No. 1) I got a job. I love it (mostly). I have been there nearly 3 months, got the corporate shirts and business cards to prove it. Negotiated a salary comparable to the one I had before the great unemployment. Go me.
No. 2) I'm still doing the therapy and meds thing. Will taper off both in the new year as I have gotten my shit mostly together. Enough at least to snow them into thinking I'm ok to go it alone.
No. 3) I am fucking FAT. For real. Ick....
No. 4) My husband is being a fucking asshole. For real. Ick....
No. 5) I am super-freaked out that I might be pregnant. For real. Fuck... That's not in the plan. I can't do the mommy thing and there is no way my husband is father material. Don't even try to convince me.
More updates will follow. Since my husband has now morphed into an ass, I doubt I will be spending as much time making goo-goo eyes at him and will have more time to bitch on this blog.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Creeping back, or, The good/the bad/the ugly
So....I've been gone for what, a month or so? Quite a bit of nothing special and a little moderately interesting stuff happened so here is the breakdown.
The good: I GOT A FREAKING JOB!!! Finally! And I negotiated a salary $2 an hour higher than what they wanted to start me at. Yay for me! Momma's gonna get paid!
The bad: My I-think-he-is-an-alcoholic-but-he-doesn't-agree-with-me husband has started slipping back into the bottle. FML. He was totally sober for a year after he got arrested, then only drank a beer now and then for a year after that, then moved up to two, and in the last few months has steadily upped his intake. I think he had nine last night. Once again, FML.
The ugly: I am so fucking fat I can't even deal with it. Seriously, none of my clothes fit and now I have to look presentable 5 days a week. I think about working out and eating healthy but I just can't DO it for some reason. If I gain 5 more pounds I am stopping the anti-depressants. Sorry, I'd rather be normal weight and depressed with clothes I can wear than obese and chemically happy and shopping in the plus department. Hopefully after the 90-day probation period at work I can start smoking weed again if I have to quit the anti-ds. I actually lost weight when I dabbled with the smoke for a few months last year.
So, that's the highlights. I will try to get myself on a schedule with writing and posting which hopefully with morph into me caring about my weight again and finding the motivation to actually do something about it.
Love to you all....
The good: I GOT A FREAKING JOB!!! Finally! And I negotiated a salary $2 an hour higher than what they wanted to start me at. Yay for me! Momma's gonna get paid!
The bad: My I-think-he-is-an-alcoholic-but-he-doesn't-agree-with-me husband has started slipping back into the bottle. FML. He was totally sober for a year after he got arrested, then only drank a beer now and then for a year after that, then moved up to two, and in the last few months has steadily upped his intake. I think he had nine last night. Once again, FML.
The ugly: I am so fucking fat I can't even deal with it. Seriously, none of my clothes fit and now I have to look presentable 5 days a week. I think about working out and eating healthy but I just can't DO it for some reason. If I gain 5 more pounds I am stopping the anti-depressants. Sorry, I'd rather be normal weight and depressed with clothes I can wear than obese and chemically happy and shopping in the plus department. Hopefully after the 90-day probation period at work I can start smoking weed again if I have to quit the anti-ds. I actually lost weight when I dabbled with the smoke for a few months last year.
So, that's the highlights. I will try to get myself on a schedule with writing and posting which hopefully with morph into me caring about my weight again and finding the motivation to actually do something about it.
Love to you all....
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Anti-exercise
I wish I could figure out why I have totally stopped exercising. I miss my toned muscles, but just don't have it in me to go work out. :(
Maybe I will bring this up with my counselor at our meeting tomorrow. I felt better after talking to him last week. Get this, he is 75 years old! So far I like him a lot. Very easy to talk to and pays attention. But he has been doing this for 50-some years so he should be good at it. I wonder if/when he is gonna start asking tough questions and saying things I don't want to hear.
I know I have gotten so, so lazy. I need to get the fuck up and out and get on with my life. As in find a job, work on my house, lose weight, exercise, figure out what the heck is going on with my retirement accounts, make contact with friends, you know--basic life shit... But sometimes I just like staying home and doing nothing but sitting on the computer all day. Shoot me. I used to be so driven, always getting high grades in school, tons of extracurriculars, working 2 and 3 and 4 jobs, exercising 2 hours a day. And now look at me. The pendulum has certainly swung the other way.
