Thrift store no-no

If you get your period and stain your cute pajama bottoms, please do not donate them to the thrift store. Some unsuspecting person will come along and excitedly pull them off the rack, only to be subjected to your menstrual remnants. Even though you obviously washed them, if the stain is still visible in any way, just throw them out. Please and thank you.

Crankypants, size Medium-point-five please

So, the shopping that was intended to relieve my cranky mood turned into a combination of running errands and finding multiple opportunities to be annoyed whilst nearly being involved in several traffic accidents.

First annoyance: The consignment store only took half of the clothes I took in. And I'm perplexed as some of the pieces they rejected were really nice office clothes of the type that are usually snapped up right away. These are too big items that I am happy to part with. I've already tried to sell these things at 2 garage sales, lowering the prices to practically nothing, but no takers. Fuggers! I have one more garage sale to try at the end of the month and then I will decide if I want to try Craigslisting them, altering them smaller (prolly not gonna do that...I want new shit, not fashion re-runs) or just giving them to charity.

Next annoyance: I am stuck in the clothing badlands where nothing fits. I have sold (most)everything I own that is too big (except for those annoying remnants mentioned above) and have a closet 3/4 full of stuff that is too small that I figure will fit ok when I lose another 10 lbs. Unfortunately, it seems that Jesus may show up before I can get into my summer clothes. So, whilst we wait for the second coming, I have very little to wear and just wanna buy a new t-shirt or two and can't for the life of me fucking find one that fits! I am too big for most Mediums, too small for Larges. If someone made Medium.5 they would be getting my money right now.

Last annoyance: Scale. Is. Not. Moving. And. I. Just. Wanna. Give. Up. I am fucking sore from working out and fighting the urge to snack so much my teeth hurt. Serious white-knuckling today folks. My stomach is sloshy-full of salad, water, and diet soda, but it's taking all my strength not to dive into a binge head-first.

At least I got my library books returned and the box dropped off at UPS. I'll hang on to that while I chew gum and surf my fav shopping sites in search of the perfect pair of crankypants.

Progress

Yesterday I consumed only 1000 calories and worked out, drank my entire bottle of water and had veggies at 2 of my 3 meals. Today I am on track to have 1200 cals and have already worked out and taken the dog on a long walk. I have a raging headache as I ended up going 8 hours without eating after locking my keys in the car and having to deal with that. I got dehydrated and that played a part in it too.

Tomorrow I doubt I will get a workout except walking the dog. I plan to fast all day as I am going to a cookout tomorrow night and would like to eat a meal with my friends, including dessert. My calorie goal for the day is 1400.

Thursday I have a job interview (wish me luck) and plan to eat only 600 cal. I know I can do it as I will be busy and prolly stressed for most of the day. Friday my goal is 800. I'm trying my own 2-4-6-8 plan with way more cals as I am trying to move from being a dedicated binger to a dedicated starver. My daily cals are 1200, 1400, 600, 800, then decide where to go from there.

Today I bought a pair of "fat pants" at Target to wear at the interview. I am sad, disgusted, and pissed off to have to do it, but my self confidence would not be spot on if I had to wear the sausage-casings in my closet that are passing for pants while trying to get those people to give me a job. Seriously, I was wearing sweats all weekend as that is all I own that fits. I figure it's $15 well spent if I get the job, and if not, I will eventually have another pair of baggy pants to lounge in once I starve this fat off my ass.

Questions and ramblings

First off, should I add one of those content warning things since I swear so much? I guess I should, but I consider myself kinda tame to need a content warning. Perhaps if I add one I will become a sexy rock star or something interesting. Fake it 'til ya make it and all that.

Second, I am still sick (this shit-crap started LAST Friday) so I seriously think it is time to throw in the towel and seek medical help. Of course, the situation is complicated by the fact I don't have a doctor to go to. I didn't have insurance for 14 month due to the job loss and for years before that had insurance that changed every fucking year so I just quit trying to keep up with who and what is covered and all that. Yes, I have a pretty low opinion of the current state of medical affairs in the country, but that is shit I'm not getting into here and now. All I want is a quick trip to the urgent care and some drugs. I really just want to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. Oh, and not to be coughing like a TB patient. I'm hoping I can obtain those things tomorrow and not get sent into a rage over co-payments and other such bullshit.

