White horse wanted

As I am coming out of my fog of depression (thanks, meds) I look around me and see that others near and dear to me are suffering and I feel bad for neglecting them. In my rational mind I KNOW that I need to take care of myself first, but there is a big part of me that wants to please everyone and fix everything and make it all better because the whole time I was growing up I was told I was wonderful and special* and could do anything at all I set my mind to. And it just happens that I seem to have set my mind on fixing everything. Even though I can't.

Case in point... My mom. She is in major debt, struggling to pay her bills. She has an "issue" with spending money she doesn't have, living beyond her means, and using possessions to "keep up appearances." She lives on a farm. She works in my small hometown with a full time job in local government (prestigious, but not too lucrative) and teaches part time at the local community college. If she had reigned in her spending after my dad died in 2002 she would prolly be fine today. But then, of course, she would not be who she is.... Her financial ship is sinking and I feel compelled to try and bail her out, even though I am unemployed, with only $3000 to my name and a husband who is losing patience with me in regards to my lack of employment.

Part of me knows that any help I give her would just be like pouring a glass of water on a bonfire, but as her daughter (and only child) the pull to do what I can is just so strong. I know she needs to learn this lesson and must suffer the consequences of her actions, even if it means filing bankruptcy or selling the farm. But still, it's just so hard to watch...

And then there is my husband. He is home sick right now, and I know it's from stress. He has been really pushing me to take any kind of job I can find. Like, working in a daycare or at a pizza chain. And I'm resisting and he's losing his patience. I see his point that a job is a job but I mean, fuck!?!?! How is that gonna get me back on track with my career? I didn't work 2 and 3 and 4 jobs to put myself through college to wipe noses or make pizza. (Not that I'm dissing those who do, but it's not for me.) Until my unemployment has officially run out I'm not taking a job that's less than $10 an hour. And anyway, how am I supposed to have the time to find a good job if I'm spending all my time working a shitty one?

Damn, it would be nice if I could put the depressed blinders back on and ignore this shit a little longer.


*(except when my dad got pissed at me and told me I was "not special" and "ugly"--thanks for those fond memories Pops)

Circling the drain

I am depressed. I have had varying degrees of depression all my life, so I KNOW what's happening. I have been slipping for a long time now. I wake up with a stomach ache and I just want to cry, go back to sleep, to stay in bed all day, to never leave the house. What's the point? I have no job, no one wants to hire me, I'm not qualified for anything. I hate my body, I hate myself for gaining back the weight I lost last year. I don't enjoy having sex with my husband, I don't enjoy working out, I don't enjoy anything any more. I can't get my shit together enough to take a bath, let alone apply for jobs or remodel my house or do any of the stuff everyone seems to expect me to do.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My husband has his own issues, and somehow whenever I try to talk about my sadness, he turns it around so it's about him. My friends are all busy with their jobs and families and I don't want to bring them down. They can't fix me, and it isn't their job to anyway. I am the broken link in this equation.

I know I need help. I know I need medication. I know what I should do, but it's just too overwhelming at this point to pick up the phone and start the process. I have not seen a counselor or psychiatrist in over 14 years. I have not been to the doctor in over 6 years (except for Med-assist. I fucking hate the medical establishment and have done my best not to interface with them at all.)

I am in a really bad place right now. I have been bawling on and off all morning. I am too overwhelmed to take any positive action right now and I feel so alone. Any supportive you have to offer would be most welcome.

The depression is hitting hard today

I'm trying to work up the courage to call my uber-successful aunt who has said before she may have a line on a job for me. I know I should. I don't have any other job prospects and my self-confidence is at an all-time low. I just don't feel like I have the skills to do anything at this point. I don't have the qualifications for anything. My degree I spent 5 years getting and 10 years paying for doesn't carry much weight at this point. I am a loser. (Except for weight...I can't lose any of that, har-har.)

Sigh....

F--- you Kansas Unemployment!

Fuck you Kansas Unemployment Insurance system. Fuck you for sending me a bogus letter denying my claim when I have been getting benefits for oh, like, a YEAR now. Fuck you and your stupid system that auto-prints these dumb letters and sends them to folks like me who then freak out and immediately want to eat every fucking thing in sight because that's what WE DO when faced with shitty news!

But I showed you. I DIDN'T binge. I didn't let you steal the joy that I was carrying close to my heart because I found out just this afternoon that my student got an A and a B in the classes I was tutoring him in. That all my hard work of keeping his ADHD ass on task and gritting my teeth at his stupid rants about this, that, and everything else came to fruition after all these months and that I finally accomplished something good and worthwhile and useful!

I didn't choose to go down the rabbit hole of bingeing and purging crap food I can't afford because I'm trying to fill a fucking hole of bottomless insecurity in my psyche that you helped re-open. I said F--- you and called a former co-worker who is in the same stage of your stupid unemployment system and found out the letter is bogus and I AM still getting my $$ so once again, for the record, I say F-U-C-K Y-O-U!!

Post-blow up

Why do "they" always say that when you are angry it is good to "get it out there" and "express yourself" and "say what you need to say"??

When I display anger or other emotions I just leave feeling shattered, exposed, and weak.

And nothing ever changes anyway.........