White horse wanted

As I am coming out of my fog of depression (thanks, meds) I look around me and see that others near and dear to me are suffering and I feel bad for neglecting them. In my rational mind I KNOW that I need to take care of myself first, but there is a big part of me that wants to please everyone and fix everything and make it all better because the whole time I was growing up I was told I was wonderful and special* and could do anything at all I set my mind to. And it just happens that I seem to have set my mind on fixing everything. Even though I can't.

Case in point... My mom. She is in major debt, struggling to pay her bills. She has an "issue" with spending money she doesn't have, living beyond her means, and using possessions to "keep up appearances." She lives on a farm. She works in my small hometown with a full time job in local government (prestigious, but not too lucrative) and teaches part time at the local community college. If she had reigned in her spending after my dad died in 2002 she would prolly be fine today. But then, of course, she would not be who she is.... Her financial ship is sinking and I feel compelled to try and bail her out, even though I am unemployed, with only $3000 to my name and a husband who is losing patience with me in regards to my lack of employment.

Part of me knows that any help I give her would just be like pouring a glass of water on a bonfire, but as her daughter (and only child) the pull to do what I can is just so strong. I know she needs to learn this lesson and must suffer the consequences of her actions, even if it means filing bankruptcy or selling the farm. But still, it's just so hard to watch...

And then there is my husband. He is home sick right now, and I know it's from stress. He has been really pushing me to take any kind of job I can find. Like, working in a daycare or at a pizza chain. And I'm resisting and he's losing his patience. I see his point that a job is a job but I mean, fuck!?!?! How is that gonna get me back on track with my career? I didn't work 2 and 3 and 4 jobs to put myself through college to wipe noses or make pizza. (Not that I'm dissing those who do, but it's not for me.) Until my unemployment has officially run out I'm not taking a job that's less than $10 an hour. And anyway, how am I supposed to have the time to find a good job if I'm spending all my time working a shitty one?

Damn, it would be nice if I could put the depressed blinders back on and ignore this shit a little longer.


*(except when my dad got pissed at me and told me I was "not special" and "ugly"--thanks for those fond memories Pops)

Anti-exercise

I wish I could figure out why I have totally stopped exercising. I miss my toned muscles, but just don't have it in me to go work out. :(

Maybe I will bring this up with my counselor at our meeting tomorrow. I felt better after talking to him last week. Get this, he is 75 years old! So far I like him a lot. Very easy to talk to and pays attention. But he has been doing this for 50-some years so he should be good at it. I wonder if/when he is gonna start asking tough questions and saying things I don't want to hear.

I know I have gotten so, so lazy. I need to get the fuck up and out and get on with my life. As in find a job, work on my house, lose weight, exercise, figure out what the heck is going on with my retirement accounts, make contact with friends, you know--basic life shit... But sometimes I just like staying home and doing nothing but sitting on the computer all day. Shoot me. I used to be so driven, always getting high grades in school, tons of extracurriculars, working 2 and 3 and 4 jobs, exercising 2 hours a day. And now look at me. The pendulum has certainly swung the other way.

Maybe I'm burnt out. But I secretly fear I'm just lazy and right now events have conspired to let me get away with it...

Life lessons from a garage sale

Background: I have spent the better part of the last week prepping for and working a friend's garage sale. She is cleaning out her 88-year-old father's house in preparation for remodeling so in a year (give or take) they can put the house on the market and move him to some type of assisted living situation.

Life lesson learned: People have too much crap. Clothes, furniture, trinkets, knick-knacks, craft supplies, towels, dishes, free gifts that are just junk, this, that, everything.... It's all just crap. And eventually you will have to deal with getting rid of it and you will realize the painful fact that this "stuff" you have worked for and bought and saved and kept and dusted and insured and stored and moved from house to house and hung on to for days or years or even a lifetime is really not worth anything to anyone.

The moral of the story: "Don't buy it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with it and it will suck."

How this relates to ED: I'm hoping my days of binging and purging are coming to an end. I want to take the lesson of "stuff" and apply it to food. As in "Don't eat it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with the fat this food will put on your body, and it will suck." This is my new mantra.

Less eating, more doing

That's the plan for this week. I'm shutting off my brain, shutting my mouth, and just gonna do what it takes to keep myself busy and sane. No calorie counting, no getting on the scale. Lots of exercising, lots of moving, doing, being.

I'm sick of sitting around and being miserable. I think I use food in part to "gear myself down" from my natural kinda flighty state. When I don't eat a lot, I have a high energy level but need to "do" stuff. When I sit, I get antsy and the best way to cure that is to eat something. If I eat enough, I can get into a sort of "food coma" and just while away the hours doing not much of anything.

Well, no more!! No more sitting, eating, and gaining! Get out the way folks! I'm gonna unleash my natural energy and really get some shit DONE!

Tomorrow is...

Tomorrow is the 8-year anniversary of my father's death. I am missing him a lot lately. Fucking cancer...

We were very close. Some times so close that we drove each other nuts. Sometimes he was an asshole. Sometimes I was a manipulative little bitch. But I loved him so much and he taught me so much and he is really the reason I am the person I am today.

I have this flash of memory from my wedding day that I have never shared with anyone. The rest of the wedding party had walked into they sanctuary and it was my turn. The music changed and the wedding coordinator looked at me and said "Are you ready?" As I looked at the door I was about to walk through, this thought cracked across my brain


"I wish my Dad was here"


And that's all I really have to say today.

Stop the self-hate?

The thought flitted across my mind today that "it doesn't matter what I do diet-wise as long as I don't hate myself any more." I contemplated embarking on a serious endeavor to change my ways and stop the internal beat-downs I give myself on an hourly basis. But then I realized that self-hate is one of the most valuable tools I have in my motivational arsenal. Don't think I can give that up any time soon...

