Get this.... My therapist actually RECOMMENDED that I work out twice a day! OMG, I think I'm in love with him. Ok, actually the eating-disordered-obsessive-exercise-bulimic part of me is in love. I felt a twisted satisfaction as I left the house in my workout clothes this evening, smiling at my husband and reminding him "it's Doctor's orders!"
(And no, therapist knows nothing of my eating issues and I plan to keep it that way. At least until I get skinny...)
Showing posts with label ED. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ED. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Life lessons from a garage sale
Background: I have spent the better part of the last week prepping for and working a friend's garage sale. She is cleaning out her 88-year-old father's house in preparation for remodeling so in a year (give or take) they can put the house on the market and move him to some type of assisted living situation.
Life lesson learned: People have too much crap. Clothes, furniture, trinkets, knick-knacks, craft supplies, towels, dishes, free gifts that are just junk, this, that, everything.... It's all just crap. And eventually you will have to deal with getting rid of it and you will realize the painful fact that this "stuff" you have worked for and bought and saved and kept and dusted and insured and stored and moved from house to house and hung on to for days or years or even a lifetime is really not worth anything to anyone.
The moral of the story: "Don't buy it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with it and it will suck."
How this relates to ED: I'm hoping my days of binging and purging are coming to an end. I want to take the lesson of "stuff" and apply it to food. As in "Don't eat it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with the fat this food will put on your body, and it will suck." This is my new mantra.
Life lesson learned: People have too much crap. Clothes, furniture, trinkets, knick-knacks, craft supplies, towels, dishes, free gifts that are just junk, this, that, everything.... It's all just crap. And eventually you will have to deal with getting rid of it and you will realize the painful fact that this "stuff" you have worked for and bought and saved and kept and dusted and insured and stored and moved from house to house and hung on to for days or years or even a lifetime is really not worth anything to anyone.
The moral of the story: "Don't buy it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with it and it will suck."
How this relates to ED: I'm hoping my days of binging and purging are coming to an end. I want to take the lesson of "stuff" and apply it to food. As in "Don't eat it. Just don't. Eventually you will have to deal with the fat this food will put on your body, and it will suck." This is my new mantra.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
State of the union
Oh husband, right now I think it is just great that I can be purging in the downstairs bathroom and you are upstairs on the computer oblivious to everything. Although I am scared that I may eventually look back upon this time in our marriage and resent how truly self-absorbed you can be.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
F--- you Kansas Unemployment!
Fuck you Kansas Unemployment Insurance system. Fuck you for sending me a bogus letter denying my claim when I have been getting benefits for oh, like, a YEAR now. Fuck you and your stupid system that auto-prints these dumb letters and sends them to folks like me who then freak out and immediately want to eat every fucking thing in sight because that's what WE DO when faced with shitty news!
But I showed you. I DIDN'T binge. I didn't let you steal the joy that I was carrying close to my heart because I found out just this afternoon that my student got an A and a B in the classes I was tutoring him in. That all my hard work of keeping his ADHD ass on task and gritting my teeth at his stupid rants about this, that, and everything else came to fruition after all these months and that I finally accomplished something good and worthwhile and useful!
I didn't choose to go down the rabbit hole of bingeing and purging crap food I can't afford because I'm trying to fill a fucking hole of bottomless insecurity in my psyche that you helped re-open. I said F--- you and called a former co-worker who is in the same stage of your stupid unemployment system and found out the letter is bogus and I AM still getting my $$ so once again, for the record, I say F-U-C-K Y-O-U!!
But I showed you. I DIDN'T binge. I didn't let you steal the joy that I was carrying close to my heart because I found out just this afternoon that my student got an A and a B in the classes I was tutoring him in. That all my hard work of keeping his ADHD ass on task and gritting my teeth at his stupid rants about this, that, and everything else came to fruition after all these months and that I finally accomplished something good and worthwhile and useful!
I didn't choose to go down the rabbit hole of bingeing and purging crap food I can't afford because I'm trying to fill a fucking hole of bottomless insecurity in my psyche that you helped re-open. I said F--- you and called a former co-worker who is in the same stage of your stupid unemployment system and found out the letter is bogus and I AM still getting my $$ so once again, for the record, I say F-U-C-K Y-O-U!!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Recovery is for skinny girls
Several months ago, I started looking around the 'net and reading ED recovery blogs. As someone who has danced the dance on and off for over 20 years, I thought I could perhaps find insight into my own situation. And there are many lovely people out there doing great things and getting their shit together and I am happy to have been given insight into their lives. But...
...Today it all just makes me sad. Why? you say. Well, for this reason that uncovers what a petty and jealous person I am. I don't even want to say it out loud, but I shall, because what's the point if I'm not keepin it real?I am discouraged with the recovery blogs I am reading because, well, Those girls are still skinny! They get to recover and still be thin. Does anyone ever actually get a high BMI in recovery? Do they just not talk about it? Do you have to quit your recovery blog if you actually end up chunky?
I just feel so BAD about myself today. I am not thin, not recovered, and obviously not even good at having ED.
...Today it all just makes me sad. Why? you say. Well, for this reason that uncovers what a petty and jealous person I am. I don't even want to say it out loud, but I shall, because what's the point if I'm not keepin it real?I am discouraged with the recovery blogs I am reading because, well, Those girls are still skinny! They get to recover and still be thin. Does anyone ever actually get a high BMI in recovery? Do they just not talk about it? Do you have to quit your recovery blog if you actually end up chunky?
I just feel so BAD about myself today. I am not thin, not recovered, and obviously not even good at having ED.
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