for the past week. (Hummm...hormones perhaps?) In fact, I didn't eat breakfast until 12:30 so good job there. I have to save calories as I know there will be a b-day dinner tonight. (That's what anorexics do, right? Well, no. They just don't eat. Healthy people budget and balance calories. Damn, I'll have to work on that--after I get my celebration dinner. It takes an act of congress for my hubby to willingly take me out so I'm not lettin' this chance slip. Perhaps by next year I will be a better anorexic and will be able to pass up the goodies I am entitled to on the day of my birth...)
I never visualized myself at this age. I never really thought much about what life would be like after my 20's, but I always had a vision of myself as a white-haired old lady painting pictures and puttering around outside. It's like I had a huge blind spot about the middle of my life. Which may be why there ain't shit worth talkin' bout happenin' here. I did get married before turning 35 (barely!) Slid in under the wire of old-maid-dom with less than a month to spare. Guess it's time to get up, get out there, and get a life. Gotta fill this space while I wait for my hair to turn white.
Happy b-day to me.
Weighed myself today. Up to 148 (on my scale that weighs light)...Fook et! That's up 10lbs from my pre-wedding weight, in less than a month. Dang, I am certainly a pro at packin' on the pounds. Of course, I have been putting away the sweets and fast food like a starvin' piglet, so I'm not surprised. Time to reap what I sow and pay the piper and all that.
Today, however, I was blessed in that I didn't wake up with the raging hunger that I have had for the past week. (Hummm...hormones perhaps?) In fact, I didn't eat breakfast until 12:30 so good job there. I have to save calories as I know there will be a b-day dinner tonight. (That's what anorexics do, right? Well, no. They just don't eat. Healthy people budget and balance calories. Damn, I'll have to work on that--after I get my celebration dinner. It takes an act of congress for my hubby to willingly take me out so I'm not lettin' this chance slip. Perhaps by next year I will be a better anorexic and will be able to pass up the goodies I am entitled to on the day of my birth...)
I never visualized myself at this age. I never really thought much about what life would be like after my 20's, but I always had a vision of myself as a white-haired old lady painting pictures and puttering around outside. It's like I had a huge blind spot about the middle of my life. Which may be why there ain't shit worth talkin' bout happenin' here. I did get married before turning 35 (barely!) Slid in under the wire of old-maid-dom with less than a month to spare. Guess it's time to get up, get out there, and get a life. Gotta fill this space while I wait for my hair to turn white.
Happy b-day to me.
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