Third, I could yammer on about the insane amount of $$ I have put on my credit cards ordering designer jeans that I know will be too small and have no intention of keeping, but frankly the lack of sleep is wearing me down and all I wanna do is go play Peggle. Yes folks, I am that lame. Ciao.

Feelin' the luv

First off, a big shout out to K at Skinny (sorry, I don't know how to add links and I'm too lazy right now to figure it out) for the endorsement. I love her blog, too. Smoochy, smooch, sending internet luv your way K!

Ok, on with the show. I finally went grocery shopping today and bought food. I had been holding out for a few weeks to get the fridge and pantry cleaned out. We now have no rice, pasta, or potatoes in the house and I plan to keep it that way as long as possible. I got salad stuff and other low-carb staples, plus a bunch of crap food (chocolate bars, chips, etc.) for my hubby. Oh, and I did buy a mini-cake 'cuz today is our 2-month anniversary, and it was on sale. A girl needs a last hurrah, right?

So, starting tomorrow, I'm really gonna get my act together. It has been 2 months since the wedding and I have gained about 12lbs and am barely squeezing into my jeans. Starting tommorow its low-carb for as long as I can do it, then carb rotation (2 low-carb days and 1 high day) until I "find half" and reach my goal. I'm also gonna get back to the 2x daily workouts and water drinking. I need some new workout shoes really badly, so I can't do the 2-a-days until I get that issue taken care of. (You only have 2 knees, and life's a bitch if you blow them out.)

Since I'm feeling nostalgic, I'm gonna post some pics of me from the wedding. Please be kind. I was 138 in these pics and my goal weight at the time was 135. Now, after evaluating how I looked, I have decided on a new goal weight of 119.





I gotta go walk the dog and wash dishes as hubby invited people over later. I would like to just sit on the couch and blog all night, but I gotta be social.

Fat Tuesday at the mall

Ok, I really do not feel it is my place to talk badly about fat people, as I used to be one (and technically still am according to my BMI) and I come from a family of predominantly fat people who I love fiercely and deeply with all my heart. But after what I saw today I just gotta let it out...

I had an errand to run that involved going to the mall. I was there around 12:30. I do not think I have never in my life been to the mall at 12:30 on a Tuesday and honestly, after today, don't think I will ever go at that time again.

The mall was freaking filled with fat people. Obese people. Rotund people. However you wanna say it, they were out in force. I can honestly say that less than 20% of the people I saw out today were normal weight individuals. There were old people, middle aged, young, black, white, hispanic, and they were all fat! Many of them appeared to be limping or having difficulty walking, shuffling along in groups that spanned the entire walkway. Honestly folks, it was like the entire mall was fat! There were fat ladies pushing their fat toddlers in strollers to the food court, feeding them soda and french fries. (I know this for a fact as they sat right next to me as I attempted to enjoy my Fat Tuesday treat of a hot pretzel with cheese. It kinda takes the fun out of a mini-binge when a 90 pound first grader is throwing a fit 6 feet away from you cuz he finished his 22oz coke and his mom doesn't want to buy him another. Guess what, she caved after abount 1 minute of his whining.)

I left in a state of shock and awe at the dismal state of health and fitness (and parenting) in my Midwestern city and am still disgusted by what I saw today. On the up side, the ordeal has been a great appetite suppressant.

Shee-it

Yesterday was a fail and today I am slogging thru the muck of poor choices. I couldn't make it out of the checkout isle without grabbing a trigger food and that was the pebble that started the avalanche of spending, eating, purging. Fail, fail, fail... I had been doing so well Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday that I got smug. I even remember thinking "gee, this isn't even close to being as hard as the other times." And that's when it all fell apart...

Here are the things that I think contributed to the fail. These are NOT excuses. There are no excuses as everything can be worked around. Plus, shooting yourself in the foot doesn't count as an excuse, that's just your own damn stupidity.

1. I am freaking out about $$, the fact I have no job and no prospects and my unemployment is running out. Tracking my spending is just making me more nervous and has contributed to the desire to spend $$ and the shopping binges. I still feel bad about the $38 I spent on Wednesday.

2. I am fighting a stomach bug. Low carb foods and nausea just don't jive. I gave up and ate macaroni and sf pudding yesterday. If I had been a good anorexic, I would have just embraced the opportunity to eat nothing. Damn you survival instinct!!

