Creeping back, or, The good/the bad/the ugly

So....I've been gone for what, a month or so? Quite a bit of nothing special and a little moderately interesting stuff happened so here is the breakdown.

The good: I GOT A FREAKING JOB!!! Finally! And I negotiated a salary $2 an hour higher than what they wanted to start me at. Yay for me! Momma's gonna get paid!

The bad: My I-think-he-is-an-alcoholic-but-he-doesn't-agree-with-me husband has started slipping back into the bottle. FML. He was totally sober for a year after he got arrested, then only drank a beer now and then for a year after that, then moved up to two, and in the last few months has steadily upped his intake. I think he had nine last night. Once again, FML.

The ugly: I am so fucking fat I can't even deal with it. Seriously, none of my clothes fit and now I have to look presentable 5 days a week. I think about working out and eating healthy but I just can't DO it for some reason. If I gain 5 more pounds I am stopping the anti-depressants. Sorry, I'd rather be normal weight and depressed with clothes I can wear than obese and chemically happy and shopping in the plus department. Hopefully after the 90-day probation period at work I can start smoking weed again if I have to quit the anti-ds. I actually lost weight when I dabbled with the smoke for a few months last year.

So, that's the highlights. I will try to get myself on a schedule with writing and posting which hopefully with morph into me caring about my weight again and finding the motivation to actually do something about it.

Love to you all....

Really husband?

The other day when I was bemoaning my 15 pound gain to my husband (yeah, first mistake--never bring up weight with SOs) he said to me "Well, you can just be like Kirstie Alley and lose it all again!" Really husband? You think I look like Kirstie big-as-a-blimp Alley? Fuck. My. Life.

Next week I'm starting a liquids-only fast. Who cares if I fuckin' pass out while driving or go bat-shit-crazy? I'll show him, and everyone else. I'm gonna get so skinny that no one will NOT notice. Watch me.

And when they give me the heartfelt lectures centering around "We just want you to be healthy (ie FAT and docile and conforming) so please stuff you face with something and stop acting like a rabid demon she-devil" I will look at them all serious a quite like I am really sorry I have put them all through this WORRY about ME and my ISSUES instead of letting the world continue to revolve around THEM... but inside you know I'll be flippin' them the bird.

Anti-exercise

I wish I could figure out why I have totally stopped exercising. I miss my toned muscles, but just don't have it in me to go work out. :(

Maybe I will bring this up with my counselor at our meeting tomorrow. I felt better after talking to him last week. Get this, he is 75 years old! So far I like him a lot. Very easy to talk to and pays attention. But he has been doing this for 50-some years so he should be good at it. I wonder if/when he is gonna start asking tough questions and saying things I don't want to hear.

I know I have gotten so, so lazy. I need to get the fuck up and out and get on with my life. As in find a job, work on my house, lose weight, exercise, figure out what the heck is going on with my retirement accounts, make contact with friends, you know--basic life shit... But sometimes I just like staying home and doing nothing but sitting on the computer all day. Shoot me. I used to be so driven, always getting high grades in school, tons of extracurriculars, working 2 and 3 and 4 jobs, exercising 2 hours a day. And now look at me. The pendulum has certainly swung the other way.

Maybe I'm burnt out. But I secretly fear I'm just lazy and right now events have conspired to let me get away with it...

Just because...

Just because I was phoning it in at tutoring today and my student missed six points on the quiz.......I am not a bad person.

Just because my house is littered with 32 and 44oz Styrofoam cups because fountain Diet Dr. Pepper is my new crack.........I am not a bad person.

Just because my dog needs a bath and a toenail trim and is scratching like she has fleas.......I am not a bad person.

Just because I gave my horrible bronchial illness and cough-from-hell to my mother.......I am not a bad person.

Just because I have a UTI and have to pee about 6-million times a day.......I am not a bad person.

Just because my check did not come in the mail today and I have $2 and change in my purse for the weekend.........I am not a bad person.

Just because I don't wanna go camping when it is damp and windy and 38 degrees.......I am not a bad person. (This one's for you, husband.)

Just because I spent my free time this past week shopping and playing Farmville instead of applying for jobs.......I am not a bad person.

Just because I spent over $50 on clothes this week........I am not a bad person.

Just because I skipped workout today...........I am not a bad person.

Just because I ate rice and sausage today.....I am not a bad person.

Just because I ate a bagel......I am not a bad person.

Just because I binged and purged today..........I AM NOT A BAD PERSON.

Fat Tuesday at the mall

Ok, I really do not feel it is my place to talk badly about fat people, as I used to be one (and technically still am according to my BMI) and I come from a family of predominantly fat people who I love fiercely and deeply with all my heart. But after what I saw today I just gotta let it out...

I had an errand to run that involved going to the mall. I was there around 12:30. I do not think I have never in my life been to the mall at 12:30 on a Tuesday and honestly, after today, don't think I will ever go at that time again.