Maybe I'm burnt out. But I secretly fear I'm just lazy and right now events have conspired to let me get away with it...
Maybe I will bring this up with my counselor at our meeting tomorrow. I felt better after talking to him last week. Get this, he is 75 years old! So far I like him a lot. Very easy to talk to and pays attention. But he has been doing this for 50-some years so he should be good at it. I wonder if/when he is gonna start asking tough questions and saying things I don't want to hear.
I know I have gotten so, so lazy. I need to get the fuck up and out and get on with my life. As in find a job, work on my house, lose weight, exercise, figure out what the heck is going on with my retirement accounts, make contact with friends, you know--basic life shit... But sometimes I just like staying home and doing nothing but sitting on the computer all day. Shoot me. I used to be so driven, always getting high grades in school, tons of extracurriculars, working 2 and 3 and 4 jobs, exercising 2 hours a day. And now look at me. The pendulum has certainly swung the other way.
Maybe I'm burnt out. But I secretly fear I'm just lazy and right now events have conspired to let me get away with it...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thursday update
Today had some good and some not good parts. I guess that works out to an average day.
The good: Did back-to-back aerobic classes this morning.
Drank 2 liters of water.
Took a nap in the afternoon and cuddled my dog.
The bad: A total stranger got on me about dog crap in his yard. My dog was not even crapping, she was just walkin her slow ass thru his grass. Fucker. Makes me want to fill his yard with stinky dog shit.
I didn't get any of the job apps in. I guess there is always tomorrow. I just can't get motivated to open myself up for more rejection.
Ate too much at breakfast and lunch, had a mini-binge in the afternoon and then remedied the situation with a little purging. I figure I've got the skill, I might as well use it. Then I took more pills and have had only a little snack and coffee since the purge.
Tomorrow I seriously need to get on it with the jobs and I need to go to the mall to pay a bill. I may buy some more tank tops and then I seriously need to shut down the spending. I have spent $140 on clothes in less than a week. (Not much to some of you, but then you have jobs and such...)
I'm not sure what the exercise or eating situation will turn out like. Hubby has invited a friend and his gf over in the evening, so I won't be doing my run if that happens. (This friend is notorious for making plans and bailing.) I will still go to aerobics in the morning so that will get me an hour of exercise. I thought about getting up early to run before class but that isn't really in the cards. I'm trying to do strenuous exercise morning and evening to keep my metabolism up. Plus my left knee is feeling a little twingey so I prolly should rest it.
And we are supposed to order Chinese when/if they come over. I may just fast all day so I can eat and enjoy it knowing it is my only calories for the day. Of course, that goes against my natural desire to eat the majority of my calories in the morning, but then again I won't get skinny if I follow my natural desires, will I?
The good: Did back-to-back aerobic classes this morning.
Drank 2 liters of water.
Took a nap in the afternoon and cuddled my dog.
The bad: A total stranger got on me about dog crap in his yard. My dog was not even crapping, she was just walkin her slow ass thru his grass. Fucker. Makes me want to fill his yard with stinky dog shit.
I didn't get any of the job apps in. I guess there is always tomorrow. I just can't get motivated to open myself up for more rejection.
Ate too much at breakfast and lunch, had a mini-binge in the afternoon and then remedied the situation with a little purging. I figure I've got the skill, I might as well use it. Then I took more pills and have had only a little snack and coffee since the purge.
Tomorrow I seriously need to get on it with the jobs and I need to go to the mall to pay a bill. I may buy some more tank tops and then I seriously need to shut down the spending. I have spent $140 on clothes in less than a week. (Not much to some of you, but then you have jobs and such...)
I'm not sure what the exercise or eating situation will turn out like. Hubby has invited a friend and his gf over in the evening, so I won't be doing my run if that happens. (This friend is notorious for making plans and bailing.) I will still go to aerobics in the morning so that will get me an hour of exercise. I thought about getting up early to run before class but that isn't really in the cards. I'm trying to do strenuous exercise morning and evening to keep my metabolism up. Plus my left knee is feeling a little twingey so I prolly should rest it.