3. I weighed myself. Fuck. My rational brain knows I can't lose 15 or 10 or even 5 pounds a week, by my crazy brain still some how expects a few days of healthy eating and a few workouts will fix everything. Fuck... I know that I lose weight slowly, that's just how it is. I can expect to lose 2-5 lbs a month if I am firing on all cylinders. Binging is not firing on all cylinders.

Today I pick up and move on. I'm not sure what to do about exercise as I am still feeling sickish. I want to go shopping again as my husband is out of town and it seems like the only good way to get out of the house and amuse myself and stay away from the food. Of course, that could very well give me more stress if I find something I can't live without...

Shopping binge

So, now that I am in full-on diet mode, what's a girl to do to amuse herself and let off steam? I know....Let's go shopping!!!!

Great idea, except for that pesky lack-of-a-job issue. But I just couldn't help myself. (OK, I really could have, but the scales of deprivation can only take so much.) On Wednesday the dam broke and my skinny little wallet flew open and my poor overworked credit card came flying out.

I tried to stave off the shopping binge by spending a $20 gift card that we got as a wedding present. Got stuff for the house. Good girl. (OK a storage basket and wire shelf for the bathroom cabinet were maybe not the best use of our meager financial resources at this point, but it was what I wanted and damn-it-I-can't-eat-candy-anymore-so-get-behind-me-on-this-or-go-home.)

Then, when I coulda just called it good, my car somehow took me to the "cheap clothing store." This is a store that buys department store leftovers/returns and sells them for cheap. Quite a lot of the stuff is crap. Prolly 75% of it has rips, stains, broken zippers, missing buttons, exploded ink-tags, etc. But I have found enough good stuff that, like an asshole boyfriend who is way hot, I keep going back. And, like an asshole boyfriend, some times I go home disappointed and some times I walk out quivering with excitement and looking quite disheveled.

Oh, and did I mention I had resolved not to buy any more clothes until I have lost 30 pounds and reached my goal weight? No? Yeah, well...

I was pretty controlled with the binge, just skimming the racks instead of going thru everything. I ended up with 3 things and spent $38, so obviously it could have been much, much worse. But I still feel bad. I could have just not gone. That has been my way of dealing with my inner shopper since losing my job. I just don't go. But I feel off the wagon and I know the only reason I let myself do it is the diet. No more soothing with food so gotta find a new pass time. I don't wanna be fat, but I don't wanna spend money I don't have on shit I don't need either!!!!

So, here's what I got, 'cuz I know you all wanna know:

1. I got a new bra--the only thing I "justifiably" needed as the ta-tas have shrunk (boo!! hiss!!!) and I only had one bra that fit and was comfortable and kept them in the right position. I don't want to buy expensive bras til I hit goal (OK, I actually want a boob job after I hit goal, but that is seriously not even close to being a possibility at this point) but I do need more than 1 bra. I hang dry it, so there are times when I need to go out and literally have nothing to give me decent boobage. That was $8.

2. I got a Kathy-bag for $20 because it was missing the fancy dangly zipper-pull thing. I figured being the creative gal I am that I could create my own cool pull-thing. I have beads, wire, charms and chain. Of course, now I'm thinking of just buying a Kathy key chain if I can find one at the mall (using a gift-card from the wedding---Oh, the shame!) or buying one off ebay. Although I have never bought anything off ebay...I'm sort of a Luddite with some technologies and the PayPal thing weirds me out. The new purse is black, and I already have 2 other black purses. I guess that's what I feel the worst about. Time to sell the others, but that is such a pain. I paid $50 for the one and I know I will get about $5 for it, if I'm lucky. Grrrrr.

3. I bought a piece of "inspirational clothing." It's a clingy black sweater with cool fringy stuff in a size SMALL. (I'm currently a pretty consistent Medium.) I know they say to "buy things the size you are" but whatev... I have always done this and have pretty much always lost enough to get into said "inspirational" piece eventually so obviously it works for me. (OK, in all honesty there there were a few items that never made it into the rotation as they were out-of-style by the time the fit.) Actually, I could prolly wear this sweater if I was having a "skinny day" but do seriously plan to save it for next year. I can get it on and it fights everywhere except that the upper arms are a bit tighter than I like. (Plus I need to find the right belt. Man, that is one tenacious lil' shopper I have inside me.) The sweater was $9.

So, there you have it. I still feel sorta bad about the shopping-binge, but not bad enough to return anything. I am seriously going to track my spending for the month to make sure I don't spend more than my unempolyment check. God, this sucks. I actually want to get a job now...