The mall was freaking filled with fat people. Obese people. Rotund people. However you wanna say it, they were out in force. I can honestly say that less than 20% of the people I saw out today were normal weight individuals. There were old people, middle aged, young, black, white, hispanic, and they were all fat! Many of them appeared to be limping or having difficulty walking, shuffling along in groups that spanned the entire walkway. Honestly folks, it was like the entire mall was fat! There were fat ladies pushing their fat toddlers in strollers to the food court, feeding them soda and french fries. (I know this for a fact as they sat right next to me as I attempted to enjoy my Fat Tuesday treat of a hot pretzel with cheese. It kinda takes the fun out of a mini-binge when a 90 pound first grader is throwing a fit 6 feet away from you cuz he finished his 22oz coke and his mom doesn't want to buy him another. Guess what, she caved after abount 1 minute of his whining.)

I left in a state of shock and awe at the dismal state of health and fitness (and parenting) in my Midwestern city and am still disgusted by what I saw today. On the up side, the ordeal has been a great appetite suppressant.

Shopping binge

So, now that I am in full-on diet mode, what's a girl to do to amuse herself and let off steam? I know....Let's go shopping!!!!

Great idea, except for that pesky lack-of-a-job issue. But I just couldn't help myself. (OK, I really could have, but the scales of deprivation can only take so much.) On Wednesday the dam broke and my skinny little wallet flew open and my poor overworked credit card came flying out.

I tried to stave off the shopping binge by spending a $20 gift card that we got as a wedding present. Got stuff for the house. Good girl. (OK a storage basket and wire shelf for the bathroom cabinet were maybe not the best use of our meager financial resources at this point, but it was what I wanted and damn-it-I-can't-eat-candy-anymore-so-get-behind-me-on-this-or-go-home.)

Then, when I coulda just called it good, my car somehow took me to the "cheap clothing store." This is a store that buys department store leftovers/returns and sells them for cheap. Quite a lot of the stuff is crap. Prolly 75% of it has rips, stains, broken zippers, missing buttons, exploded ink-tags, etc. But I have found enough good stuff that, like an asshole boyfriend who is way hot, I keep going back. And, like an asshole boyfriend, some times I go home disappointed and some times I walk out quivering with excitement and looking quite disheveled.

Oh, and did I mention I had resolved not to buy any more clothes until I have lost 30 pounds and reached my goal weight? No? Yeah, well...

I was pretty controlled with the binge, just skimming the racks instead of going thru everything. I ended up with 3 things and spent $38, so obviously it could have been much, much worse. But I still feel bad. I could have just not gone. That has been my way of dealing with my inner shopper since losing my job. I just don't go. But I feel off the wagon and I know the only reason I let myself do it is the diet. No more soothing with food so gotta find a new pass time. I don't wanna be fat, but I don't wanna spend money I don't have on shit I don't need either!!!!

So, here's what I got, 'cuz I know you all wanna know:

1. I got a new bra--the only thing I "justifiably" needed as the ta-tas have shrunk (boo!! hiss!!!) and I only had one bra that fit and was comfortable and kept them in the right position. I don't want to buy expensive bras til I hit goal (OK, I actually want a boob job after I hit goal, but that is seriously not even close to being a possibility at this point) but I do need more than 1 bra. I hang dry it, so there are times when I need to go out and literally have nothing to give me decent boobage. That was $8.

2. I got a Kathy-bag for $20 because it was missing the fancy dangly zipper-pull thing. I figured being the creative gal I am that I could create my own cool pull-thing. I have beads, wire, charms and chain. Of course, now I'm thinking of just buying a Kathy key chain if I can find one at the mall (using a gift-card from the wedding---Oh, the shame!) or buying one off ebay. Although I have never bought anything off ebay...I'm sort of a Luddite with some technologies and the PayPal thing weirds me out. The new purse is black, and I already have 2 other black purses. I guess that's what I feel the worst about. Time to sell the others, but that is such a pain. I paid $50 for the one and I know I will get about $5 for it, if I'm lucky. Grrrrr.

3. I bought a piece of "inspirational clothing." It's a clingy black sweater with cool fringy stuff in a size SMALL. (I'm currently a pretty consistent Medium.) I know they say to "buy things the size you are" but whatev... I have always done this and have pretty much always lost enough to get into said "inspirational" piece eventually so obviously it works for me. (OK, in all honesty there there were a few items that never made it into the rotation as they were out-of-style by the time the fit.) Actually, I could prolly wear this sweater if I was having a "skinny day" but do seriously plan to save it for next year. I can get it on and it fights everywhere except that the upper arms are a bit tighter than I like. (Plus I need to find the right belt. Man, that is one tenacious lil' shopper I have inside me.) The sweater was $9.

So, there you have it. I still feel sorta bad about the shopping-binge, but not bad enough to return anything. I am seriously going to track my spending for the month to make sure I don't spend more than my unempolyment check. God, this sucks. I actually want to get a job now...