And we are supposed to order Chinese when/if they come over. I may just fast all day so I can eat and enjoy it knowing it is my only calories for the day. Of course, that goes against my natural desire to eat the majority of my calories in the morning, but then again I won't get skinny if I follow my natural desires, will I?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Reporting in
I did do a lot better today. No b/p so big snaps up for that.
Made it to morning aerobics class.
Bought craft items at a discount store and am stoked to get into the craft room and use them.
Ate half of what I normally would for breakfast, had a salad for lunch, and only 3 bites of husband's sandwich for dinner. Plus coffee and 2 little snacks during the day. (This restriction is diet-pill aided. Is it cheating? Maybe, but I need a boost to get me going.)
I went for a run/walk this evening. Ok, more walk than run but I am increasing the number of blocks I run v. ones I walk each time. I nearly chickened out because when I got to the area I run in, there were lots of cars. I started freaking out thinking how folks were gonna see my fat jiggling and I didn't have my cute dog along to distract them. (She has a sore foot and is recuperating for a few weeks.) I really wanted to bail, but I told myself that the only way to get this jiggly fat off is to "do it." So I did it. Yay me.
When I got home, husband was just leaving to take the dog for a walk and I went along because he asked me to. I resisted my first impulse the flop on the couch and let them go alone. So I got a little more exercise. Yay me again.
While we were out walking, husband told me I looked "damn good these past few days in my new clothes" so that made me feel good. I mean, it sucks that I have not attained my goal of fitting into those smaller things I have, but it is nice to know I am looking good to hubby while endeavoring to "under grow" those new items. Plus, I do think loser clothes make you look thinner. Like, not so huge they look balloon-ish, but skin tight is just not flattering to anyone who doesn't have good muscle tone and LOW body fat. Maria Carey was the perfect example of this in the 90s. I always thought she would not look as fat if she just bought clothes a size bigger. Now she really does need to lose a few pounds, but she's married and happy and getting older and I can't fault her for being in the exact same situation I am in, now can I?
So that's a recap of my pretty good day. (Oh, and the dead birds are gone so husband is safe from my wrath. And I drank 2+ liters of water today.) I must get to bed before the diet pills wear off and the hunger returns. Tomorrow I am putting in apps for 8 jobs. Wish me luck...
Made it to morning aerobics class.
Bought craft items at a discount store and am stoked to get into the craft room and use them.
Ate half of what I normally would for breakfast, had a salad for lunch, and only 3 bites of husband's sandwich for dinner. Plus coffee and 2 little snacks during the day. (This restriction is diet-pill aided. Is it cheating? Maybe, but I need a boost to get me going.)
I went for a run/walk this evening. Ok, more walk than run but I am increasing the number of blocks I run v. ones I walk each time. I nearly chickened out because when I got to the area I run in, there were lots of cars. I started freaking out thinking how folks were gonna see my fat jiggling and I didn't have my cute dog along to distract them. (She has a sore foot and is recuperating for a few weeks.) I really wanted to bail, but I told myself that the only way to get this jiggly fat off is to "do it." So I did it. Yay me.
When I got home, husband was just leaving to take the dog for a walk and I went along because he asked me to. I resisted my first impulse the flop on the couch and let them go alone. So I got a little more exercise. Yay me again.
While we were out walking, husband told me I looked "damn good these past few days in my new clothes" so that made me feel good. I mean, it sucks that I have not attained my goal of fitting into those smaller things I have, but it is nice to know I am looking good to hubby while endeavoring to "under grow" those new items. Plus, I do think loser clothes make you look thinner. Like, not so huge they look balloon-ish, but skin tight is just not flattering to anyone who doesn't have good muscle tone and LOW body fat. Maria Carey was the perfect example of this in the 90s. I always thought she would not look as fat if she just bought clothes a size bigger. Now she really does need to lose a few pounds, but she's married and happy and getting older and I can't fault her for being in the exact same situation I am in, now can I?
So that's a recap of my pretty good day. (Oh, and the dead birds are gone so husband is safe from my wrath. And I drank 2+ liters of water today.) I must get to bed before the diet pills wear off and the hunger returns. Tomorrow I am putting in apps for 8 jobs. Wish me luck...