F--- you Kansas Unemployment!

Fuck you Kansas Unemployment Insurance system. Fuck you for sending me a bogus letter denying my claim when I have been getting benefits for oh, like, a YEAR now. Fuck you and your stupid system that auto-prints these dumb letters and sends them to folks like me who then freak out and immediately want to eat every fucking thing in sight because that's what WE DO when faced with shitty news!

But I showed you. I DIDN'T binge. I didn't let you steal the joy that I was carrying close to my heart because I found out just this afternoon that my student got an A and a B in the classes I was tutoring him in. That all my hard work of keeping his ADHD ass on task and gritting my teeth at his stupid rants about this, that, and everything else came to fruition after all these months and that I finally accomplished something good and worthwhile and useful!

I didn't choose to go down the rabbit hole of bingeing and purging crap food I can't afford because I'm trying to fill a fucking hole of bottomless insecurity in my psyche that you helped re-open. I said F--- you and called a former co-worker who is in the same stage of your stupid unemployment system and found out the letter is bogus and I AM still getting my $$ so once again, for the record, I say F-U-C-K Y-O-U!!

Back and fatter than ever!

Yep, I am fatter. Busting out of my clothes and even had to resort to buying some bigger pants. FML. The scale is remaining the same but my fitness and muscle tone have left the building and I'm a jiggly mess. I'm going on my 5th month of seriously not working out and it's showing. I bought one of those knock-off Spanx tops to compress my jelly-belly enough that I would actually be willing to leave the house. It works ok, (like, the rolls are squished together to form a firm barrel-shaped torso) but I miss my slim, flat stomach.

I would like to say that these revelations have motivated me to get off my lardy ass and exercise and put down the oatmeal cream pies, but actually only one of those has happened so far, and it wasn't the exercise one. I bought a ton of salad veg today and am getting back on the low carb wagon, but I gotta admit that I'm not sure my heart is in it.

Now that the wedding is past, what IS my motivation to stay slim? Well, I guess to not hate myself for being fat and lazy is a good reason. And to actually wear the clothes in my closet. And to not feel self-conscious in matters related to my figure. And to reach the goal I set for myself.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just haven't been "feelin' it" in regards to weight loss for some time now. But I think I'm almost ready to try again.

Stay tuned....

Thanks Mom

During a crisis-mode texting session with my Momma this morning, she reminded me that I always seem to lose my shit in the Spring. Which seems to be some weird reverse-seasonal affective disorder but is absolutely true. All my boyfriend-dumping, class-dropping, and big emotional breakdown-ing has been done in Spring. And since I was born in January, I can do the math and figure out that the horribly legendary colic I had as a baby would have been in full force right about now. (Seriously folks, I heard the horror storied from my parent and I am an only child so I'm convinced it was pretty darn bad to be my Momma in the spring of '75.)

And my sweet Momma, being the class act she is, managed to get that point across with out actually saying "Chill out punkin, you always lose your shit in Spring." So, thanks for everything Mom. This ones for you!

Soy un penedor, I'm a loser baby...

My simmering anger has turned to sadness. Sadness because I realized today that I could be doing a lot of things better. I could be actively looking for a job. I could be doing more around the house. I could be a better wife. I could lose weight. I could do a lot of things, but I just can't get myself motivated to any of this stuff at this point.

Man, I feel like such a loser.

I would like to make all sorts of promises about how tomorrow I will put in 20 job apps and work out for hours and drink a gallon of water and eat only salad...but I know myself and to make promises like that would just be a lie. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm really struggling right now to just get through each day. Getting a job and being a good wife and losing weight seem unattainable right now. And not for any other reason than I just can't get myself together enough to do it.

I am the flaw in this equation. I just hope I can find a way to fix it.

The "Fuck it" rant

Today, and for some time now, I have just felt like saying "Fuck it. I'm gonna give up the struggle and just be fat." It's not like I have any real reason to be skinny except for vanity. Heck, I met (and was screwing) my husband when I weighed over 200lbs. The wedding is over, I can't afford to buy new clothes, I'm not gonna be on any reality TV shows, and there is really no motivation for me not to throw in the towel.

I'm just sick of feeling like a shitty failure. I'm so MAD at myself for gaining back the 15lbs I lost before the wedding. But, at the same time I would rather do just about anything besides exercise and I just wanna eat what I want and not give a fuck!!!!!!!!!!



.......(ok, I know I won't really give up. But I'm just so frustrated with the struggle and, well, me. I just want to be who I want to be, but it is so friggin HARD to get there. And I'm sucking at it right now)............

Recovery is for skinny girls

Several months ago, I started looking around the 'net and reading ED recovery blogs. As someone who has danced the dance on and off for over 20 years, I thought I could perhaps find insight into my own situation. And there are many lovely people out there doing great things and getting their shit together and I am happy to have been given insight into their lives. But...

...Today it all just makes me sad. Why? you say. Well, for this reason that uncovers what a petty and jealous person I am. I don't even want to say it out loud, but I shall, because what's the point if I'm not keepin it real?I am discouraged with the recovery blogs I am reading because, well, Those girls are still skinny! They get to recover and still be thin. Does anyone ever actually get a high BMI in recovery? Do they just not talk about it? Do you have to quit your recovery blog if you actually end up chunky?

I just feel so BAD about myself today. I am not thin, not recovered, and obviously not even good at having ED.

Insightful husband

Yesterday I say to my hubby "February 1st I'm quitting the carbs again." As I grab a handful of crackers.

His reply "OK. But until then....it's on. Right?"

Oh husband. It's kinda sweet how well you know me.