Creeping back, or, The good/the bad/the ugly

So....I've been gone for what, a month or so? Quite a bit of nothing special and a little moderately interesting stuff happened so here is the breakdown.

The good: I GOT A FREAKING JOB!!! Finally! And I negotiated a salary $2 an hour higher than what they wanted to start me at. Yay for me! Momma's gonna get paid!

The bad: My I-think-he-is-an-alcoholic-but-he-doesn't-agree-with-me husband has started slipping back into the bottle. FML. He was totally sober for a year after he got arrested, then only drank a beer now and then for a year after that, then moved up to two, and in the last few months has steadily upped his intake. I think he had nine last night. Once again, FML.

The ugly: I am so fucking fat I can't even deal with it. Seriously, none of my clothes fit and now I have to look presentable 5 days a week. I think about working out and eating healthy but I just can't DO it for some reason. If I gain 5 more pounds I am stopping the anti-depressants. Sorry, I'd rather be normal weight and depressed with clothes I can wear than obese and chemically happy and shopping in the plus department. Hopefully after the 90-day probation period at work I can start smoking weed again if I have to quit the anti-ds. I actually lost weight when I dabbled with the smoke for a few months last year.

So, that's the highlights. I will try to get myself on a schedule with writing and posting which hopefully with morph into me caring about my weight again and finding the motivation to actually do something about it.

Love to you all....

Shhhhh....don't tell....

...but I started doing low carb today. I'm not going to make any "announcement" about it to my husband or friends, just plan to eat what I want and leave the carbs/sugar on my plate. We shall see how it works...

I have been making a serious effort in applying for jobs. I put in apps for some pretty well-paying jobs. There is one in particular that would be just awesome in relation to the pay. Like, I would be making more $$ than I have ever made in my life. Send me positive vibes, I need all the help I can get. I'm trying not to get hung up on obsessing about getting any one job in particular, because I don't want to feel the crash when I am denied. I'm just trying to be hopeful and trust I will end up where I should be. (And the meds are helping.)

The depression is hitting hard today

I'm trying to work up the courage to call my uber-successful aunt who has said before she may have a line on a job for me. I know I should. I don't have any other job prospects and my self-confidence is at an all-time low. I just don't feel like I have the skills to do anything at this point. I don't have the qualifications for anything. My degree I spent 5 years getting and 10 years paying for doesn't carry much weight at this point. I am a loser. (Except for weight...I can't lose any of that, har-har.)

Sigh....

Down 2

Scale says I'm down 2 pounds despite this weekends binge(s). (Yep there were two binges. Gotta put it out there as I believe in truthful blogging.) I'm hoping its an actual loss and not just dehydration. Time will tell.

This weeks goals are to make it to 4 Jazzercise classes (ended up only doing 3 last week) and drink 32oz of water daily. Now I know 32oz is not even close to the recommended 9-million gallons you are supposed to drink for optimum health. But whatever, 32oz will be a stretch for me. I used to be really good with the water, only having 1 or 2 sodas a day, never touching coffee, and only drinking water the rest of the time. Now I drink coffee, and soda, and maybe 2 glasses of water a day. I guess I just got burned out on water (ha ha, sorta funny if you actually think about it...or maybe just lame). And I don't like those flavored water additives like Crystal Light and such. (I just wanna drink Diet Dr. Pepper!!!) Plus, those flavored water things seem to make me retain water like if I had a salty meal and I wake up the next day all puffy. Homey don't wanna wake up puffy and homey don't wanna drink that darn flavored water!

Also, totally need to get on that whole "find a job, bitch" thing. Perhaps I will give myself $5 to spend guilt-free for every application I put in. We will see how it goes...

Just because...

Just because I was phoning it in at tutoring today and my student missed six points on the quiz.......I am not a bad person.

Just because my house is littered with 32 and 44oz Styrofoam cups because fountain Diet Dr. Pepper is my new crack.........I am not a bad person.