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Tuseday blither
I have lots rattling around in my brain, but I don't know how much I'll get out before I lose interest or if it will be worth reading for anyone. But it's my blog, and I can bore you to tears if I wanna.
The good: Got some new clothes for cheap this weekend. So my fat ass is covered in a stylish manner and I can go out in public without a 2-hour freak-out about what I'm gonna wear.
The bad: A cat has taken up residence on our front porch and is amassing a lovely collection of decapitated bird carcases. I sweetly mentioned to my husband 2 days ago that I would like them gone. As of this morning they are still there. Guess it's time to get the bitch out and MAKE him get rid of them.
The ugly: I have skipped morning workout on the pretense of cleaning house and instead spent most of the time stuffing my face with graham crackers. I have also eaten pasta salad and cooked a pizza. Yes, there is purging in my near future. I promise I really will try to do better tomorrow...
The good: Got some new clothes for cheap this weekend. So my fat ass is covered in a stylish manner and I can go out in public without a 2-hour freak-out about what I'm gonna wear.
The bad: A cat has taken up residence on our front porch and is amassing a lovely collection of decapitated bird carcases. I sweetly mentioned to my husband 2 days ago that I would like them gone. As of this morning they are still there. Guess it's time to get the bitch out and MAKE him get rid of them.
The ugly: I have skipped morning workout on the pretense of cleaning house and instead spent most of the time stuffing my face with graham crackers. I have also eaten pasta salad and cooked a pizza. Yes, there is purging in my near future. I promise I really will try to do better tomorrow...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Tired? Uninspired?
Not much blogging going on with me for a while now. I read other blogs, rarely comment, and then come here and start a post that never gets finished. I have been busy, but not doing things that matter. Not losing, barely working out, eating has been all over the place. I have tons of thoughts in my head and things I need to sit down and write about, but I just can't get my shit together enough to DO it.
One thing I am happy to report. After living with my husband for 13 months, I have finally purged our home of the excess furniture and duplicate household goods. The house now looks like a place where people live instead of a storage unit. It has taken a year of having garage sales and selling stuff on Craig's list, not to mention the marital discord the "unburdening" has caused. But, it's over now. (Of course there is always more crap we could get rid of. Life just seems to accumulate crap, doesn't it? But at least there are not 5 sofas in the house any more!)
So, instead of being witty or inspiring for y'all, I am gonna go downstairs and rearrange the remaining furniture and sweep the floor.
One thing I am happy to report. After living with my husband for 13 months, I have finally purged our home of the excess furniture and duplicate household goods. The house now looks like a place where people live instead of a storage unit. It has taken a year of having garage sales and selling stuff on Craig's list, not to mention the marital discord the "unburdening" has caused. But, it's over now. (Of course there is always more crap we could get rid of. Life just seems to accumulate crap, doesn't it? But at least there are not 5 sofas in the house any more!)
So, instead of being witty or inspiring for y'all, I am gonna go downstairs and rearrange the remaining furniture and sweep the floor.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Just because...
Just because I was phoning it in at tutoring today and my student missed six points on the quiz.......I am not a bad person.
Just because my house is littered with 32 and 44oz Styrofoam cups because fountain Diet Dr. Pepper is my new crack.........I am not a bad person.
Just because my dog needs a bath and a toenail trim and is scratching like she has fleas.......I am not a bad person.
Just because I gave my horrible bronchial illness and cough-from-hell to my mother.......I am not a bad person.
Just because I have a UTI and have to pee about 6-million times a day.......I am not a bad person.
Just because my check did not come in the mail today and I have $2 and change in my purse for the weekend.........I am not a bad person.
Just because I don't wanna go camping when it is damp and windy and 38 degrees.......I am not a bad person. (This one's for you, husband.)
Just because I spent my free time this past week shopping and playing Farmville instead of applying for jobs.......I am not a bad person.
Just because I spent over $50 on clothes this week........I am not a bad person.
Just because I skipped workout today...........I am not a bad person.
Just because I ate rice and sausage today.....I am not a bad person.
Just because I ate a bagel......I am not a bad person.
Just because I binged and purged today..........I AM NOT A BAD PERSON.
Just because my house is littered with 32 and 44oz Styrofoam cups because fountain Diet Dr. Pepper is my new crack.........I am not a bad person.
