You won't believe it!!

My Mother-in-law is on a diet!! Oh the sweet, sweet feel of karma comin' around and taking care of me again. Her doctor told her to "lose weight or else" so she was eating salad today and had NO baked goodies out at all! (Get out your sweaters, hell has frozen over!)

I left my bag of sugar snap peas with her. I am now her fav daughter-in-law.

Going visiting

Tomorrow husband and I go for a long over-due visit to his parents. Whoopee, I'm not excited, for various reasons but the main one is the crap-ass food I will have to deal with. My mother-in-law is a big baker (cookies, cakes, pies, etc.) and has never meet a carb she didn't like enough to have intimate knowledge of. Also, his folks are cheap-asses who live out in the sticks and don't buy anything but canned veggies due in part to their miserly ways and in part to logistical factors. Fresh veg are not big sellers at the tiny local grocery store (they are lucky to get iceberg lettuce and tomatoes) and it's a 45 minute drive to a town with a Walmart. Meals at his parents are almost always served with rice, stuffing, peas or corn, and bread. I seriously believe that if the woman could somehow make meat into a carb she would do it.

I'm taking a huge salad and my own dressing (since they prolly don't have any) and some almonds. I refuse to break my low-carb roll for these people. Nothing they will have to eat will be worth deviating from my diet for. Even his mom's baked goods are not all that great. She is always fiddling with the recipes, leaving stuff out and subbing stuff and adding things like black walnuts that someone gave them for free. It ends up tasting like dry bland crap to me. (If I'm having a dessert, I want moist, chewy, gooey, sweat, creamy, tasty, inch-thick frosting, mother-fucking dessert! If your gonna tempt me, you better bring it so hard that I have a foodgasm when I eat and I know the next time I struggle to get into my pants that the extra fat you put on my ass was damn well worth it!)

If the situation gets weird over the food, I have half a mind to take them to school for the excessive carbs they eat. My MIL has told me before that she is "always hungry 2 hours after she eats." Well, duh, that's your blood sugar bottoming out after the rice-stuffing-bread-peas-potatoes-corn-starch-sugar-starch-sugar meal you just ate! (Oh, and did I mention she is about 70 pounds overweight?) But, there is another part of me that knows it won't do any good in the grand scheme of things and that I should just let it go. I'm betting that is the part that will win out tomorrow, but you never know. I may just grow a spine one of these days...

My current food obsession is...

...blanched broccoli, cold from the refrigerator, with barbecue sauce. I know it sounds odd, but to me right now it is the most tasty thing in the world. (Ok, that's a lie, but it is the most tasty thing I will let myself eat. So it's the most tasty thing in MY world. I know there is sugar in BBQ sauce but fuck it as it's the only sugar/carb I have eaten for days. And no, I'm not going nuts with it. I have 2-3 tablespoons per day and that's it.)

And I did 2 Jazzercise classes today, back-to-back. I sweat like crazy in class and am on my second bottle of water for the day. I would have to say, it seems like my fledgling eating disorder is progressing nicely. Go me.

If....(sparked by a question on another blog)

If I had the time, money, and no other responsibilities I would:

1) Buy some big old cool looking car with a bench front seat. (Like a Charger or a Gran Torino.)

2) Get a cool tattoo on my upper left arm (design yet to be determined).

3) Buy some expensive, kick-ass awesome cowboy boots.

4) Put on Levis, a tank top, my belt with the big sterling buckle, the expensive cowboy boots, get on Route 66 in Oklahoma and drive the big car across the Southwest with the windows open and my bad-ass tattoo displayed 'cuz I have my left elbow on the ledge of the open car window.

In my fantasy I would drive for days in the heat and dust, sleep in the car, drink regular Coca-cola, have leather bracelets on my wrists, and not give a shit about anything. I would stop at diners for pie and coffee. I would buy cool jewelry and cheap trinkets and dye my hair black with white-blond highlights. I would pick up a guy who looks like Chris Cornell and there would be lots of fucking. In heat of the car in the desert. In the cool morning dark of cheap motels. I would point that big ol' car to the west and drive into the sunset smoking cigarettes. I would clear my head of all the "if onlys" and "whys" and "why didn't yous" and just drive and drive and drive...

Tired? Uninspired?

Not much blogging going on with me for a while now. I read other blogs, rarely comment, and then come here and start a post that never gets finished. I have been busy, but not doing things that matter. Not losing, barely working out, eating has been all over the place. I have tons of thoughts in my head and things I need to sit down and write about, but I just can't get my shit together enough to DO it.

One thing I am happy to report. After living with my husband for 13 months, I have finally purged our home of the excess furniture and duplicate household goods. The house now looks like a place where people live instead of a storage unit. It has taken a year of having garage sales and selling stuff on Craig's list, not to mention the marital discord the "unburdening" has caused. But, it's over now. (Of course there is always more crap we could get rid of. Life just seems to accumulate crap, doesn't it? But at least there are not 5 sofas in the house any more!)

So, instead of being witty or inspiring for y'all, I am gonna go downstairs and rearrange the remaining furniture and sweep the floor.

F--- you Kansas Unemployment!

Fuck you Kansas Unemployment Insurance system. Fuck you for sending me a bogus letter denying my claim when I have been getting benefits for oh, like, a YEAR now. Fuck you and your stupid system that auto-prints these dumb letters and sends them to folks like me who then freak out and immediately want to eat every fucking thing in sight because that's what WE DO when faced with shitty news!

But I showed you. I DIDN'T binge. I didn't let you steal the joy that I was carrying close to my heart because I found out just this afternoon that my student got an A and a B in the classes I was tutoring him in. That all my hard work of keeping his ADHD ass on task and gritting my teeth at his stupid rants about this, that, and everything else came to fruition after all these months and that I finally accomplished something good and worthwhile and useful!

I didn't choose to go down the rabbit hole of bingeing and purging crap food I can't afford because I'm trying to fill a fucking hole of bottomless insecurity in my psyche that you helped re-open. I said F--- you and called a former co-worker who is in the same stage of your stupid unemployment system and found out the letter is bogus and I AM still getting my $$ so once again, for the record, I say F-U-C-K Y-O-U!!

Back and fatter than ever!

Yep, I am fatter. Busting out of my clothes and even had to resort to buying some bigger pants. FML. The scale is remaining the same but my fitness and muscle tone have left the building and I'm a jiggly mess. I'm going on my 5th month of seriously not working out and it's showing. I bought one of those knock-off Spanx tops to compress my jelly-belly enough that I would actually be willing to leave the house. It works ok, (like, the rolls are squished together to form a firm barrel-shaped torso) but I miss my slim, flat stomach.

I would like to say that these revelations have motivated me to get off my lardy ass and exercise and put down the oatmeal cream pies, but actually only one of those has happened so far, and it wasn't the exercise one. I bought a ton of salad veg today and am getting back on the low carb wagon, but I gotta admit that I'm not sure my heart is in it.

Now that the wedding is past, what IS my motivation to stay slim? Well, I guess to not hate myself for being fat and lazy is a good reason. And to actually wear the clothes in my closet. And to not feel self-conscious in matters related to my figure. And to reach the goal I set for myself.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just haven't been "feelin' it" in regards to weight loss for some time now. But I think I'm almost ready to try again.

Stay tuned....