Just because my dog needs a bath and a toenail trim and is scratching like she has fleas.......I am not a bad person.

Just because I gave my horrible bronchial illness and cough-from-hell to my mother.......I am not a bad person.

Just because I have a UTI and have to pee about 6-million times a day.......I am not a bad person.

Just because my check did not come in the mail today and I have $2 and change in my purse for the weekend.........I am not a bad person.

Just because I don't wanna go camping when it is damp and windy and 38 degrees.......I am not a bad person. (This one's for you, husband.)

Just because I spent my free time this past week shopping and playing Farmville instead of applying for jobs.......I am not a bad person.

Just because I spent over $50 on clothes this week........I am not a bad person.

Just because I skipped workout today...........I am not a bad person.

Just because I ate rice and sausage today.....I am not a bad person.

Just because I ate a bagel......I am not a bad person.

Just because I binged and purged today..........I AM NOT A BAD PERSON.

Back to life, back to reality

I have been slowly easing back into the world of the living. I guess I am getting older, it certainly has taken longer to get rid of this bought of bronchitis than ever before. The whole begeezus has been complicated by the fact that seasonal allergy-stuff is impacting the recovery process. I am still sniffing and coughing intermittently due to the fact that every tree in the world is blooming right now, but the infection is gone.

Also, this week my unemployment runs out, so I have actually gotten off my duff and applied for a few jobs. I am currently working on an app for a job at the State Board of Investigations which has my husband worried. I will have to take a polygraph test and pass a background check. Now, there is nothing in my past that would horrify, but I my record is not totally spotless and my husbands is a bit more checkered than mine. But this job pays a freakin' lot of money and I really think I could be good at it so I'm giving it a shot.

I have cleaned up my eating a lot and am getting ready to launch a full-scale fat-attack. More on that tomorrow after the SBI app is in.

Baby step

Well, I got a teeny-tiny little part-time job today and my husband, mom, and friends are so excited you would think I won the lottery. For 2 hours, 4 afternoons a week I will be reading textbooks to a developmentally disabled man who is taking college classes. We met for the first time today, read a chapter, and he hired me. He seems very polite and intelligent and it was relaxing to be around him. His house is very clean and has nice furniture. He has aids who stay with him at all times. He is obviously very highly-functioning, but can't live alone. Sorta like me right now (haha)

The money is not great, and I'm a little worried how it will affect my unemployment, but it is nice to have a purpose to the day and a reason to get in the shower and get dressed and go out. I have become borderline agoraphobic lately. Or whatever it is when you would rather hide in the house and be miserable than go out and do just about anything. Even shopping has lost its fun... although there are big monetary factors related to that.

Obviously, I have to either keep looking for another job or start making money from some of the other side projects I have going on. There is no way I can live on this salary, but like the title says, it's a baby step.

Rejected

Well, I didn't get the job I interviewed for. I feel like such a loser. I knew I didn't have much self confidence, but this has sent what little I had into the shitter.

As punishment for being such a loser, I plan to spend NO money this coming week. I have a full tank of gas and soup and protein shakes and tampons, so I feel I can put the credit cards away and let it ride for the next week. It won't be easy, but at least I will have something to focus on besides the fact I SUCK at life. And it will help the budget.

Interview!

I have a job interview tomorrow! YAY!! I am choosing to be excited. I can beat myself up and be apprehensive another day.

Wish me luck. This is a job working in the same industry I have been in for the least 12 years. There are not a whole lot of options in this industry in my town, so I am willing to take this job (for lower pay and not doing the same thing I was doing before) in the hopes I can move up. Plus, I can take a pay cut now since my hubby pays most of the bills. (Woot woot! Yeah, I was raised to be independent and pay my own way, but it is super-nice to have him taking care of stuff.)

My head is swimming. I have not been on a job interview in many years. I am torn between spending the rest of the day searching the Internet for good responses to interview questions and going shopping... But, as I said. Today and tomorrow I am choosing to be positive!