Just because my dog needs a bath and a toenail trim and is scratching like she has fleas.......I am not a bad person.
Just because I gave my horrible bronchial illness and cough-from-hell to my mother.......I am not a bad person.
Just because I have a UTI and have to pee about 6-million times a day.......I am not a bad person.
Just because my check did not come in the mail today and I have $2 and change in my purse for the weekend.........I am not a bad person.
Just because I don't wanna go camping when it is damp and windy and 38 degrees.......I am not a bad person. (This one's for you, husband.)
Just because I spent my free time this past week shopping and playing Farmville instead of applying for jobs.......I am not a bad person.
Just because I spent over $50 on clothes this week........I am not a bad person.
Just because I skipped workout today...........I am not a bad person.
Just because I ate rice and sausage today.....I am not a bad person.
Just because I ate a bagel......I am not a bad person.
Just because I binged and purged today..........I AM NOT A BAD PERSON.
Friday, April 9, 2010
update
So far this week I am proud to say I have had five days low carb and attended 2 exercise classes. (Normally 2 classes is freakin' pitiful for me, but I'm still recovering from "the illness." Fuckin' cough just won't go away.)
Tomorrow is official weigh/measure day and calorie counting begins. I can't decide if I should use 1200 or 1400 cals as my daily target. Jillian Michaels says my count should be 14644. Not that I have actually asked her, but doing the basal metabolic calculation she recommends that's what my numbers come out to. But, there are millions of WW folks who use points which--by the end when you are close to goal--work out to being roughly 1200 a day. (I watched a podcast in which a WW blogger explained some of the secret points formula.)
Anyway, I was more fired up about this earlier in the week. Had yet another dream ripped away last night and was up till 4am. My FB post for today was "Hope may float, but it also has acquired the habit of leaving me disappointed each time I let it in."
More tomorrow...
Tomorrow is official weigh/measure day and calorie counting begins. I can't decide if I should use 1200 or 1400 cals as my daily target. Jillian Michaels says my count should be 14644. Not that I have actually asked her, but doing the basal metabolic calculation she recommends that's what my numbers come out to. But, there are millions of WW folks who use points which--by the end when you are close to goal--work out to being roughly 1200 a day. (I watched a podcast in which a WW blogger explained some of the secret points formula.)
Anyway, I was more fired up about this earlier in the week. Had yet another dream ripped away last night and was up till 4am. My FB post for today was "Hope may float, but it also has acquired the habit of leaving me disappointed each time I let it in."
More tomorrow...
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Time, oh time
Really, where DOES the f**in' time go? I have so many things I should and could be doing since I am unemployed, yet do I get anything done past the bare minimum?? That would be a big fat no...
Stressin', stressin', stressin'. I need a system, or a plan, or a deadline, or something to make me get my poop in a group. I used to be someone who worked 3 jobs and graduated college suma cum laude and really had her shit together. (Of course I was stressed out to the max and didn't have many friends and hardly ever got laid.) Now I have no real job (the tutoring gig is only 10 hours a week), can get laid as much as I want (believe me, husband is always up for a tumble) and do stuff with friends several times a week. Perhaps it's a trade-off?
This post is going in too many directions today. I'm gonna cut this off and go do SOMETHING so I at least get 1 thing off my to-do list.
Stressin', stressin', stressin'. I need a system, or a plan, or a deadline, or something to make me get my poop in a group. I used to be someone who worked 3 jobs and graduated college suma cum laude and really had her shit together. (Of course I was stressed out to the max and didn't have many friends and hardly ever got laid.) Now I have no real job (the tutoring gig is only 10 hours a week), can get laid as much as I want (believe me, husband is always up for a tumble) and do stuff with friends several times a week. Perhaps it's a trade-off?
This post is going in too many directions today. I'm gonna cut this off and go do SOMETHING so I at least get 1 thing off my to-do list.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
It's a beautiful day......
...cue Bono belting it out while wearing those glasses with colored lenses...
No really, it is beautiful here in T-town today. Sunshine and 60 degrees. Time for sunglasses and jackets, baby. I'm fighting the urge to take my wool coat to the cleaners since it is supposed to snow in 2 days. (Yeah, bummer.) I was riding around in the car with the sunroof open this afternoon. Hallelujah!
Took the dog on a nice long walk mid-morning. It was so great. I think that is one of the things I dread most about becoming employed full time, missing the 9 or 10 am perambles with the doggit. I guess I could look for an afternoon/evening gig. Not sure how that will work out with cutting into the hanging-out-with-the-husband-time, but I guess we will just see (1) if I get a job (2) what the hours are, and (3) if we are sick of each other by then.
I'm feeling better today. My cold is finally lessening and I am returning to the land of the living. I actually did some dishes and laundry. And I finally received payment for my first 3 weeks of tutoring. Yay for $$$!! (Can I go shopping now?)
I've relaxed quite a bit on the eating, but I'm not feeling too stressed about it at the moment. The cold has left me with less appetite than normal. (Of course, my normal state is constantly ravenous.) My weight has dropped a bit, and I plan to get back to exercise class tomorrow. (Gotta try out the new shoes that came last week.)
I'm thinking that I will give myself next week to get back in the exercise routine and then the first week of April I'll kick it in the pants with the diet.
Sorry for the boring, rambling nature of this post. Between the cold meds (pseudoephedreine, I heart you so much right now) and the nice day I'm feeling quite mellow. Don't worry, the angst will be back in a day or two like the alley cat that always craps in your convertible when you leave the top down.
No really, it is beautiful here in T-town today. Sunshine and 60 degrees. Time for sunglasses and jackets, baby. I'm fighting the urge to take my wool coat to the cleaners since it is supposed to snow in 2 days. (Yeah, bummer.) I was riding around in the car with the sunroof open this afternoon. Hallelujah!
Took the dog on a nice long walk mid-morning. It was so great. I think that is one of the things I dread most about becoming employed full time, missing the 9 or 10 am perambles with the doggit. I guess I could look for an afternoon/evening gig. Not sure how that will work out with cutting into the hanging-out-with-the-husband-time, but I guess we will just see (1) if I get a job (2) what the hours are, and (3) if we are sick of each other by then.
I'm feeling better today. My cold is finally lessening and I am returning to the land of the living. I actually did some dishes and laundry. And I finally received payment for my first 3 weeks of tutoring. Yay for $$$!! (Can I go shopping now?)
I've relaxed quite a bit on the eating, but I'm not feeling too stressed about it at the moment. The cold has left me with less appetite than normal. (Of course, my normal state is constantly ravenous.) My weight has dropped a bit, and I plan to get back to exercise class tomorrow. (Gotta try out the new shoes that came last week.)
I'm thinking that I will give myself next week to get back in the exercise routine and then the first week of April I'll kick it in the pants with the diet.
Sorry for the boring, rambling nature of this post. Between the cold meds (pseudoephedreine, I heart you so much right now) and the nice day I'm feeling quite mellow. Don't worry, the angst will be back in a day or two like the alley cat that always craps in your convertible when you leave the top down.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The "Fuck it" rant
Today, and for some time now, I have just felt like saying "Fuck it. I'm gonna give up the struggle and just be fat." It's not like I have any real reason to be skinny except for vanity. Heck, I met (and was screwing) my husband when I weighed over 200lbs. The wedding is over, I can't afford to buy new clothes, I'm not gonna be on any reality TV shows, and there is really no motivation for me not to throw in the towel.
I'm just sick of feeling like a shitty failure. I'm so MAD at myself for gaining back the 15lbs I lost before the wedding. But, at the same time I would rather do just about anything besides exercise and I just wanna eat what I want and not give a fuck!!!!!!!!!!
.......(ok, I know I won't really give up. But I'm just so frustrated with the struggle and, well, me. I just want to be who I want to be, but it is so friggin HARD to get there. And I'm sucking at it right now)............
I'm just sick of feeling like a shitty failure. I'm so MAD at myself for gaining back the 15lbs I lost before the wedding. But, at the same time I would rather do just about anything besides exercise and I just wanna eat what I want and not give a fuck!!!!!!!!!!
.......(ok, I know I won't really give up. But I'm just so frustrated with the struggle and, well, me. I just want to be who I want to be, but it is so friggin HARD to get there. And I'm sucking at it right now)............
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Work and shit
So, first off. How can working only 10 hours a week suck up all my time? I feel nearly as frazzled and behind as when I was workin 40 hours a week. I am seriously out of shape in regards to this work-for-pay thing. I am pondering finding a full-time gig since, if I'm gonna be behind and stressed and have no time to do what I want, I might as well be making more than $100 a week doing it.
Second, the fuckin' trash company that hosed up my car is now jerkin me around. I gotta go get some paper f--in NOTARISED and send it back and THEN they will mail me a check and my car is going onto the shop on MONDAY and it took them FOREVER to get me the f--in paper so how the F--- long will it take to get the stupid check?!?!? PLUS, I still have not gotten confirmation on the rental car. These people SUCK. I'm glad they are not my trash company or I would have to drop them. F---ers!!
Oh, and the diet? That would be a total fail right now. Crap.
Second, the fuckin' trash company that hosed up my car is now jerkin me around. I gotta go get some paper f--in NOTARISED and send it back and THEN they will mail me a check and my car is going onto the shop on MONDAY and it took them FOREVER to get me the f--in paper so how the F--- long will it take to get the stupid check?!?!? PLUS, I still have not gotten confirmation on the rental car. These people SUCK. I'm glad they are not my trash company or I would have to drop them. F---ers!!
Oh, and the diet? That would be a total fail right now. Crap.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Baby step
Well, I got a teeny-tiny little part-time job today and my husband, mom, and friends are so excited you would think I won the lottery. For 2 hours, 4 afternoons a week I will be reading textbooks to a developmentally disabled man who is taking college classes. We met for the first time today, read a chapter, and he hired me. He seems very polite and intelligent and it was relaxing to be around him. His house is very clean and has nice furniture. He has aids who stay with him at all times. He is obviously very highly-functioning, but can't live alone. Sorta like me right now (haha)
The money is not great, and I'm a little worried how it will affect my unemployment, but it is nice to have a purpose to the day and a reason to get in the shower and get dressed and go out. I have become borderline agoraphobic lately. Or whatever it is when you would rather hide in the house and be miserable than go out and do just about anything. Even shopping has lost its fun... although there are big monetary factors related to that.
Obviously, I have to either keep looking for another job or start making money from some of the other side projects I have going on. There is no way I can live on this salary, but like the title says, it's a baby step.
The money is not great, and I'm a little worried how it will affect my unemployment, but it is nice to have a purpose to the day and a reason to get in the shower and get dressed and go out. I have become borderline agoraphobic lately. Or whatever it is when you would rather hide in the house and be miserable than go out and do just about anything. Even shopping has lost its fun... although there are big monetary factors related to that.
Obviously, I have to either keep looking for another job or start making money from some of the other side projects I have going on. There is no way I can live on this salary, but like the title says, it's a baby step.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thinking about fruit
It snowed like a bitch yesterday, so I have zero motivation to dig out my car and go buy anything, which is helpful to my "week of no spending" goal. Of course, I also have ZERO motivation to go to exercise class.
I just weighed myself and discovered I have gained 14lbs since the wedding. Holy fuck! That's 33lbs from my weight goal. Gawd...I just want to sit in the corner and cry...
My plan for this week is to eat up what is in the house, then restock with fresh, healthy foods. As a low carb follower, I have staunchly avoided fruit cuz fruit=sugar. But my in laws sent me an orange about a month ago and I have been jonesin for more fruit since eating it. Since I am switching to calorie-counting, perhaps I can get away with one piece of fruit a day. I don't know... it's a big shift, but I feel like I need to mix things up as I am getting so bored with what I am eating. And that is leading to eating out and eating crappy foods at home.
I just wish I wasn't so depressed. I just wish I was motivated enough to care, to do, to try. I just wish....wish...wish...
I just weighed myself and discovered I have gained 14lbs since the wedding. Holy fuck! That's 33lbs from my weight goal. Gawd...I just want to sit in the corner and cry...
My plan for this week is to eat up what is in the house, then restock with fresh, healthy foods. As a low carb follower, I have staunchly avoided fruit cuz fruit=sugar. But my in laws sent me an orange about a month ago and I have been jonesin for more fruit since eating it. Since I am switching to calorie-counting, perhaps I can get away with one piece of fruit a day. I don't know... it's a big shift, but I feel like I need to mix things up as I am getting so bored with what I am eating. And that is leading to eating out and eating crappy foods at home.
I just wish I wasn't so depressed. I just wish I was motivated enough to care, to do, to try. I just wish....wish...wish...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Today did not suck
Today I felt good. The coin had flipped and I was back to feeling like someone half-normal who was making the best of her life. I went to exercise class. I bought shoes. I got angry and felt it, talked to someone about it, and then let it go. A casual friend called for no reason other than to say Hi and chat. My husband made a flippant, 3-word statement that made me laugh out loud when he said it and again hours later. I drank half a glass of wine and got nicely tipsy. Someone I have known for years commented that they honestly did not remember me ever having a weight problem and that I have always looked good (even though I weighed at least 40lbs more when I met her. Granted, she smokes a lot of weed, but I still know she meant it.)
All those precious little sparkles have left a warm glow on the day. Here's to tomorrow not sucking. Here's to living life.
All those precious little sparkles have left a warm glow on the day. Here's to tomorrow not sucking. Here's to living life.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Go shawty... It's ya birthday
Yep, today I am 35. Woke up with a raging case of the cramps--Thank you Aunt Flo. Took a handful of ibuprofen and went back to bed for 2 hours. Why not? It's my birthday?!?!
Weighed myself today. Up to 148 (on my scale that weighs light)...Fook et! That's up 10lbs from my pre-wedding weight, in less than a month. Dang, I am certainly a pro at packin' on the pounds. Of course, I have been putting away the sweets and fast food like a starvin' piglet, so I'm not surprised. Time to reap what I sow and pay the piper and all that.
Today, however, I was blessed in that I didn't wake up with the raging hunger that I have had for the past week. (Hummm...hormones perhaps?) In fact, I didn't eat breakfast until 12:30 so good job there. I have to save calories as I know there will be a b-day dinner tonight. (That's what anorexics do, right? Well, no. They just don't eat. Healthy people budget and balance calories. Damn, I'll have to work on that--after I get my celebration dinner. It takes an act of congress for my hubby to willingly take me out so I'm not lettin' this chance slip. Perhaps by next year I will be a better anorexic and will be able to pass up the goodies I am entitled to on the day of my birth...)
I never visualized myself at this age. I never really thought much about what life would be like after my 20's, but I always had a vision of myself as a white-haired old lady painting pictures and puttering around outside. It's like I had a huge blind spot about the middle of my life. Which may be why there ain't shit worth talkin' bout happenin' here. I did get married before turning 35 (barely!) Slid in under the wire of old-maid-dom with less than a month to spare. Guess it's time to get up, get out there, and get a life. Gotta fill this space while I wait for my hair to turn white.
Happy b-day to me.
Weighed myself today. Up to 148 (on my scale that weighs light)...Fook et! That's up 10lbs from my pre-wedding weight, in less than a month. Dang, I am certainly a pro at packin' on the pounds. Of course, I have been putting away the sweets and fast food like a starvin' piglet, so I'm not surprised. Time to reap what I sow and pay the piper and all that.
Today, however, I was blessed in that I didn't wake up with the raging hunger that I have had for the past week. (Hummm...hormones perhaps?) In fact, I didn't eat breakfast until 12:30 so good job there. I have to save calories as I know there will be a b-day dinner tonight. (That's what anorexics do, right? Well, no. They just don't eat. Healthy people budget and balance calories. Damn, I'll have to work on that--after I get my celebration dinner. It takes an act of congress for my hubby to willingly take me out so I'm not lettin' this chance slip. Perhaps by next year I will be a better anorexic and will be able to pass up the goodies I am entitled to on the day of my birth...)
I never visualized myself at this age. I never really thought much about what life would be like after my 20's, but I always had a vision of myself as a white-haired old lady painting pictures and puttering around outside. It's like I had a huge blind spot about the middle of my life. Which may be why there ain't shit worth talkin' bout happenin' here. I did get married before turning 35 (barely!) Slid in under the wire of old-maid-dom with less than a month to spare. Guess it's time to get up, get out there, and get a life. Gotta fill this space while I wait for my hair to turn white.
Happy b-day to me.
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